*** The Oxfod Home University Coarse
*** Transcribed from 'The brand new Monty Python book' by Dr.Doom

			The Oxfod Home University Coarse
     (Learn everything you need to know to get a B.A.(Oxfod) in three lessons!)

With only three lessons of the Oxfod Home University Coarse you can get a real
genuine degree in any of the following subjects:
Ballooning
Botany
Bio-chemistry
Brain-surgery
Chemistry (same as Bio-chemistry)
Coal Mining (practical)
Corks
Danish Literature
French (not as interesting as you'd think; I don't recommend this)
Gemistry (see Bio-chemistry)
High-jump
Interesting Facts
Mathematics (boring)
Pencils
Physics (same as Bio-chemistry)
Geography (should have been with the G's - sorry)
Reading
Rolling Down Grass Banks (one of the best coarses of the lot)
Studying (rotten)
Spy-writing (you'll need to buy a Platignum 'Spy-Masters' invisible pen set for
 this coarse)
Sums
Tortures
Uther Tortures
Very Nasty Tortures
Wizard Tortures
Yelling
Zoo (sorry - couldn't think of anything else)

Geography
Here is a specimen coarse:

Lesson 1: The World, A General Geographical Introduction

The World is round. It has seventy-two different countries and they're all on
dry land. The rest of the World is in the sea. Why doesn't the world float?
Well, if you go into your garden, and pick up a bit of the world and put it in
a jam-jar of water, you'll find that it sinks right down to the bottom, and
this practical experiment concludes our first lesson:
The World Is Heavier Than You Think.

Lesson 2: Different Bits of The World

China: It's a long way away, so you don't need to know too much about it. But
 basically, China is a very small, unimportant country with a large Asian
 population. It just shows the results of not curbing immigration soon enough.
 But oh no - nobody wanted to listen to Mr Powell and now look at the way the
 country's going.

India: This is worse than China, because they're all Pakis with unlimited
 freedom to walk around - and they don't even have to sign with the police!
 It's ruined India which used to be quite nice.

America: Much more like England. The Queen of America is called the President
 and at the moment it's a man. In fact America has never had a Queen on the
 throne, except possibly Warren G. Harding, mainly because American ladies are
 not gracious enough. In any case they all have deepfreezers and are very
 contented. Unlike China, America is extremely large. So large, in fact, that
 the travelogue I saw only had time to deal with one part, but evidently the
 most important part: Yellowstone National Park. This is really beautiful,
 evidently, and you can drive round it in enormous cars and point.

Australia: Same as America.

Great Britain: Home at last! This is the best country in the World. London is
 the 4th largest city in the World. The Post Office Tower is 850ft high, and
 Ben Nevis is 4,406ft high. Gt. Britain is the 7th largest island in the Whole
 World! The Manchester Ship Canal is the 6th longest inland waterway in the
 Whole World! And the 8th highest waterfall in the Whole World is named after
 King Edward VIII! Besides which the English Kings and Queens take up all of 4
 pages in the Whitaker's Almanac, whereas French Presidents only take up 1/2 a
 page.

Lesson 3: Revision

Conclusion: Well, how did you get on with your Geography coarse? All you have
 to do now is pass the exam. To do this send £5 to
  Mr E. Stebbins
  3, Hook Underpass
  Ewell Surrey
You will receive a beautiful hand decorated degree by return, plus full details
of the 'E. Stebbins Global Religion' Plan (U.K.) Ltd.