Babylon 5 Humor
Humor related to the Science Fiction TV show Babylon 5.
[*]'96 Election slogans
Takashima in '96: She'll send you a fruit basket...
Vir in '96: Nothing bothers him anymore...
[*]Everything I need to know, I got from Babylon 5
Don't argue with superior beings.
Know what you want in case somebody asks.
[*]If B5 was an anime show:
Now if a stereotypical anime company did Babylon 5
- Talia Winters would be a space bimbo that sang idol songs in bad
English.
- Garibaldi would grunt a lot.
[*]Babylon Minus Five cancelled
Spoof reasons why the R-rated Babylon 5 was cancelled
[*]Centauri Ship designs
POLTROON CLASS
These are the top-of-the-line Centauri war vessels, usually used as
admiral's flagships. Every deck has its own gourmet restaurant and
brothel. Even steerage!
[*]Why did the Babylon 5 chicken cross the road?
Morden: It was what the chicken wanted.
John Sheridan: The last time a chicken crossed the road, I blew it
straight to hell!
[*]Speculation on what really happens in Chrysalis
> then something astonishing happens;
Kosh is heard to use the word "dude" in a sentence.
[*]Ad for a commander of B5
From: Chicago Tribune Help Wanted Section, July 21, 2257
Wanted: Commander for newly completed space station. 3 previous
stations destroyed by sabotage, 1 disappeared inexplicably in front of
a transport-load of construction workers.
[*]A mad bomber comes aboard in this Tick(?) parody
Guard : Well Mr. 'Bomber', your ID checks out. Replacement
electrician, eh?
Mr. 'Bomber': Yeah baby, just a parttime electrician. I mean, don't
cut the red wire, baby! Better red than dead!
Haaaahahahahahahahaha...!!!
[*]B5's Conventional Wisdom (Up/Down/Same) since "Divided Loyalties"
In airing order, and has spoilers!
[*]Babylon 5 dating guide
1. Don't tell a Drazi, "That's not your color."
2. Don't suggest a day trip to the planet below.
3. Don't offer to open a door unless you're sure it's not an airlock.
[*]Spoof dolls of Babylon 5 Characters
DELENN. Special amazing new Delenn Transformer, from the same company
that brought you Optimus Prime and Megatron. Start off bald and with a
bone, but flick those hinges, fold back those flaps, and hey presto
she's gone into a chrysalis. Work it some more and - wow! - she's
changed!
[*]Babylon 5 meets Dr. Seuss
A partial list of working titles, plot summaries, and script fragments
was released by the executors. Some of the titles Geisel was working
on are:
"Morden Spears a Spoo"
[*]Babylon 5 Filks
Old songs, new words. Avoid at all costs! :)
[*]TV Game shows on B5!
Newcomer: Excuse please, much hurry. I Zathras. Want money. NEED
money. Great debts. Terrible debts. Zathras no can pay electric
company. A Great Darkness, Zathras' home. Need much cash. This show,
Biggest of all Jackpots, I need. Needing, I play. Playing, I win.
There is no more to telling.
[*]A count of votes in the GREEN! PURPLE! debate on rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
......and if I see ONE more entry on "GREEN/PURPLE" cluttering up this
newsgroup, the offender is going to get a six-thousand-line UUENCODED
binary of Kermit The Frog singing "IT AIN'T EASY BEING GREEN!" by
return mail.
[*]Hamlet on B5
It can be revealed. Something is rotten in grid Epsilon.
from Act III, Scene IV translated from the original Klingon:
[*]Ivanova's Halloween behavior
Ouch
[*]How Ivanova and Marcus met Spoof, small spoilers for end season 2 and
season 3
ANNOUNCER (v.o.) From Earharts, Babylon 5's best club, it's, "Singled
Out," with your hosts, Tech #1's from 2258 and 2259.
CORWIN: In the crowd are 50 single guys, or the closest alien
facsimile to guys! Hey boss, introduce our lucky female contestant!
Our contestant is the first officer of this station, and a rising star
in Earth Force. Let's give it up for Commander Susan Ivanova!
[*]Kosh's Karaoke machine
Lennier opens up with a familiar riff from a mid-to-late 20th century
rock-n-roll song. The translator starts to fill in the bass guitar and
drum parts automatically. Various orifices on Kosh's encounter.cgi
suit sprout Varilights (tm).
[*]Theme to the JMS fan club
Sung to the Mickey Mouse Club Theme -- 1950's Version
Male voices chanting: J M S Club, J M S Club, ...
Chorus: Who's the leader of the club
That's made for you and me?
S-T-R A-C-Z Y-N-S-K-I
J M S, ...
[*]What kind of atmosphere to ask for if kidnapped by aliens
Useful information no paranoid should be without
[*]The last words of various characters on Babylon 5
Morden: Please stop waving, Vir. You made your point.
Kosh:(tweet, flush, crash) "Rosebud." (cough, sputter, gasp)
Lennier: "Delenn. When I said I would follow you into fire, I was
speaking figuratively."
[*]Legends of the Fall meets The Fall of Night
Some spoilers for the season 2 finale.
[*]Babylon 5 inspired License plates
B5 FAN
BOOM
[*]Babylon 5 Lightbulbs
How many _______ does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
Mimbari:They surender.
Narn: 2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to look up how Joe'Quan did
it.
[*]Why living ships won't do well in combat (Spoof)
1. Attitude:
Captain: Full speed ahead!
Living Ship (LS): Make me cheese-brain.
[*]What if Babylon 5 was written by Marvel Comics? Warning: Spoilers for
the final 4 of season 2, first episode of season 3
Sinclair hears of Delenn's bad hair episode through his Ranger
contacts and is, for a time, driven to drink. But by episode 8
Sinclair resolves that he must fight the Mandarin's vicious onslaught
and, with the assistance of a heretofore unknown friend who's big into
the production of advanced combat armor, one Anthony Stark, returns to
B5 as the invincible Iron Man.
[*]Spoofing the Minbari 1st Contact protocols
Minbari Commander: "We are the Peace Police and we'll show our guns to
everyone we encounter.cgi. If they make an aggressive move, we'll wipe
'em out. Simple as that. There's no place in this Universe for
war-like species."
[*]A scene cut from the Season 3 opener, Matters of Honor WARNING:
SPOILERS!
Spoilers. Follow link at your own risk.
[*]The Mollari Group
VIR COTTO (off-camera): From Babylon 5, it's "The Mollari Group," a
live and unrehearsed program bringing you political insights and
predictions from the galaxy's most knowledgeable insiders!
[Cut to recorded sponsor's credit.]
ANNOUNCER: Interplanetary Expeditions is proud to be a supporter of
"The Mollari Group." I.E.--we bring good things back to life!
[*]The Morden Utilities
Adumbrare Software Solutions(tm) announces the Latest release of the
Morden Utilities for People(tm).
Built from the ground up using the latest in their patented OLDE(tm)
technololgy (ominous, licentious double entendre), Morden utilities is
able to give the POWER USER more flexibility in the way they control
other's lives.
[*]The B5 movie, recast
So, just who will star in these forthcoming blockbusters?
Early reports, from new producer Rick Berman, suggest that we should
expect the unexpected....
SINCLAIR: Leslie Nielsen
IVANOVA: Kathleen Turner
GARIBALDI: Bruce Willis (cast against type)
WINTERS: Cybill Shepherd
FRANKLIN: Denzel Washington
DELENN: Meryll Streep
[*]Babylon5 & Cinema crossovers
"Animal Station" B5 is invaded by an alien swarm of drunken college
students! It's Spring Break 2269, and suddenly Garibaldi is up to his
ears in fraternity-boy hijinks! Unfortunately for Sheridan, the
Galactic Conference of Teetotalers are having their annual convention
on B5 at the same time and if they aren't kept happy, heads will roll!
[*]B5 music
Today's Question: "What is your favorite piece of classical music from
Earth?"
G'KAR (Narn ambassador): "It is one of my dreams to conduct a
performance of Mozart's *The Magic Flute*--especially if I can arrange
to have the flute in question carved from Ambassador Mollari's femur."
[*]The fate of N'Grath, revealed
It's not here; go to the link! :)
[*]Season II officepool
1. The first of the regular characters (those who appear in the
opening credits) to die will be
[*]If other authors wrote B5...
Heinlein?
-- Talia and Ivanova would already be sleeping together...
-- this would surprise no one, for everyone else would be sleeping
together as well... -- did I mention they'd all be related?
-- Mars rebels would be throwing large chunks of rock at Earth...
-- every female on the show would possess multiple doctorates...
-- every female on the show would be pregnant...
[*]If other directors wrote B5...
What if the arc were written/directed by...
Stanley Kubrick? - Each episode would be two hours long, and take
eight years to film.
- Dialogue? What dialogue?
- The whole show would be shot using the Steadicam, with lots of slow
tracking shots, symmetrical compositions, and closeups on mad faces.
[*]The Greater Enemy(Parody by Shane Killian)
Captain's Log. Stardate: 2259, the year the great war came upon us
all. Ever since the Enterprise has arrived in our universe, they have
been unable to use much of their technology. And even as we struggle
to help them find their way back, we face an incident between them and
the Narn regime. Two questions are presently bothering me: Will we be
able to get them back without exacerbating the present situation, and
why am *I* the one doing the Captain's Log voiceover?
[*]Parody: It came from the Black Space Lagoon (ST/B5 crossover spoof)
IVANOVA: Is there anything wrong with the pasty-skinned fellow there?
PICARD: Nothing that a thousand-ton press couldn't fix. He's our
android. We'll switch him back on momentarily.
IVANOVA: Android? As in, robot? I never thought I'd live to see a
robot on Babylon 5, with the way Straczynski talks about them.
[*]The case of Babylon 5 present Peter Pan
Tinker Bell: Kosh Naranek
The Lost Boys: Zack Allen, Marcus Cole, Vir Cotto, and Lennier
Tiger Lily: Na'Toth
Captain Hook: Londo Mollari
Smee: Morden
The Crocodile: Gla'za'mit, the Pak'ma'ra Ambassador
[*]Babylon 5 Pets
Speculation as to what pet each B5 character would choose
Commander Jeffrey Sinclair -- English Sheep Dog
-- Cheshire Cat
[*]B5 Phone sex
push 1 for Susan ... our sexy S&M mistress
push 2 for Talia ... she knows your every desire
push 7 for Kosh ... never mind, you're not ready
[*]B5 Pizza
People in B5 and their own Pizza delivery slogans.
Minbari: Free delivery to anyone who can prove they have Valen's soul.
We won't stop your delivery for no reason just before reaching your
house. Honest.
Absolutely no chance of hair in your food...
[*]Psalm 23, updated for B5
JMS is my producer; I shall not want.
He maketh me to consider the "Signs and Portents": he leadeth me to
the hole in Sinclair's mind.
[*]Pulp Fiction meets Babylon 5
Morden: What do you want?
Kosh: .*Why the F__K dou you always ask that, A_____E!*.
[*]The Lurker's Guide to Babylon 5
-"Cast of Characters"--Mini-biographies of the most frequent posters
to the group.
-"Synopses"--You say you missed the first 750 posts to the
"Moderation?" thread and don't know how you'll ever catch up? Not to
worry! With our handy synopses of all the major threads, you'll never
have any trouble keeping up with all the flamewars!
[*]The Saban-modified rangers reach Babylon 5
- There are now five different kinds of PPGs. They can be joined
together to form the "MegaPPG"
- For some odd reason, everytime Garabaldi fights something (Which
seems to happen every episode now) he blows on this stupid
Dagger/Flute ...Hmmmm....
[*]B5/Sailor Moon crossover humor
VIR (Centauri male; Centauri Ambassador Mollari's aide): [purple
skirt] I am Ranger Centauri! In the name of the Empire I will right
wrongs and punish evil, and that means YOU! [stops pointing and looks
embarrassed] Sorry, Londo.
[*]Keeping scores on rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
+1 for each _substantive_ post about Babylon 5
+3 for properly spoiler-protected arc speculation
-100 for each JMS post which explicitly, by name, calls you an
"asshole"
-1000 if your initials are FT, TF, DF, or MM and all other attack spoo
[*]Babylon 5 screensaver ideas
- Sinclair's duck as it wanders around the screen, destroying planets
along the way.
- Lennier and Garibaldi on the Ninja, leaving skid marks all over your
windows.
[*]Sex with Shadows
They always ask you what you want.
They always give you what you want.
They're very discreet.
[*]Babylon 5 Shitlists
Zathras: This shit not the One.
Minbari: Follow your heart's shit.
[*]B5 smilies
(==) - Kosh
{ :-) - Minbari
[*]The writing planetside in In The Shadow of Za'Ha'Dum
A bunch of spoilers. Proceed at your own risk
[*]JMS defines spoo!
Spoo is/are (the plural of spoo is spoo) small, white, pasty, mealy
critters, rather worm-like, and generally regarded as the ugliest
animals in the known galaxy by just about every sentient species
capable of starflight, with the possible exception of the pak'ma'ra,
who would simply recommend a more rigorous program of exercise.
[*]Babylon 5 Taglines
"Don't give away the homeworld." - Babylon 5
Bester "That's a lie." Jeff "Yes it is. What's your point?"
[*]Talia's version of the season 3 opener
My vote for the new opening dialog is the _new_ Talia in her best new
haughty/disgusted voice:
The Babylon Project was their last pathetic, feeble attempt at
power...
[*]Parodies of rastb5 threads, Sept '94
Lotsa in-jokes. You probably had to be there.
[*]Babylon 5 Top 10 lists
Top Five Reasons Not To Post Story Ideas To Rec.Arts.Sf.Tv.Babylon5
Top Ten Reasons Why Babylon 4 Is Needed In The Future
Top Ten Reasons to Have Delenn as Your Girlfriend
And many, many more!
[*]Ad for a TurboGinsu
Yes folks, now *YOU* can own your very own TURBO-GINSU
SHADOWCRUISER!(tm)
[*]Universe Today Quotes
From Bill Park, a bunch of quotes:
"Latest Earth fad: Centauri hairstyles -- for Teddy Bears."
_Universe Today_, Fashion and Politics InterSection, p.1.
(Commentary by Mr. Angus, UT's syndicated sociopsychopolitical
hairstyle analyst, available from InterWeb node 3.5.11.13.42.)
[*]Babylon 5 style computer viruses (Note: This is a spoof, and 100%
harmless to PCs)
Babylon 4 Virus: Disappears without a trace 24 hours after activation.
Ivanova Virius II: Does 15 different unpleasant things to your system
before breakfast and hopes it offers resistance.
[*]Jokes and puns on vorlons
How do you approach a Vorlon?
-With Koshian.
What do you call a baby Vorlon?
-a Babylon
[*]Babylon 5 presents the Wizard of Oz
BABYLONIAN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS "THE WIZARD OF OZ"!
STARRING
Ambassador Delenn as Dorothy Gale
[*]A christmas letter from Babylon 5
From "Warren Keffer"... Quite funny.
[*]Zima and Portents
A Zima ad meets Signs & Portents
[*]You know you've been watching too much Babylon 5 when
...your hairstyle matches Londo's.
you ask politics experts wether Al Gore has got the flu already
[*]JMS has fun with a Zima Ad
The very first reference to Narns with Baseball bats...
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