B5HUMOR.TXT - Babylon 5

Babylon 5 Humor

Humor related to the Science Fiction TV show Babylon 5.

[*]'96 Election slogans
     Takashima in '96: She'll send you a fruit basket...
     Vir in '96: Nothing bothers him anymore...

[*]Everything I need to know, I got from Babylon 5
     Don't argue with superior beings.
     Know what you want in case somebody asks.

[*]If B5 was an anime show:
     Now if a stereotypical anime company did Babylon 5
     - Talia Winters would be a space bimbo that sang idol songs in bad
     - Garibaldi would grunt a lot.

[*]Babylon Minus Five cancelled
     Spoof reasons why the R-rated Babylon 5 was cancelled

[*]Centauri Ship designs
     These are the top-of-the-line Centauri war vessels, usually used as
     admiral's flagships. Every deck has its own gourmet restaurant and
     brothel. Even steerage!

[*]Why did the Babylon 5 chicken cross the road?
     Morden: It was what the chicken wanted.
     John Sheridan: The last time a chicken crossed the road, I blew it
     straight to hell!

[*]Speculation on what really happens in Chrysalis
     > then something astonishing happens;
     Kosh is heard to use the word "dude" in a sentence.

[*]Ad for a commander of B5
     From: Chicago Tribune Help Wanted Section, July 21, 2257

     Wanted: Commander for newly completed space station. 3 previous
     stations destroyed by sabotage, 1 disappeared inexplicably in front of
     a transport-load of construction workers.

[*]A mad bomber comes aboard in this Tick(?) parody
     Guard : Well Mr. 'Bomber', your ID checks out. Replacement
     electrician, eh?

     Mr. 'Bomber': Yeah baby, just a parttime electrician. I mean, don't
     cut the red wire, baby! Better red than dead!

[*]B5's Conventional Wisdom (Up/Down/Same) since "Divided Loyalties"
     In airing order, and has spoilers!

[*]Babylon 5 dating guide
     1. Don't tell a Drazi, "That's not your color."
     2. Don't suggest a day trip to the planet below.
     3. Don't offer to open a door unless you're sure it's not an airlock.

[*]Spoof dolls of Babylon 5 Characters
     DELENN. Special amazing new Delenn Transformer, from the same company
     that brought you Optimus Prime and Megatron. Start off bald and with a
     bone, but flick those hinges, fold back those flaps, and hey presto
     she's gone into a chrysalis. Work it some more and - wow! - she's

[*]Babylon 5 meets Dr. Seuss
     A partial list of working titles, plot summaries, and script fragments
     was released by the executors. Some of the titles Geisel was working
     on are:
     "Morden Spears a Spoo"

[*]Babylon 5 Filks
     Old songs, new words. Avoid at all costs! :)

[*]TV Game shows on B5!
     Newcomer: Excuse please, much hurry. I Zathras. Want money. NEED
     money. Great debts. Terrible debts. Zathras no can pay electric
     company. A Great Darkness, Zathras' home. Need much cash. This show,
     Biggest of all Jackpots, I need. Needing, I play. Playing, I win.
     There is no more to telling.

[*]A count of votes in the GREEN! PURPLE! debate on rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
     ......and if I see ONE more entry on "GREEN/PURPLE" cluttering up this
     newsgroup, the offender is going to get a six-thousand-line UUENCODED
     binary of Kermit The Frog singing "IT AIN'T EASY BEING GREEN!" by
     return mail.

[*]Hamlet on B5
     It can be revealed. Something is rotten in grid Epsilon.
     from Act III, Scene IV translated from the original Klingon:

[*]Ivanova's Halloween behavior

[*]How Ivanova and Marcus met Spoof, small spoilers for end season 2 and
season 3
     ANNOUNCER (v.o.) From Earharts, Babylon 5's best club, it's, "Singled
     Out," with your hosts, Tech #1's from 2258 and 2259.

     CORWIN: In the crowd are 50 single guys, or the closest alien
     facsimile to guys! Hey boss, introduce our lucky female contestant!

     Our contestant is the first officer of this station, and a rising star
     in Earth Force. Let's give it up for Commander Susan Ivanova!

[*]Kosh's Karaoke machine
     Lennier opens up with a familiar riff from a mid-to-late 20th century
     rock-n-roll song. The translator starts to fill in the bass guitar and
     drum parts automatically. Various orifices on Kosh's encounter.cgi
     suit sprout Varilights (tm).

[*]Theme to the JMS fan club
     Sung to the Mickey Mouse Club Theme -- 1950's Version
     Male voices chanting: J M S Club, J M S Club, ...
     Chorus: Who's the leader of the club
     That's made for you and me?
     S-T-R A-C-Z Y-N-S-K-I
     J M S, ...

[*]What kind of atmosphere to ask for if kidnapped by aliens
     Useful information no paranoid should be without

[*]The last words of various characters on Babylon 5
     Morden: Please stop waving, Vir. You made your point.
     Kosh:(tweet, flush, crash) "Rosebud." (cough, sputter, gasp)
     Lennier: "Delenn. When I said I would follow you into fire, I was
     speaking figuratively."

[*]Legends of the Fall meets The Fall of Night
     Some spoilers for the season 2 finale.

[*]Babylon 5 inspired License plates
     B5 FAN

[*]Babylon 5 Lightbulbs
     How many _______ does it take to screw in a lightbulb:
     Mimbari:They surender.
     Narn: 2: One to hold the lightbulb and one to look up how Joe'Quan did

[*]Why living ships won't do well in combat (Spoof)
     1. Attitude:
     Captain: Full speed ahead!
     Living Ship (LS): Make me cheese-brain.

[*]What if Babylon 5 was written by Marvel Comics? Warning: Spoilers for
the final 4 of season 2, first episode of season 3
     Sinclair hears of Delenn's bad hair episode through his Ranger
     contacts and is, for a time, driven to drink. But by episode 8
     Sinclair resolves that he must fight the Mandarin's vicious onslaught
     and, with the assistance of a heretofore unknown friend who's big into
     the production of advanced combat armor, one Anthony Stark, returns to
     B5 as the invincible Iron Man.

[*]Spoofing the Minbari 1st Contact protocols
     Minbari Commander: "We are the Peace Police and we'll show our guns to
     everyone we encounter.cgi. If they make an aggressive move, we'll wipe
     'em out. Simple as that. There's no place in this Universe for
     war-like species."

[*]A scene cut from the Season 3 opener, Matters of Honor WARNING:
     Spoilers. Follow link at your own risk.

[*]The Mollari Group
     VIR COTTO (off-camera): From Babylon 5, it's "The Mollari Group," a
     live and unrehearsed program bringing you political insights and
     predictions from the galaxy's most knowledgeable insiders!

     [Cut to recorded sponsor's credit.]

     ANNOUNCER: Interplanetary Expeditions is proud to be a supporter of
     "The Mollari Group." I.E.--we bring good things back to life!

[*]The Morden Utilities
     Adumbrare Software Solutions(tm) announces the Latest release of the
     Morden Utilities for People(tm).

     Built from the ground up using the latest in their patented OLDE(tm)
     technololgy (ominous, licentious double entendre), Morden utilities is
     able to give the POWER USER more flexibility in the way they control
     other's lives.

[*]The B5 movie, recast
     So, just who will star in these forthcoming blockbusters?

     Early reports, from new producer Rick Berman, suggest that we should
     expect the unexpected....

     SINCLAIR: Leslie Nielsen
     IVANOVA: Kathleen Turner
     GARIBALDI: Bruce Willis (cast against type)
     WINTERS: Cybill Shepherd
     FRANKLIN: Denzel Washington
     DELENN: Meryll Streep

[*]Babylon5 & Cinema crossovers
     "Animal Station" B5 is invaded by an alien swarm of drunken college
     students! It's Spring Break 2269, and suddenly Garibaldi is up to his
     ears in fraternity-boy hijinks! Unfortunately for Sheridan, the
     Galactic Conference of Teetotalers are having their annual convention
     on B5 at the same time and if they aren't kept happy, heads will roll!

[*]B5 music
     Today's Question: "What is your favorite piece of classical music from
     G'KAR (Narn ambassador): "It is one of my dreams to conduct a
     performance of Mozart's *The Magic Flute*--especially if I can arrange
     to have the flute in question carved from Ambassador Mollari's femur."

[*]The fate of N'Grath, revealed
     It's not here; go to the link! :)

[*]Season II officepool
     1. The first of the regular characters (those who appear in the
     opening credits) to die will be

[*]If other authors wrote B5...
     -- Talia and Ivanova would already be sleeping together...
     -- this would surprise no one, for everyone else would be sleeping
     together as well... -- did I mention they'd all be related?
     -- Mars rebels would be throwing large chunks of rock at Earth...
     -- every female on the show would possess multiple doctorates...
     -- every female on the show would be pregnant...

[*]If other directors wrote B5...
     What if the arc were written/directed by...
     Stanley Kubrick? - Each episode would be two hours long, and take
     eight years to film.
     - Dialogue? What dialogue?
     - The whole show would be shot using the Steadicam, with lots of slow
     tracking shots, symmetrical compositions, and closeups on mad faces.

[*]The Greater Enemy(Parody by Shane Killian)
     Captain's Log. Stardate: 2259, the year the great war came upon us
     all. Ever since the Enterprise has arrived in our universe, they have
     been unable to use much of their technology. And even as we struggle
     to help them find their way back, we face an incident between them and
     the Narn regime. Two questions are presently bothering me: Will we be
     able to get them back without exacerbating the present situation, and
     why am *I* the one doing the Captain's Log voiceover?

[*]Parody: It came from the Black Space Lagoon (ST/B5 crossover spoof)
     IVANOVA: Is there anything wrong with the pasty-skinned fellow there?
     PICARD: Nothing that a thousand-ton press couldn't fix. He's our
     android. We'll switch him back on momentarily.
     IVANOVA: Android? As in, robot? I never thought I'd live to see a
     robot on Babylon 5, with the way Straczynski talks about them.

[*]The case of Babylon 5 present Peter Pan
     Tinker Bell: Kosh Naranek
     The Lost Boys: Zack Allen, Marcus Cole, Vir Cotto, and Lennier
     Tiger Lily: Na'Toth
     Captain Hook: Londo Mollari
     Smee: Morden
     The Crocodile: Gla'za'mit, the Pak'ma'ra Ambassador

[*]Babylon 5 Pets
     Speculation as to what pet each B5 character would choose
     Commander Jeffrey Sinclair -- English Sheep Dog
     -- Cheshire Cat

[*]B5 Phone sex
     push 1 for Susan ... our sexy S&M mistress
     push 2 for Talia ... she knows your every desire
     push 7 for Kosh ... never mind, you're not ready

[*]B5 Pizza
     People in B5 and their own Pizza delivery slogans.
     Minbari: Free delivery to anyone who can prove they have Valen's soul.

     We won't stop your delivery for no reason just before reaching your
     house. Honest.
     Absolutely no chance of hair in your food...

[*]Psalm 23, updated for B5
     JMS is my producer; I shall not want.
     He maketh me to consider the "Signs and Portents": he leadeth me to
     the hole in Sinclair's mind.

[*]Pulp Fiction meets Babylon 5
     Morden: What do you want?
     Kosh: .*Why the F__K dou you always ask that, A_____E!*.

[*]The Lurker's Guide to Babylon 5
     -"Cast of Characters"--Mini-biographies of the most frequent posters
     to the group.

     -"Synopses"--You say you missed the first 750 posts to the
     "Moderation?" thread and don't know how you'll ever catch up? Not to
     worry! With our handy synopses of all the major threads, you'll never
     have any trouble keeping up with all the flamewars!

[*]The Saban-modified rangers reach Babylon 5
     - There are now five different kinds of PPGs. They can be joined
     together to form the "MegaPPG"
     - For some odd reason, everytime Garabaldi fights something (Which
     seems to happen every episode now) he blows on this stupid
     Dagger/Flute ...Hmmmm....

[*]B5/Sailor Moon crossover humor
     VIR (Centauri male; Centauri Ambassador Mollari's aide): [purple
     skirt] I am Ranger Centauri! In the name of the Empire I will right
     wrongs and punish evil, and that means YOU! [stops pointing and looks
     embarrassed] Sorry, Londo.

[*]Keeping scores on rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
     +1 for each _substantive_ post about Babylon 5
     +3 for properly spoiler-protected arc speculation
     -100 for each JMS post which explicitly, by name, calls you an
     -1000 if your initials are FT, TF, DF, or MM and all other attack spoo

[*]Babylon 5 screensaver ideas
     - Sinclair's duck as it wanders around the screen, destroying planets
     along the way.
     - Lennier and Garibaldi on the Ninja, leaving skid marks all over your

[*]Sex with Shadows
     They always ask you what you want.
     They always give you what you want.
     They're very discreet.

[*]Babylon 5 Shitlists
     Zathras: This shit not the One.
     Minbari: Follow your heart's shit.

[*]B5 smilies
     (==) - Kosh
     { :-) - Minbari

[*]The writing planetside in In The Shadow of Za'Ha'Dum
     A bunch of spoilers. Proceed at your own risk

[*]JMS defines spoo!
     Spoo is/are (the plural of spoo is spoo) small, white, pasty, mealy
     critters, rather worm-like, and generally regarded as the ugliest
     animals in the known galaxy by just about every sentient species
     capable of starflight, with the possible exception of the pak'ma'ra,
     who would simply recommend a more rigorous program of exercise.

[*]Babylon 5 Taglines
     "Don't give away the homeworld." - Babylon 5
     Bester "That's a lie." Jeff "Yes it is. What's your point?"

[*]Talia's version of the season 3 opener
     My vote for the new opening dialog is the _new_ Talia in her best new
     haughty/disgusted voice:

     The Babylon Project was their last pathetic, feeble attempt at

[*]Parodies of rastb5 threads, Sept '94
     Lotsa in-jokes. You probably had to be there.

[*]Babylon 5 Top 10 lists
     Top Five Reasons Not To Post Story Ideas To Rec.Arts.Sf.Tv.Babylon5
     Top Ten Reasons Why Babylon 4 Is Needed In The Future
     Top Ten Reasons to Have Delenn as Your Girlfriend
     And many, many more!

[*]Ad for a TurboGinsu
     Yes folks, now *YOU* can own your very own TURBO-GINSU

[*]Universe Today Quotes
     From Bill Park, a bunch of quotes:
     "Latest Earth fad: Centauri hairstyles -- for Teddy Bears."
     _Universe Today_, Fashion and Politics InterSection, p.1.
     (Commentary by Mr. Angus, UT's syndicated sociopsychopolitical
     hairstyle analyst, available from InterWeb node

[*]Babylon 5 style computer viruses (Note: This is a spoof, and 100%
harmless to PCs)
     Babylon 4 Virus: Disappears without a trace 24 hours after activation.
     Ivanova Virius II: Does 15 different unpleasant things to your system
     before breakfast and hopes it offers resistance.

[*]Jokes and puns on vorlons
     How do you approach a Vorlon?
     -With Koshian.
     What do you call a baby Vorlon?
     -a Babylon

[*]Babylon 5 presents the Wizard of Oz
     Ambassador Delenn as Dorothy Gale

[*]A christmas letter from Babylon 5
     From "Warren Keffer"... Quite funny.

[*]Zima and Portents
     A Zima ad meets Signs & Portents

[*]You know you've been watching too much Babylon 5 when
     ...your hairstyle matches Londo's.
     you ask politics experts wether Al Gore has got the flu already

[*]JMS has fun with a Zima Ad
     The very first reference to Narns with Baseball bats...


This is the 255th access this week, and the 26926th access since January
10th, 1996.

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