*****  The French Castle Scene from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"   *****
*****  Transcribed 10/20/86 by Malcolm Dickinson '89  *****
*****  and the almost inevitable Bret Shefter '89 .    *****
*****  The end of the scetch was added by Dr.Doom / Amega Industries    *****

(King Arthur and his knights of the round table, along with their servants,
"ride" up to a castle.)

Arthur: Halt!

(King Arthur's servant, Patsy, blows a horn.)

Arthur: HELLO!

(waits)

Bedevere: HELLO!

(waits)

An armor-clad face appears at the top of the rampart.
It speaks in an outrageous French accent.

Soldier: 'Allo!  'Oo is it?
Arthur: It is King Arthur, and these are my knights of the Round Table.
        Whose castle is this?
S: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
A: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred
   quest.  If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us
   in our quest for the Holy Grail.
S: Well, I'll ask 'im, but I don't think 'e'll be very keen-- 'e's already
   got one, you see?
A: What?
Lancelot: He says they've already *got* one!
A: (confused) Are you *sure* he's got one?
S: Oh yes, it's ver' naahs.
   (to the other soldiers:)  I told 'em we've already *got* one!
   (they snicker)
A: (taken a bit off balance) Well... ah, um...  Can we come up and have a
   look?
S: Of course not!  You are English types.
A: Well, what are you then?
S: (Indignant) Ah'm French!  Why do you think I have this out-rrrageous
   accent, you silly king?!
A: What are you doing in *England*?
S: Mind your own business!
A: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
S: You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs!  Go and boil your bottoms, son of a
   silly person!  Ah blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur Keeeng"!  You and
   all your silly English Knnnnnnnn-ighuts!!!

(the soldier proceeds to bang on his helmet with his hands and stick out his
tongue at the knights, making strange noises.)

Galahad: What a strange person.
A: (getting mad) Now look here, my good ma--
S: Ah don' wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough
   wiper!  Ah fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and
   your father smelt of elderberries!
Galahad: Is there someone else up there we can talk to?
S: No!!  Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!

A: Now this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable!
S: (To the other soldiers) Get the cow (In french)
Another soldier: Quoi?
S: Get the cow!
(Two soldiers leads out a cow)
Cow: Muuuuh
A: If you do not agree to my demands, Then I shall...
(A silly sound. The cow bounces over the wall and lands on one of the servants)

A: CHARGE!
(Short battle)
A: RUN AWAY
(The soldier wave to them)
Lancelot: I shall tear them apart.
A: No No, No No!
Bedevere: Sir, I have a plan.

(Screen fades out)

(The soldier hears strange sounds from the wood, and can't figure out
 what it is. Suddenly a huge rabbit made of wood rolls out from the
 woods. The soldier bangs his head with his right glove. The knights
 places the rabbit outside the castles door and runs away. The soldier
 looks out of the door.)

S: (To the other soldiers) A wooden rabbit? (In frence ofcourse.)

One soldier: A present, ohh oui oui, hurry, lets go.
(The soldiers bring the rabbit into the castle)

A: What happens now?
B: Well, now, ah Lancelot, Gallahad and I, ah, wait until nightfall, and
   then leap out of the rabbit, taking the french, by suprise.
   Not only by suprise, but totally unarmed.
A: Who leaps out?
B: Ah, Lancelot, Gallahad and I... Leap out of the rabbit oof... and...
A: Ohh
B: Oh. Look, if we built this large wooden badger...
(Arthur slaps him with his gauntlet)

(Again, this silly sound and the wooden rabbit flies out from the castle)

A: RUN AWAY!
All: RUN AWAY etc.
(The rabbit falls on the same servant)