----    The Penguin on top of the Tellyvision set    ----
      ----    and The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots      ----
         ----    from Monty Python's Flying Circus    ----
--- transcribed from memory by Malcolm Dickinson  3/28/86 ---
--- Corrections added by Wade Kemp   11/14/87      ---


(voice over)  Number ninety-seven: a radio.

voice on radio: And now the BBC is proud to present a brand new radio drama
series: The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots.  Part One: The Beginning.

(music)

man's voice: Yoo arrr Mary, Queen of Scots?
woman's voice: I am!
(sound of violent blows being dealt, things being smashed, awful crunching
noises, bones being broken, and other bodily harm being inflicted.  All of
this accompanied by screaming from the woman.)

(music fades up and out)

voice: Stay tuned for part two of the Radio Four Production of "The Death of
Mary, Queen of Scots", coming up...almost immediately.

(music)
(sound of saw cutting, and other violent sounds as before, with the woman
 screaming.  Suddenly it is silent.)

man's voice: I think she's dead.
woman's voice: No I'm not!
(sounds of physical harm and screaming start again.)

(music fades up and out)
voice: that was episode two of "The Death of Mary, Queen of Scots", specially
adapted for radio by Gracie Fields and Joe Frazier.  And now, Radio Four will
explode.

(music)

the radio explodes.

two old women are sitting on the couch listening to the radio when it
explodes.  One looks at the other:

1: Oh dear, the radio exploded.
2: Oh, well  What's on the Telly vision then ?
1: It looks like a penguin.
2: I didn't mean what was on the T.V. set, I meant what program.
1: Oh, well I'll switch on.
1 & 2: (singing, mumbled)  hhmhmhmhmh... mhmmhmh mhmhm hhmhmmhm mhmhmmhmhmh
(pause)
1: It's odd that penguin being there, isn't it, What's it doin' there?
2: Standin'.
1: I can see that!
2: If it laid an egg it would fall down the back of the Telly Vision
   Set(pause) I don't know.
1: We'll have to watch that, (pause) unless it's a male.
2: OH, I hadn't thought of that
1: It looks fairly butch.
2: Perhaps it from nextdoor.
1: (indignent ) NEXTDOOR?!, Penguins don't come from nextdoor, they
   come from the antartic.
2: BURMA! ( sound of tea spoon being dropped into tea cup )
1: Why'd you say Burma ?
2: I panicked, Perhaps it's from the Zoo.
1: Which Zoo ?
2: How should I know which Zoo ?, I'm not Dr. Bloody Burnofsky!!
1: How would Dr. Burnofsky know which zoo it was from ??
2: He knows everything !
1: Oh, I wouldn't like that, it would take all the mystery out of life.
2: Anyway if it was from the zoo it would have
   "Property of the Zoo" stamped on it!
1: No it wouldn't, They don't stamp animals "Property of the Zoo"!!!
   You can't stamp a huge lion, "Property of the Zoo"!!
2: (resolute)  They stamp them when they're small.
1: But what happens when they molt?
2: Lions don't molt!
1: No, but penguins do,  There I've run rings around you logicaly.

2: OH,  INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN !! ( throws spoon at dishes )
(the television warms up: a man is sitting behind a news desk)

man: Hello It's just after 8:00  and time for the penguin on top of
   your television set to explode.

(the penguin explodes)

1: 'Ow did 'e know that was going to happen?!
man: it was an inspired guess.  And now:

voice over:  Number ninety-eight: the nape of the neck.