Monty Python/Argument Clinic
From "Monty Python's Previous Record"
and "Monty Python's Instant Record Collection"
Originally transcribed by Dan Kay  (dan@reed.uucp)
Fixed up and Added "Complaint" and "Being Hit On The Head lessons"  Aug/ 87
by Tak Ariga (tak@gpu.utcs.toronto.edu)

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
	M= Man looking for an argument	Michael Palin
	R= Receptionist 		Carol Cleveland
	Q= Abuser			Graham Chapman
	A= Arguer			John Cleese
	C= Complainer 			Eric Idle
	H= Head Hitter			Terry Jones

M:	Ah.  I'd like to have an argument, please.
R:	Certainly sir.  Have you been here before?
M:	No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R:	I see.  Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you
	thinking of taking a course?
M:	Well, what is the cost?
R:	Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight
	pounds for a course of ten.
M:	Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just
	the one and then see how it goes.
R:	Fine.  Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
        Pause
R:	Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
	Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M:	Thank you.

	(Walks down the hall.  Opens door.)

Q:	WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M:	Well, I was told outside that...
Q:	Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M:	What?
Q:	Shut your festering gob, you tit!  Your type really makes me puke,
	you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M:	Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q:	OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M:	Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q:	Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M:	Oh, Thank you very much.  Sorry.
Q:	Not at all.
M:	Thank You.
	(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

	(Walk down the corridor)
M:	(Knock)
A:	Come in.
M:	Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A:	I told you once.
M:	No you haven't.
A:	Yes I have.
M:	When?
A:	Just now.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	You didn't
A:	I did!
M:	You didn't!
A:	I'm telling you I did!
M:	You did not!!
A:	Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment.  Is this a five minute argument
	or the full half hour?
M:	Oh, just the five minutes.
A:	Ah, thank you.  Anyway, I did.
M:	You most certainly did not.
A:	Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M:	No you did not.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	No you didn't.
A:	Yes I did.
M:	You didn't.
A:	Did.
M:	Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A:	Yes it is.
M:	No it isn't.  It's just contradiction.
A:	No it isn't.
M:	It is!
A:	It is not.
M:	Look, you just contradicted me.
A:	I did not.
M:	Oh you did!!
A:	No, no, no.
M:	You did just then.
A:	Nonsense!
M:	Oh, this is futile!
A:	No it isn't.
M:	I came here for a good argument.
A:	No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M:	An argument isn't just contradiction.
A:	It can be.
M:	 No it can't.  An argument is a connected series of statements
	intended to establish a proposition.
A:	No it isn't.
M:	Yes it is!  It's not just contradiction.
A:	Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M:	Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A:	Yes it is!
M:	No it isn't!
M:	Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the
	automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
	(short pause)
A:	No it isn't.
M:	It is.
A:	Not at all.
M:	Now look.
A:	(Rings bell)
	Good Morning.
M:	What?
A:	That's it.  Good morning.
M:	I was just getting interested.
A:	Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M:	That was never five minutes!
A:	I'm afraid it was.
M:	It wasn't.
	Pause
A:	I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M:	What?!
A:	If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another
	five minutes.
M:	Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now.  Oh come on!
A:	(Hums)
M:	Look, this is ridiculous.
A:	I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M:	Oh, all right.
	(pays money)
A:	Thank you.
	short pause
M:	Well?
A:	Well what?
M:	That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A:	I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M:	I just paid!
A:	No you didn't.
M:	I DID!
A:	No you didn't.
M:	Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A:	Well, you didn't pay.
M:	Aha.  If I didn't pay, why are you arguing?  I Got you!
A:	No you haven't.
M:	Yes I have.  If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A:	Not necessarily.  I could be arguing in my spare time.
M:	Oh I've had enough of this.
A:	No you haven't.
M:	Oh Shut up.

	(Walks down the stairs.  Opens door.)

M:	I want to complain.
C:	You want to complain!  Look at these shoes.  I've only had them
	three weeks and the heels are worn right through.
M:	No, I want to complain about...
C:	If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother.
M:	Oh!
C:	Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired
	of this office.

	(Slams door.  walks down corridor, opens next door.)

M:	Hello, I want to...  Ooooh!
H:	No, no, no.  Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again.
M:	uuuwwhh!!
H:	Better, Better, but Waah, Waah!  Put your hand there.
M:	No.
H:	Now..
M:	Waaaaah!!!
H:	Good, Good! That's it.
M:	Stop hitting me!!
H:	What?
M:	Stop hitting me!!
H:	Stop hitting you?
M:	Yes!
H:	Why did you come in here then?
M:	I wanted to complain.
H:	Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here.
M:	What a stupid concept.