*** The Dead Bishop on the Landing sketch	***
*** From Monty Python's Flying Circus.		***
*** Transcribed from tape by Malcolm Dickinson  4/3/86 ***

Mother:	(turning off radio) Liberal rubbish!  Klaus!
Klaus:	Yeah?
M:	Whaddaya want with yer jugged fish?
K:	'Alibut.
M:	The jugged fish IS 'alibut!
K:	Well, what fish 'ave you got that isn't jugged?
M:	Rabbit.
K:	What, rabbit fish?
M:	Uuh, yes...it's got fins....
K:	Is it dead?
M:	Well, it was coughin' up blood last night.
K:	All right, I'll have the dead unjugged rabbit fish.
Voice over: one dead unjugged rabbit fish later:
K:	(putting down his knife and fork) Well, that was really 'orrible.
M:	Aaw, you're always complainin'!
K:	Wha's for afters?
M:	Rat cake, rat sorbet, rat pudding, or strawberry tart.
K:	(eyes lighting up) Strawberry tart?
M:	Well, it's got *some* rat in it.
K:	'Ow much?
M:	Three.  A lot, really.
K:	Well, I'll have a slice without so much rat in it.
Voice over: One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later:
K:	(putting down fork and knife) Appalling.
M:	Naw, naw, naw!
Son:	(coming in the door) 'Ello Mum. 'Ello Dad.
K:	'Ello son.
S:	There's a dead bishop on the landing, dad!
K:	Really?
M:	Where's it from?
S:	Waddya mean?
M:	What's its diocese?
S:	Well, it looked a bit Bath and Wells-ish to me...
K:	(getting up and going out the door) I'll go and have a look.
M:	I don't know...kids bringin' 'em in here....
S:	It's not me!
M:	I've got three of 'em down by the bin, and the dustmen won't
	touch 'em!
K:	(coming back in) Leicester.
M:	'Ow d'you know?
K:	Tattooed on the back o' the neck.  I'll call the police.
M:	Shouldn't you call the church?
S:	Call the church police!
K:	All right.  (shouting) The Church Police!

	(sirens racing up, followed by a tremendous crash)
	(the church police burst in the door)

Detective: What's all this then, Amen!
M:	Are you the church police?
All the police officers: (in unison) Ho, Yes!
M:	There's another dead bishop on the landing, vicar sargeant!
Detective: Uh, Detective Parson, madam.  I see... suffrican, or diocisian?
M:	'Ow should I know?
D:	It's tatooed on the back o' their neck.  (spying the tart) 'Ere,
	is that rat tart?
M:	yes.
D:	Disgusting!  Right!  Men, the chase is on!  Now we should all kneel!
	(they all kneel)
All:	O Lord, we beseech thee, tell us 'oo croaked Lester!
	(thunder)
Voice of the Lord: The one in the braces, he done it!
Klaus:	It's a fair cop, but society's to blame.
Detective: Agreed.  We'll be charging them too.
K:	I'd like you to take the three boddlabin into consideration.
D:	Right.  I'll now ask you all to conclude this harrest with a hymn.

All:	All things bright and beautiful,
	All creatures great and small,
	All things wise and wonderful,
	The church has nigged them all.
	Amen.