*** The Cheeseshop Sketch
*** From Monty Python's Brand New Papperbok
*** Transcribed from tape by Malcolm Dickinson , 4/4/86

                    ***  The Cheese Shoppe   ***

(a customer walks in the door.)

Customer: Good Morning.
Owner: Morning, Sir.  Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
C: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now,
   skimming through "Rouge Herrys" by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over
   all peckish.
O: Peckish, sir?
C: Esurient.
O: Eh?
C: 'Ee, Ah wor 'ungry-loike!
O: Ah, hungry!
C: In a nutshell.  And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do
   the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and
   infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some
   cheesy comestibles!
O: Come again?
C: I want to buy some cheese.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
C: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the
   Terpsichorean muse!
O: Sorry?
C: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
C: Most certainly!  Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir.  What would you like?
C: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
C: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
O: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it
   fresh on Monday.
C: Tish tish.  No matter.  Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if
   you please.
O: Ah!  It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks.  Was expecting it this
   morning.
C: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it?   Aah, Bel Paese?
O: Sorry, sir.
C: Red Windsor?
O: Normally, sir, yes.  Today the van broke down.
C: Ah.  Stilton?
O: Sorry.
C: Ementhal? Gruyere?
O: No.
C: Any Norweigan Jarlsberg, per chance.
O: No.
C: Lipta?
O: No.
C: Lancashire?
O: No.
C: White Stilton?
O: No.
C: Danish Brew?
O: No.
C: Double Goucester?
O:    No.
C: Cheshire?
O: No.
C: Dorset Bluveny?
O: No.
C: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier
   de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
O: No.
C: Camenbert, perhaps?
O: Ah!  We have Camenbert, yessir.
C: (suprised) You do!  Excellent.
O: Yessir.  It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
C: Oh, I like it runny.
O: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
C: No matter.  Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France!  Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
C: I don't care how fucking runny it is.  Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........!   
C: What now?
O: The cat's eaten it.
C:     Has he.
O: She, sir.
(pause)
C: Gouda?
O: No.
C: Edam?
O: No.
C: Case Ness?
O: No.
C: Smoked Austrian?
O: No.
C: Japanese Sage Darby?
O: No, sir.
C: You...do *have* some cheese, do you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir.  It's a cheese shop, sir.  We've got-
C: No no... don't tell me.   I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
C: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
O: Yes?
C: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh!  I thought you were talking to me, sir.
   Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

C: Greek Feta?
O: Uh, not as such.
C: Uuh, Gorgonzola?
O: no
C: Parmesan,
O: no
C: Mozarella,
O: no
C: Paper Cramer,
O: no
C: Danish Bimbo,
O: no
C: Czech sheep's milk,
O: no
C: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
O: Not *today*, sir, no.
(pause)
C: Aah, how about Cheddar?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
C: Not much ca--It's the single most popular cheese in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
C:  and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
O: 'Illchester, sir.
C: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
C: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
C: I see.  Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
O: Right, sir.
C: All right.  Okay.
   "Have you got any?"  He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir..
   nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
C: Is it be worth it?
O: Could be....
C: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir...
C: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
O: No.
C: Figures.
   Predictable, really I suppose.  It was an act of purest optimism to have
   posed the question in the first place.  Tell me:
O: Yessir?
C: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
O: Yes,sir.
C: Really?
(pause)
O: No.  Not really, sir.
C: You haven't.
O: Nosir.  Not a scrap.  I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
C: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
O: Right-ho, sir.

The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner.

C: What a *senseless* waste of human life.