*** Undertaker
*** from Monty Python - The Final Rip Off
*** transcribed from tape 3/30/88  Daniel Rich 

Man: Um, excuse me, is this the Undertakers?
Undertaker: Yep that's right, what can I do for you squire?
M: Um, well, I wonder if you can help me.  Uh, my mother has just died
    and I'm not quite sure what I should do.
U: Oh well, we can help you.  We deal with stiffs.
M: Stiffs.
U: Now there's three things we can do with your mum.  We can bury her,
    burn her, or dump her.
M: Dump her?
U: Dump her in the Thames.
M: What?
U: Oh, did you like her?
M: Yes!
U: Oh well we won't dump her then.  Well, what do you think.  Burn her
    or bury her.
M: Well, um, which would you recommend?
U: Well, they're both nasty.  If we burn her she gets stuffed in the
    flames; crackle, crackle, crackle; which is a bit of a shock if she's
    not quite dead, but quick.  And then you get a box of ashes which you
    can pretend are hers.
M: Oh.
U: Or, if you don't want to fry her, you can bury her, and then she'll
    get eaten up by maggots and weevels; nibble, nibble, nibble; which
    isn't so hot, if as I said, she's not quite dead.
M: I see, um, well, I'm not very sure she's definately dead.
U: Where is she?
M: She's in this sack.
U: Let's have a look.  Umm, she looks quite young.
M: Yes, she was.
U: (calling) Fred.
Fred: Yes?
U: I think we've got an eater.
F: I'll get the oven on.
M: Um, uh, excuse me.  Um, are you suggesting we should eat my mother?
U: Yeah, not raw, we'd cook her.  She'd be delicious with a few french
    fries, a bit of brautaline stuffing, delicious!
M: What?  Well, actually I do feel a little bit peckish.  No, I can't.
U: Look, we'll eat your mum and if you feel a bit guility about it
afterward we can dig a grave and you can throw up in it.
M: Alright.