*** The Tale of Sir Lancelot ***
*** From Monty Python and the Holy Grail ***
*** Laboriously plagiarized by Bret "zzzz...." Shefter 
*** Thousand errors corrected by Dr.Doom / Amega Industries

                      THE TALE OF SIR Lancelot

As Sir Lancelot, the boldest and most expensive of the knights, lost his way
in the Forest of Ewing, at nearby Swamp Castle, a celebration was underway.


Setting: A small garret room in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.
	 The King and his son the Prince.

King: (gesturing expansively out the window) One day, lad, *all* this will
      be yours.
Son:  What, the curtains?
King: No, not the curtains, lad!  All that you can see, stretched out over
      the 'ills and valleys of this land.  That'll be your kindom, lad.
Son:  But, Mother...
King: Father, lad, Father.
Son:  But, Father, I don't want any of that.
King: Listen, lad:  I built this kingdom up from nuthin'.  When I started
      here, all of this was swamp!  Other kings said it was *daft* to build a
      castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em!  It
      sank into the swamp.  SO, I built a second one!  That sank into the
      swamp.  So I built a *third* one.  That burned down, fell over, *then*
      sank into the swamp.  But the fourth one......stayed up.  And that's
      what you're gonna get, lad:  the *strongest* castle in these islands.
Son:  But I don't want any of that! I'd rather...
King: Rather what?
Son:  I'd rather...just...sing!......
      
King: Stop that!  Stop that!  You're not going into a song while I'm here!
      
      Now, listen, lad.  In twenty minutes you're gettin' married to a girl
      whose father owns the biggest *tracts* of open land in England.
Son:  But I don't want land!
King: Listen, Alex...
Son:  'Erbert...
King: 'Erbert.  We live in a bloody swamp!  We need all the land we can get!!
Son:  But... but I don't *like* 'er!
King: don't like 'er?!?  What's wrong with 'er?  She's...  beautiful, she's...
      *rich*, she's got...  HUGE.............  tracts o' land...
Son:  Ah...ah know.  But I want the girl that I marry to have...  a
      certain...*special*...something...  
King: Cut that out!!  Cut that out.... 
      
      You're marryin' Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
      
      GUARDS!!!  
      Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
      
Guard 1:  Not to leave the room, even if you come and get 'im.
Guard 2: *Hic*
King:    Nono....  *Until* I come and get him.
Guard 1: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
King:     Nono, no... You *stay* in the room, and make sure *he*
         doesn't leave.
Guard 1: And you'll come and get him.
Guard 2: *Hic*
King:    Right.
Guard 1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him, entering the
         room.
King:    Nono.  *Leaving* the room.
Guard 1: Leaving the room, yes.
King:    All right?
Guard 1: 'Right.
King:    Right.  
Guard 1: Oh!  If if if uhhhh.... if if uhhhhh....  If if if we......
King:     Yes, what is it?
Guard 1: Oh.  I-if.......     Oh....
King:    Look, it's quite simple.
Guard 1: Uh.....
King:    You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room.
         All right?
Guard 2: *hic*
Guard 1: Oh, I remember!  Uhhhh, can he leave the room with us?
King:    No...nono, no.   You just keep him in 'ere, and make sure...
Guard 1: Oh yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he *had*
         to leave, and we *were* with him...
King:    nononono just KEEP HIM IN HERE
Guard 1: ...Until you or anyone else...
King:    No, not anyone else, just me...
Guard 1: ...Just you...
Guard 2: *hic*
King:    Get back.
Guard 1: Get back.
King:    Right?
Guard 1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Guard 2: *hic*
King:      And, uh... make sure 'e doesn't leave.
Guard 1: What?
King:      Make sure 'e doesn't leave!
Guard 1: The prince??????
King:    Yes, MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE...
Guard 2: *hic*
Guard 1: Oh, yes, of course!!  I thought you meant him!    You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard
         him when 'e's a guard...
King:     Is that clear?
Guard 1: Oh, quite clear, no problems!
Guard 2: *hic*
King:    Right. 
         Where are *you* going?
Guard 1: We're coming with you!
King: Nono, I want you to *stay* here and MAKE SURE 'E DOESN'T LEAVE!
Guard 1: Oh, I see, right!
Son:       but father...
King:    Shut your noise, you!  And get that suit on.  



         AND NO SINGING!
Guard 2: *hic*
King: Oh, go and get a glass of water.  (leaves)

The Prince looks at the guards.  They look at him.  He smiles.  They smile
back.  He gets a pen a paper out.  He smiles at them.  They smile back.
He scribbles something on it very fast, not looking at it.  He smiles at the
guards.  They smile back.  The Prince gets a bow and arrow from the wall.
He sticks the note on the arrow.  He smiles at the guards.  They smile back.
He side-steps to the window.  He smiles at the guards.  They smile back.
He shoots the arrow with the note out the window.  He puts down the bow.
He smiles at the guards.  They smile back.

Guard 2: *Hic*

Meanwhile, at a nearby stream, Sir Lancelot approaches. We hear horse's
hooves in the distance. Sir Lancelot appears, behind Concorde, who is
banging two coconut halves together to make the noise of a horse.

Lancelot:  Well taken, Concorde!
Concorde: Thank you sir, most kind!
Lancelot: And again... Over we go. Good, steady, and now... the big one!
         
Concorde: (as he falls) Message for you, sir.  (he falls)
Lancelot: Concorde!! Concorde! Speak to me!  (spying the arrow)
           "To whomever finds this note. I have been imprisoned by
          my father who wishes me to marry *against my will*!! Please
          please please come and rescue me.  I am in the Tall Tower of
          Swamp Castle."
           At last! A call! A cry of distress! This could be the
          sign that leads us to the holy grail! Brave, brave Concorde. You
          shall not have died in vain!  
Concorde: Eh...I... I'm not quite dead, sir!
Lancelot: (a bit put off) Well...you shall not have been...mortally wounded
         in vain! 
Concorde: I...I...I think I... I could pull through, sir.
Lancelot: Oh, I see.
Concorde: Actually I think I am alright to come with you, sir...

Lancelot: No, no, sweet Concorde, stay here, I will send help as soon as
         I have acomplished the daring and heroic rescue in my own
         particular...... Oh..
Concorde: Idium sir?
Lancelot: Idium
Concorde: I feel fine actually.
Lancelot: Fare well, sweet Concorde,
Concorde: I'll...I'll just stay here then, shall I sir? Yeah.

Scene: The drawbridge of Swamp Castle.  Two guards standing here looking very
       bored.  Off in the distance, they see Lancelot running towards them
       waving his sword in the air.  They look at each other, then back at
       Lancelot. They seem confused.  He does not get any closer, though he
       he keeps running.  The guards look at each other again.  One taps his
       forehead.  They lean on their pikes and idly watch Sir Lancelot
       still running towards them and getting nowhere.  They look at each
       other.  Suddenly Lancelot appears right next to them and runs them
       both through.  They die, considerably surprised.

       Lancelot runs through the castle, slicing, dicing, grating, mincing,
       and otherwise generally killing the entire populace.  He fights his
       way up to the Tower through the throngs of bewildered wedding guests.
       He reached the Tower and throws open the door.

Guard 1: You are not allowed to enter this room!  Urggh.  
Guard 2: *Hic*  
Lancelot: 
           Milady, here kneels the humble Sir Lancelot of Camelot,
           I have come to take you from...   Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Son:  You got my note!
Lancelot: Well, I got *a* note...
Son: You've come to rescue me!
Lancelot: Ehh...Well, now, you see...
Son: I knew some one would! I knew that somewhere out there... There must be
      someone!
King:   Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it!
        Who are you?
Son:  I am your son!
King: No, not you!
Lancelot: Ehh, I'm Sir Lancelot, sir.
Son:  He's come to rescue me, father!
Lancelot: Well, let's not jump to conclusions...
King: Did you kill all those guards?
Lancelot: Ahh.. Oh yes... Sorry.
King: They cost 50 pounds each!
Lancelot: Well, I'm awfully sorry. I may have got...a bit... carried away
           with the moment...
Son:  I'm ready, Sir Lancelot!  I've got a rope all ready!
King: You've killed eight wedding guests, that's all!
Lancelot: Well, you see the thing is... I tought your son was a lady.
King: I can understand that.
Son:  Hurry, Sir Lancelot! Hurry! 
King: Shut up!  You only killed the bride's father, that's all!
Lancelot: Well, I really didn't mean to...
King: DIDN'T MEAN TO!? You put the sword right through his head!
Lancelot: Oh, dear. Is he alright?
King:  You even kicked the bride in the chest! This gonna cost me a fortune!
Lancelot: Well I can explain, I was in the forest, Eh.. Riding north from
           Camelot, when I got this note, you see...
King: Camelot? Are you from Camelot?
Son:  (from outside)  Hurry, Sir Lancelot!
Lancelot: Eh.. I am a knight of King Arthur, sir.
King: Very nice castle Camelot. Very good game country.
Lancelot: Is it.
Son:  Hurrry, I am ready!
King: Would you... like to come and have a drink?
Lancelot: Oh, that's... that's awfully nice of you.
Son:  I AM READY!

Son: Oooh
Lancelot: You're nice to be so understanding. I'm afraid I sometimes get
	   a bit carried away
King: Oh, don't worry about that.
Son:  Oiii Splat

King: Now, this is the main hall.

Sir Lancelot goes down the stairs. Upon recognizing him as the one who
caused all the damage, the remaining guests shout such things as, "There
he is!" and, "He's the one!" and, "Get him!"

King: Oh, bloody hell.

Lancelot draws his sword and goes beserk again.
King: Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please
Lancelot: Sorry, sorry! See what I mean, I just get carried away, I'm
	   really most, awfully sorry, sorry, sorry everyone!
Monk: He killed the best man!

Lancelot is at last subdued before causing too much damage, save only
kicking the bride again, and the King prepares to make a speech.

King: Hold it! Hold it! Please Hold it!
      This is Sir Lancelot. From the court of Camelot. He is a brave
      and influential knight, and my special guest here today.
Lancelot: Hello.
Man:  He killed my aunt!
King: Please! This is supposed to be a happy occation!
      Let's not bequeat and argue about who killed who.
      We are here today, to witness the union, of two young people. In
      the joyfull bound of the holy wedding. Unfortunately, one of them,
      my son 'Erbert has just fallen to his death. (gasps) But, I don't
      like to think that I've lost a son, so much as... gained a daughter.
      For, since the tragic death of her father...
Voice: He's not quite dead!
King:  (thrown) Er...since the near fatal wounding of her father.
Voice: He's getting better!

King:  Since her own father, who, when he seemed about
      to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him...
Father: Oaahrghh (thump)
Voice: He's died!
King: And I want his only daughter, to look upon me, as her own Dad. In the
      very real and legally binding sense. And, I feel sure, that the
      merger of the union, between the princess, and the brave, but
      dangerous Sir Lancelot of Camelot!
Lancelot: What?
Voice: Look! The dead prince!
Concorde: He's not quite dead!
Son: I feel much better...
King: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
Son: I was saved in the last minute...
King: 'ow?
Son: Well, I'll tell you...
         
King: Not like that! NOT like that! NO! Stop it! Shut up!

Guests:                 He's going to tell,
                        he's going to tell,
                        he's going to tell,
                        he's going to tell!

                        He's going to tell,
                        he's going to tell,
                        he's going to tell,
                        he's going to tell!
Concorde: Quickly, sir, come this way.
Lancelot: No, It's not right for my idium! I must escape more...ahh...
Concorde: Dramaticly, sir?
Lancelot: Dramaticly! Weeee, Woahhhh  
Lancelot: Err...Excuse me, could someone give me a push?