Newsgroups: alt.tv.red-dwarf
From: jamie@gaul.csd.uwo.ca (Jamie Blustein)
Subject: The Red Dwarf Quotes File
Summary: quotes file converted to fortune foramt, etc. POSTED
Here's the quote file in fortune format. It differs from the
original posting in that:
- it contains 86 entries (the original had 94)
- it is formatted to 72 columns
- attributions are in fortune format
- many suggested changes have been made, but not all
- quotes have been removed where they were inappropriate
- some comments have been removed.
James Blustein `Did you say "knives"?'
jamie@uwo.ca> `*Rotating* knives, yes.'
---8<---
Lister: You see I try sir. I'm not an insubordinate man by nature. I
try and respect Rimmer, but it's not easy because he's such a
smeghead.
Rimmer: Did you hear that sir? Lister, do you have any conception of
the penalty for describing a superior technician as a
smeghead?
Todhunter: Oh Rimmer, you are a smeghead.
-- Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
You didn't have the right parents, whose parents did you have?
-- Lister to Rimmer in Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
Petersen: Have you seen Rimmer's arm?
Chen: No, I'm waiting for it to come out in paperback!
-- Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
Lister: Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?
Rimmer: I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.
-- Red Dwarf `Parallel Universe'
%%
That's rich coming from Miss Yo-yo knickers.
-- Lister to his female counterpart in Red Dwarf
`Parallel Universe'
%%
I had this Geography teacher Miss Foster, she took us on a school
summer camp trip to the Ganwee. I had the tent next to her, right.
And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird
noise. She didn't think men were better than machines.
-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Cat: Look at my hands, I had lovely hands.
Lister: Well wear the smegging gloves.
Cat: (picking up gloves) Marigold with blue? Are you crazy?
-- Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Lister: Look at what he's given me for dinner, a pea on toast. One
pea. I tell you I'm that far from cracking. (goes to cut the
pea, it rolls away) I've lost my pea, oh that's it I've
cracked.
Rimmer: He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Lister: Is he. Well. I want my pea back, it's my pea, I earned that
pea. Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor covered
in fluff, if it's under the bed with my toenail clippings, I
don't care where it is, it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to
eat it, no matter what!
Rimmer: It flew off into your dirty sock basket.
Lister: I'll just have the toast.
-- Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
During the chess game in `Queeg':
Cat: If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a
pattern emerging. Every time you make a move, he makes one
too (winks to Holly).
Holly: (winks back) Thanks Cat.
-- Red Dwarf
%%
Holly: We are talking April, May, June, July and August fool. Yes,
that's right, I am Queeg.
Rimmer, Lister, Cat: WHAT?!!
-- Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Rimmer: Kryten, unpack Rachel and get out the puncture repair kit.
I'm ALIVE!!!!! (just before he explodes)
-- Red Dwarf `Timeslides'
%%
This is mine; that's mine,[etc.]; I'm claiming all this as mine ...
except that bit. I don't want that bit. But all the rest of this is
mine! Hey, this has been a good day! I've eaten five times, I've
slept six times, and I made a lot of things mine! Tomorrow I'm going
to see if I can have sex with something!
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Confidence and Paranoia'
%%
Kryten: She looks like your cousin? What happened, was she in some
kind of horrible accident?
Rimmer: What, Janine? No, she was a model!
Kryten: What did she model, spark plugs?
-- Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
You'll like them... Well some of them... Well one of them... Maybe....
-- Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
Smmeeeeeeggggggg heeeeaaaaaadddddd
-- Kryten in Red Dwarf
%%
He's got 'droid rot. He's waving a banana in front of my face and
calling it an aardvark
-- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
Smoke me a kipper, skipper; I'll be back for breakfast.
-- Ace Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump'
%%
Dehydration - 34%, Recollection of previous evening - 2%, embarrassment
factor - 91%. Advise repair schedule:- off line for 36 hours, re-boot
startup disk, and replace head - wow, what a night!
-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
Lister: We're on a mining ship, 3 million years into deep space. Can
someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Cat: Hey it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone! It's
the policewoman's helmet and the suspenders taht I don't
understand!
-- Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
Rimmer: You? How did you get into art college?
Lister: The same way you always get into art college. The same old
usual boring normal way everyone gets into art college. I
failed my exams and applied...they snapped me up!
-- Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory'
%%
A superlative suggestion sir, with just two minor flaws: one, we don't
have any defensive shields and two, we don't have any defensive shields.
I know that, technically, that's only one flaw, but it was such a big
one I thought I'd mention it twice.
-- Kryten (in response to the Cat's suggestion that
they drop the defensive shields) in Red Dwarf
`Holoship'
%%
Holly: Better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album
by Olivia Newton John.
Lister: Why?
Holly: Well, anything's better than listening to an album by Olivia
Newton-John.
-- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak'
%%
Holly - explaining the milk shortage aboard the Dwarf
Holly: Nothing wrong with Dog's milk: full of goodness; full of
vitamins; full of marrow-bone jelly! Lasts longer than any
other type of milk, dog's milk.
Lister: Why's that?
Holly: No bugger will drink it!
-- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak'
%%
Lister: Shouldn't this cable go somewhere?
Holly: Yes, connect it to the blue cable.
[F/X Lister is electrocuted]
Holly: Or was that the yellow cable? Yes, I think it should be the
yellow cable.
-- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak'
%%
Your sausages, Dave, now cover 98% of the Earth's surface.
-- Red Dwarf `Me^2'
%%
Rimmer: The lamb was a bit of a flop though.
Lister: Everybody thought the lamb was the cheese, and the lemon
meringue pie, man, what was that?
Rimmer: I thought you liked that -- you brought some back.
Lister: Yeah, I wanted to try some on my athlete's foot!
-- Red Dwarf `Better Than Life'
%%
Some might say I'm a pretty shallow guy, but a shallow guy with a
great ass!
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
You're as much use as a condom machine at the Vatican.
-- Rimmer to Holly in Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
Lister, if two people came to you for a job, and one of them's dead,
which one would you choose?
-- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Queeg'
%%
The way the light catches the angles of your head...most enchanting.
-- Kryten to Camille in Red Dwarf `Camille'
%%
I'm not pished!
-- Lister in Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish. Fish.
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
My god! But I was only away two minutes!
-- Kryten, on being told that the Nova 5 crew
was dead in Red Dwarf `Kryten'
%%
Of course...lager...the only thing that can kill a vindaloo.
-- Lister, fighting the vindaloo monster
in Red Dwarf `DNA'
%%
Isn't it about this time your head goes back to the lab for re-tuning?
-- Rimmer to Kryten in Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
No vacuum cleaner should give a human being a double polaroid.
-- Red Dwarf `The Last Day'
%%
Holly: Well she [Kochanski] won't be of much use to you on Fiji now --
not unless it snows and you need something to grit the path with.
-- Red Dwarf `The End'
%%
If you're interested, I'll be in my quarters, covered in maple syrup.
-- Red Dwarf `Dimension Jump'
%%
Convict: You have no weapons?
Lister: No. Do you?
Convict: No.
(they advance on the gangway)
Convict: (pulling out a knife) Guess what, I lied.
Lister: So did I. (Smiles as he whips out a steel pipe)
Convict: (pulls out a gun) But I lied twice. (A short bayonet slides out
the end of the gun)
Lister: (getting worried) I didn't think of that.
[A great scene... Especially when the Cat 'finishes' him off with the
shovel.]
-- Red Dwarf `Justice'
%%
Ahead groove factor 5! Yeah!
-- Holly in Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory'
%%
You forgot Rimmer's Rule: Never fight anything with more teeth than
the entire Osmond family
-- Red Dwarf `Polymorph'
%%
This isn't a meal -- this is an autopsy!
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Polymorph'
%%
It will be happened; it shall be going to be happening; it will be was
an event that could will have been taken place in the future.
-- Red Dwarf `Future Echoes'
%%
Lister: Love is what separates us from the animals
Rimmer: No, Lister -- what separates us from animals is that we don't
use our tongues to clean our genitals.
-- Red Dwarf `Confidence & Paranoia'
%%
Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say...
Rimmer: Yes?
Rimmer's Father: I just wanted to say...you're a total smeghead!
Rimmer: What?! That isn't my fantasy!
Cat: No, it's mine.
-- Red Dwarf `Better than life'
%%
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings, when they're properly cooked
to perfection, proper dumplings do not bounce!
-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Thanks for the Memory'
%%
Cat: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space time continuum.
Cat: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand
still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve
whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a singularity, a point in the universe where the normal
laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Why didn't you say so?
-- Red Dwarf `Stasis Leak'
%%
`Mr. Arnold' isn't even his name. His name's `Rimmer'; or `Smeghead';
or `Dinosaur Breath'; or `Molecule Mind'. And if you want to be really
mega-polite to him, Kryten -- we're talking mega-mega-polite -- in those
rare and exceptional circumstances, you can call him "Arsehole".
-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Kryten'
%%
Confidence: I killed him, cha cha cha.
Lister: What do you mean you killed him cha cha cha?
-- Red Dwarf `Confidence and Paranoia'
%%
I'm going to eat you little fishie; I'm going to eat you little
fishie; I'm going to eat you little fishie; 'cos I like eating fish!'
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Better than life'
%%
His head burst!
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Justice'
%%
Kryten: The question is, how do we turn him back?
Rimmer: No, the question is, do we want to?'
(shortly after Lister has been turned into a chicken.)
-- Red Dwarf `DNA'
%%
Oxygen's for losers!
-- Confidence in Red Dwarf `Confidence and
Paranoia'
%%
Given that God is infinite, and given that the Universe is infinite...
would you like a toasted tea cake?
-- Talkie Toaster in Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
Rimmer: You're totally egocentric, you flee at the first sign of
trouble, you always look out for Number One, you're vain,
you're narcissistic and you're self-obsessed.
Cat: Hey, you just listed all my best features!
-- Red Dwarf `White Hole'
%%
Rimmer: I thought it was the worst pile of blueberry schoolgirl mush I
have ever been forced to endure. I consider it an insult to
my backside to have to sit growing carbuncles through such
putrid adolescent slush.
Kryten: You didn't find it uplifting?
[....]
Cat: Personally, I thought it started well, then fell apart. All that
stuff about the ducks getting into trouble was great, but then
it went black-and-white and I fell asleep.
Kryten: But, sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme!
-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Well its true - a simple carpenters son who learns magic tricks like
that and _doesn't_ go into show business?
- Rimmer commenting on 'King of Kings' - The Story of Jesus
-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Kryten: They've taken Mr Rimmer! Sir, they've taken Mr Rimmer!
Cat: Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back.
-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Nirvana: What do you do when you want to have sex?
Rimmer: We...go for runs? Watch gardening video's on the ship's vid?
-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Nirvana: It was...different
Rimmer: Different?
Nirvana: You make love like a Japanese meal - small portions but _so_
many courses.
[....]
Nirvana: We usually talk.
Rimmer: What do you talk about?
Nirvana: Oh, research, new theories, mission profiles...
Rimmer: I'm sorry. I must seem very ignorant. I hardly said anything,
apart from `Geronimo'.
-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck
up megalomaniacs...do you really think you'll fit in with them? What
am I saying? Bon Voyage.
-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Sir, I beg you to reconsider. If not for your sanity, you haven't even
considered the moral implications of your decision. You will be joining
a society where you will be compelled to have sex with beautiful woman
twice daily, on demand. Now, am I the only one here who finds that
just a little bit tacky? Well, quite clearly, I am.
-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
You must remember that he is operating on a completely different level
to us now. To him, we are the mental equivalent of domestic science
teachers.
-- Kryten, describing Rimmer with mind implants
in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Woman: I'd just like to get one thing clear in my mind. This is an
opportunity to be revived as a hologram and become a part of
the crew ... and the crew is you 3. Basically, you spend your
time salvaging derelict spaceships, playing poker, and eating
curries?
Lister: We don't exactly do much salvaging.
Woman: But you do sound like you eat a lot of curries?
Kryten: We don't exactly eat curries every night, if that's what you
mean. In fact, I distinctly remember a time last June, Mr
Lister had a pizza. Remember? And you didn't like it, then I
poured curry sauce all over it, and he just yummed it up!
Woman: And the all night poker sessions. Is it always _strip_ poker?
Lister: It all depends on how drunk we are.
Cat: Or how much curry he's had.
Woman: So, and this probably sounds like a stupid question, you don't
have much interest in horse riding or ballet?
Lister: Fine by us, just so long as we can have a curry afterwards,
we're cool. Well of course, there's one or two other people
we have to see, but in theory, if offered the post of
replacement hologram, would you accept?
Woman: No. No, I think I'm better where I am.
Cat: But you're dead!
Woman: And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole
lot more.
-- Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
But, I just want to say, over the years, I have come to regard you
as...people I met.
-- Rimmer, making his goodbyes in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Oh and sir, you're wrong. We won't be apart. We just won't be together.
I cannot believe I just said that.
-- Rimmer, talking about Nirvana in Red Dwarf `Holoship'
%%
Kryten: Ah, Virgil's Aeneid, oh the epic tale of Agamemnon's pursuit
of Helen of Troy. The classic work by the greatest Latin poet
who ever put quill to parchment.
Lister: Yeah, its the comic book version.
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Kryten: That is the Inquisitor. He prunes away the wastrels, expunges
the wretched, and deletes the worthless.
Rimmer: We're in big trouble.
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Rimmer: Why did no one mention this before. If I had been told about
this at the start, that the whole object was to lead a
worthwhile life, I could have done something about it. All
those charity telethons that I pledged to - if I had known, I
would have given them _my_ credit card number.
Kryten: Sir, sir, you don't have to be a great philanthropist, or a
missionary worker, you simply have to seize the gift of life.
Rimmer: Oh god.
Kryten: Make a contribution.
Rimmer: Oh God.
Kryten: No matter how small.
Rimmer: Oh GOD.
Kryten: You simply, simply, have to have to have led a life that
wasn't totally egocentric, self centered, and self serving.
Rimmer: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Inquisitor: Because, like all who stand before the Inquisitor, you're
judge shall be ... yourself.
Rimmer: Oh SMEG.
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Some might say that I'm a pretty shallow guy, but shallow guy with a
great ass. - Cat, justifying himself.
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Lister: If you've got some amazingly secret plan up your sleeves
Kryten, now is the time to tell me about it.
Kryten: No plan sir. No sleeves.
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Lister: We used to be your shipmates.
Rimmer: Only - we've forgotten you.
Lister: Yeah.
Rimmer: Well, I don't know about you -- but I'm convinced.
-- Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
You once spent an afternoon on the Samaritan switchboard and 4 people
committed suicide!
-- Lister, trying to persuade Rimmer that he knows him.
in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Excuse me, could I please just distract you for one brief second?
-- Kryten, distracting the Inquisitor
in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Nyaa. It's the old back firing time gauntlet trick.
-- Lister in Red Dwarf `Inquisitor'
%%
Kryten personal black box recording. Time unknown. Location unknown.
Cause of accident unknown. Should someone find this, perhaps it will
shed light as to what happened here. My short term memory has been
erased. This I ascribe to the proximity of the coils of Starbug's main
engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my
short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the
erasure of my short term memory, has left me a little disoriented.
-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Terrorform'
%%
Lister: Help. Something is crawling up my leg. I think it's a
tarantula.
Cat: (You're playing that dumb adventure game!)
Lister: It's in my boxers. I think it's making a nest.
Cat: (Try buying a potion from Gandalf the master wizard -- that's what
I usually do.)
Lister: I'm SERIOUS.
Cat: It has an eye the size of a meatball.
Lister: Kill it.
Cat: How?
Lister: I can't think straight. I've got a tarantula with an eye the
size of a meatball setting up home in my joy department. Help
me.
Cat: I'm scared.
Lister: YOU'RE scared? How d'you think I feel?
Cat: You haven't SEEN it!
Lister: The lower half of my body has gone numb.
Cat: That's probably for the best.
Lister: It's moving. Oh *#%^**!!!!
Hand: Hello. Kryten in danger. No time to explain. Follow.
-- Red Dwarf `Terrorform'
%%
Sir -- a couple of brief points. Firstly, you're not a qualified
service engineer, and consequently, sawing me in two will invalidate my
guarantee. Secondly, I wouldn't trust you to open a sardine can that
was already open.
-- Kryten in Red Dwarf `Terrorform'
%%
Lister: Is it me, or are those frogs saying useless?
Frogs: Useless, useless, Rimmer you're useless.
Cat: Hey wow, you've got a giant blood sucking leech on your neck!
And it's got a human face!
Lister: It's Rimmer's mum!
-- Red Dwarf `Terrorform'
%%
Cat: Don't fish swim south for the winter?
Kryten: That's birds sir.
Cat: Birds swim south for the winter?! How do they breathe?
-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Why would a haddock kill itself? Why am I even asking that question?
- Lister, when they discover the suicides in
-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Hang five, guys. I'm getting something. He committed suicide, he
committed suicide, he committed suicide, the fish committed suicide.
There is some kind of link here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
-- Cat in Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Kryten: Some kind of sea creature, a life form we have never seen
before attacked the ship. It has a very curious defence form.
It secretes a venom, a poison, possibly even a hallucinogenic
which disfunctions its prey by inducing despair. That's why
the crew members, and even that fish, committed suicide.
Unfortunately, we have become contaminated. It's a greatly
reduced dose but we may find that we do experience (bursts
into tears) moments of despair and anguish.
Rimmer: What about Lister and the Cat?
Lister: I'm OK. I don't seem to be affected. It's true, I don't think
anyone has ever truly loved me in my entire life.
Cat: What is it with you guys? This is like Saturday night at the
Wailing Wall. Why is it always me that has to be the strong
one? I mean you guys just fall apart (crying).
-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Kryten: Listen, whoever you are, don't push your luck by ordering
whoever I am around because almost certainly whoever I am, I'm
not going to take any crap from whoever you are. So before you
start ordering me around lets establish whether I am the type
of guy who doesn't mind being ordered around or whether I get
all up tight by being ordered about by whatever type of guy
you are. CLEAR! [....]
Kryten: Jake Bullet, Cybernetic Detective. I like the sound of that.
That sounds like the kind of hard living flat foot who gets
the job done by cutting corners and bucking authority, and if
those pen pushers up at City Hall don't like it, well they can
park their overpayed fat asses on this middle digit and
swivel. Swivel until they squeal like pigs on a honeymoon.
Rimmer: On the other hand `Mr Bullet', perhaps the Cybernetics
division is in charge of traffic control and you just happen
to have a rather silly macho name. [....]
Kryten: Bullet. Cybernetics.
Cop: That's traffic control.
-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
Rimmer: Billy Doyle. Well that's a name that comes from the wrong side
of the the tracks isn't it. You can see it all now. A youth
spent in and out of corrective institutions, a string of
illegitimate children. The wife will be all white shoes, no
tights and blotchy legs. He has to take up petty crime to
cover the court orders for the maintenance. Before he knows it
he's standing in a bank with a sawn off shotgun. Somehow it
goes off. An old lady gets both barrels through a crocheted
bobbly hat. All he can do is hide. But where, and that it
hits him. With all his ill-gotten gains he can buy 4 years in
a computer game and wait until the heat is off. And so it
ends, the Ballard of Billy `Granny Killer' Doyle.
Lister: (To Rimmer) It's yours.
Rimmer: What?!
Lister: It's yours -- Bill.
Rimmer: No.
Lister: Check the ugly mug on the ID then man.
Rimmer: William Doyle. `William Doyle'. Good old Bill Doyle. That
sounds like a hell of a good name to me. Probably connected to
the Boston Doyles. Old money, blue chip stock. You know I
think it's all starting to come back to me now.
Lister: What puzzles me slightly, is what a man of such undoubtedly
good breeding is doing with a coat that smells like an elderly
male Yak has taken a leak in both pockets.
Rimmer: Well isn't it obvious.
Kryten: No it isn't.
Rimmer: OH MY GOD. My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak
Urine.
-- Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
%%
This is a nightmare. I'm on the run from the fascist police with a
murderer, a mass murderer and a man in a bri-nylon shirt. A piece of
flotsam, jetsam human wreckage sputum bag who smells like a Yak latrine.
And now my best flashing mac' is about to be splattered with an androids
brain. I'm after you with the gun.
-- Rimmer in Red Dwarf `Back to Reality'
--
James Blustein `Did you say "knives"?'
jamie@uwo.ca> `*Rotating* knives, yes.'