*** Ralph Melish
*** from Matching Tie & Handkerchief LP
*** transcribed from tape 11/16/87  Daniel Rich 

Narator: June the 4th, 1973.  It was much like any other summer's day
     in Petersburg, and Ralph Melish, a file clerk at an insurance
     company, was on his way to work as usual when....(Dramatic music)
     nothing happened.
     Scarcly able to believe his eyes, Ralph Melish looked down.  But
     one glance confirmed his suspicions.  Behind a bush on the side
     of the road, there was no severed arm, no dismembered trunk of a
     man in his late fifties, no head in a bag, nothing...not a sock.
     For Ralph Melish, this was not to be the start of any trail of
     events which would not, in no time at all, involve him in neither
     a tangled knot of suspicion nor any web of lies, which would, had
     he been not uninvolved, surely have led to no other place than
     the central criminal court of the old baliff.
     (Sound of gavel banging)
     But it was not to be.  Ralph Melish reached his office in
     Dallezll Street, Petersburg, at 9:05 am.  Exactly the same time
     as he usually got in.

Secretary: Morning Mr. Melish.

Melish: Morning Enid.

N: Enid, a sharp eyed, clever young girl, who had been with the firm
    for only 4 weeks, couldn't help noticing the complete absence of
    tiny but teltale bloodstains on Mr. Melish's clothing.  Nor did
    she notice anything strange in Mr. Melish's behavior that whole
    morning!  Nor the next morning.  Nor at any time before or since
    the entire period she worked with that firm.

M: Have the new paper clips arived Enid?

S: Yes, they're over there Mr. Melish.

M: Oh.

N: But for the lack of any untoward circumstances for this young
    secretary to notice, and the total non-involvement of Mr. Melish
    in anything illegal.  The full weight of the law would have
    ensured that Ralph Aldis Mellish would have ended up like all who
    challenge the fundemental laws of our society: in an iron coffin
    with spikes on the inside.

Wife: Turn that thing off.  You'll be late for the bus.  It's nearly
     half past nine.

Husband:  It was indeed nearly half past nine.

W: Now off you go!

H: Off I went on a perfectly ordinary day....(fade out)

W: Oh, I'm so worried about him doctor.

Doctor:  Yes.  Yes, I know what you mean.  I'm afraid he's suffering
     from what we doctor's call whooping cough.  That is, the failure
     of the autonomic nervous section of the brain to deal with the
     nerve impulses that enable you and I to retain some facts and
     eliminate others.

W: Another dog?

D: Not for me thank you.

W: I'll have one last one.

D: (Spoken over barking and yelping)  The human brain is like an
     enormous fish.  It's flat and slimy, and has gills through which it
     can see.  (Gunshot, barking stops).

W: There we are.

D: Should one of these gills fail to open (sound of frying in the
     background) the messages transmitted by the lungs don't reach the
     brain.  It's as simple as that.

W: Well, I'm a simple soul, I don't understand all that.  All I know
     is he's not the same man as I married.

D: Am I the man you married Mrs. Egis?

W: No, no.  Get away.  You'll get struck off

D: Come on, come on.

W: I can't.  I'm eating dog.

D: Come on, just a quick examination.

W: No, get off, I'm married.

H: But, Dr. Quatt was a man of quite remarkable medical insight, skill
     and determination.  And within a few minutes, he had completely
     removed my wife's knickers.

W: Get out you! (door slams)  oo, oo, doctor.  Oh doctor Quatt.

D: Now, now.  Put your tongue in my mouth.

W: No!

D: Oh, come on, come on.  I've got your knickers.

(Music up and fade....)