*** The Bookshop Sketch - from Monty Python at the Hollywood Bowl ***
*** Transcribed from memory by Bret Shefter , who was in ***
*** a weird mood (as usual) on 3/25/86.  Revisions by mmd 4/3/86 ***


Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning.
Proprietor: Good morning, sir.  Can I help you?
C: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the Samarkind Desert with
   the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
P: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir...
C: Er, never mind, never mind.  How about "A Hundred and One Ways to
   Start a Fight"?
P: ...By?
C: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
P: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir....
C: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry.  Can you help me with "David
   Coperfield"?
P: Ah, yes, Dickens.
C: No....
P: (pause) I beg your pardon?
C: No, Edmund Wells.
P: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David Copperfield", sir...
C: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two* Ps. This is
   "David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells.
P: "David Coperfield" with one P?
C: Yes, I should have said.
P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
C: (peering over counter)  Funny, you've got a lot of books here....
P: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David Coperfield"
   with one P by Edmund Wells.
C: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
P: More THOROUGH?!?
C: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your "David Copper-
   field"s...
P: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's.
C: Are you quite sure?
P: Quite.
C: Not worth just looking?
P: Definitely not.
C: Oh... how 'bout "Grate Expectations"?
P: Yes, well we have that....
C: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
P: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it.  We don't have anything
   by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular.
C: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
P: (taciturn) No.
C: "Khristmas Karol" with a K?
P: (really quite perturbed) No....
C: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
P: DEFINITELY NOT.
C: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you....
P: Not at all....
C: Good morning.
P: Good morning.
C: (turning around) Oh!
P: (deep breath) Yesss?
C: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
P: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
C: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
P: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens??
C: Yes.
P: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
C: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens.  That's Dikkens with two Ks, the
   well-known Dutch author.
P: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens
   with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to save time I
   should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by Darles Chickens, or
   "Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even "Stickwick Stapers" by Farles
   Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!!  Why don't you try W. H. Smith's?
C: Ah did, They sent me here.
P: DID they.
C: Oh, I wonder...
P: Oh, do go on, please.
C: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of Captain Gladys
   Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the Giant Pygmies of
   Beckles"...volume eight.
P: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got
   a lot of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing here...thank you,
C: Oh, well do, do you have--