B5HUMOR4.TXT - Babylon 5 by other authors


Subject: What if the arc were written by...


        -- Talia and Ivanova would already be sleeping together...
        -- this would surprise no one, for everyone else would be sleeping
           together as well...
        -- did I mention they'd all be related?
        -- Mars rebels would be throwing large chunks of rock at Earth...
        -- every female on the show would possess multiple doctorates...
        -- every female on the show would be pregnant...
        -- Franklin would spend most of his time gene-splicing (see above)...
        -- Garibaldi would spend most of his time arguing with his (sentient)
        -- Sheridan and Sinclair would *both* have discovered that they were
           long-lost by-blows of Lazarus Long...
        -- What other races?  Humanity would have exterminated them long ago!


        -- Kosh would eventually be revealed to be *somehow* in league
           with R. Daneel Olivaw...
        -- the Psi-Corps would have pronouns like "I/We/PsiCorps"...
        -- action scenes?  What action scenes?
        -- the show would be off the air because the creator got bored with
           it; twenty-odd years later, it would continue, bit by bit...
        -- fortunately, the Shadows would be limited by Three Laws; by using
           tricks of logic, as well as trial and error, their threat could
           be alleviated...

        -- Rendezvous with Babylon 5; Garden of Babylon 5; Babylon 5 Revealed;
           need I say more?

        -- the CGI would be even *better*...
        -- everybody would have cybernetic enhancements (the GroPos would have
           had *lots*)...
        -- most of the show would take place on the network which everyone's
           jacked into...
        -- Sheridan would watch cyber-porn of his wife in VR glasses...
        -- a couple guys with VR equipment would attempt to get information
           out of... hey!  Wait a minute!

        -- Jason Ironheart would have ruled the Empire for 1500 years...
        -- Kosh would have been highly praised by said God-Emperor for his
           line, "What is need compared to the The Path?"
        -- the Shadows would have told the Emperor, unless he did as
           instructed, "You will live out your life in a pain amplifier!"

        -- the Narn and Centauri, Earthers and Minbari... heck, even the
           Shadows and the Vorlons, would all get together and be friends in
           the end, when they realized that they really don't have anything
           to fight over, after all...

        -- the whole arc would be played back on a twisted piece of alien
           machinery found in a cave in Antarctica; all the viewers would
           die or vanish mysteriously sometime later, leaving a "foetid

William Shakespeare -

        -- we'd be getting foreshadowing of every major plot turn... hmm...
        -- the clowns would actually turn out to be tragic characters...
        -- it would not be called Babylon 5, would instead be named after a
character who would likely die before the series is done.

William Shatner -
        -- "And    THE   sky...   FULL  OF    stars..."
        -- Sinclair and Sheridan would have a new Lt. Commander to boff
           each week
        -- Bester would have a cheesy Russian accent
        -- tek pushers would be running rampant!
        -- Shatner would _have_ to have a role...

Robert Jordan -
        -- Eight seasons and counting, no end in sight...

Frank Herbert -
        -- The Character that Will Not Die
        -- The station would be a self-contained ecosystem, within which a
           species of giant drug-producing sandworm lives...

David Lynch -
        -- Changes his mind halfway through the arc
        -- Two words: Dancing midget.
        -- Julie Cruise appears every other episode.

God -
        -- It would probably make a lot less sense.

Robert Anton Wilson?

        -- Never mind, as far as I can tell it's already being written
           by Robert Anton Wilson. There is no JMS, it's a clone of
           Weisshaupt...no one is exactly what they seem!

Dave Sim?

        -- Sinclair would have to go into a cocoon back on Minbar and
           emerge as an aardvark, who will lead the EA in a giant spherical
           golden spaceship on a quest to find out what sex the Shadows really

Robert Jordan?

        -- The Shadows are breaking free from their ancient
           prison. The One - sorry, the Dragon Reborn - must come into
           his power to fight it - he who will save the galaxy and
           break it. Delenn would have come out of her prison not as a
           human, but as a werewolf; and Garibaldi would start wearing
           a big hat & gambling a lot.

L. Ron Hubbard

  -secret rogue government organizations
  -lesbians and bisexuals
  -no need for healing machines

Dr. Seuss -

        -- "Babylon 4, back again?  When's it been, Sheridan?  When's
           Delenn been?"
        -- "Sinclair's fair.  But barely there, Sinclair.  Where's
           Sinclair?  Having fun?  The One, having fun?  The One's done
           having fun.  He's arranging strangers into rangers."

e. e. cummings -

        -- it was the dawn of the third age of manunkind ten years after the
           earth minbari war the babylon project was a dream given form its
           goal to prevent another war by providing a place where humans and
           aliens could settle their differences peacefully its a place of
           commerce and diplomacy home away from home for diplomats hustlers
           entrepreneurs and wanderers humans and aliens wrapped in two
           million five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal all alone in
           the night it can be a dangerous place but its our last best hope
           for peace this is the story of the last of the babylon stations
           the year is twenty two fifty eight the name of the place is

           babylon five

                                                        -- e. e. cummings

        -- wait theres a hell of a good universe next door lets go

Steven Spielburg -

        -- all the aliens just want to go home
        -- Babylon 5 located in the heart of a vast jungle, populated
           by ravenous, prehistoric, CGI...  oh, you know the drill...

Philip K. Dick -
        -- Remember the VR in And The Sky Full Of Stars? That was
           actually reality, and Sinclair is living in a virtual
           reality machine manifested within a virtual reality. Or is he?
        -- The main villian would be the Happ-EE Corporation.
        -- Garibaldi would be selling forged Warner Bros. animation
           cels to discriminating Centauri.
        -- Talia Winters is faking her telepathic abilities.
        -- Sheridan would be quite distressed by the divine messages that
           are being projected onto his morning cup of Koffee.
        -- The Vorlon would be obsessed with late 20th century
           television soap operas.
        -- Spoo would have inexplicable hallucinigenic properties.
        -- Londo would suddenly begin to sport a mechanica eye and arm
           for no previously discernable reason.
        -- Morden's last name would be Fremont
        -- The Vorlon, when finally unmasked, would turn out to be
           Richard M. Nixon.

John Woo -
        -- Garibaldi gets to slide along the bar in slow motion
           shooting two PPGs at heavily armed and undertrained
           thugs. Every episode.

Frank Miller-
        -- How many PPG wounds can a human (or an alien for that
           matter) take before finally passing out? Frank will be on
           hand every episode to explore this difficult and
           controversial theme.

Quentin Tarantino-
        -- The seasons come in this order:
                Season Two
                Season Four
                Season Three
                Season Five
                Season One
           ...and somehow, it still makes perfect sense.

Sergio Leone-
        -- A Soul Hunter at one end of the corridor.
           Delenn at the other.
           They face each other.
           The Soul Hunter pulls his jacket aside to reveal the
                holstered remote control to the device he is standing in
                front of- which is starting to glow.
           Delenn looks at him. A triluminary in her pocket.
           Five minutes of incredible music, during which the Soul
                Hunter's eyes narrow, Delenn looks ever more intensely
                back, the machine continues to glow even more, nobody
                moves and the camera continually closes in upon their
           The music reaches a crescendo- quietens-
           In C&C, an explosion is heard.
           The Soul Hunter staggers a few steps forward, his broken
                machine behind him. He tries to holster his remote
                control, and collapses.
           Delenn shows him the triluminary.
           He dies.
           ...The series ends.

Oliver Stone-
        --It's all a conspiracy.
          (hang on... that's how jms writes it...)

Sam Peckinpah:

        -- PPG fights instantly go into slow motion, with plenty of
           spraying blood, vaporized flesh and many closeups on
           agonized faces.  Space battles also go into slow motion,
           with plenty of spraying flame, vaporized hull, and many
           closeups on agonized faces.

John Carpenter:

        -- There would be more to Londo's ducks than it seems; a fog
           would constantly drift around the station; every time
           Sheridan was introduced somebody would say "I heard you
           were dead."  Dr. Franklin would be, in reality, an alien
           creature which has assumed his form.

Ridley Scott:

        -- Every corridor on B5 would be equipped with flashing red
           lights, strobes and steam jets.  Kosh would not speak, but
           would leave small, origami animals at the doors to
           character's rooms. There would be constant close-ups of
           people's eyes.  Fans would forever argue over whether
           Delenn was or was not really Minbari.  The Centauri would
           be Japanese.  The soundtrack would consist of weird,
           distorted Asian music.  B5 would have a lot of fans.

Tim Burton:

        -- Station interiors would be even darker than they are now.
           Danny Devito would be playing Garibaldi.  Delenn would
           emerge from her Chrysalis with a pair of scissors for
           hands. Kosh's encounter suit would have a pumpkin for a
           head.  All ships would be grotesquely misshapen organic
           tech.  The Shadows would by sympathetic.

Steven Speilberg:

        -- Alpha, Delta and Zeta squadrons would consist of ranks of
           precocious child fighter pilots.  Every time a ship died it
           would roll over in slow motion amid a cloud of debries to
           eerie, ominous music.  Sheridan would carry a whip and a
           dusty fedora.  Kosh's encounter suit would open to reveal
           Yakko, Wakko and Dot.  Ivanova would be played by Goldie
           Hawn, and Garibaldi by Dennis Weaver.  We would never see
           Morden's face, but rather just a shot of a pair of dusty
           cowboy boots. The Shadows would turn out to be really
           pissed offed Velociraptors.

Roman Pulanski:

        -- Sheridan and Garibaldi would be having an affair; Kosh
           would be a vampire.  PPG fights would turn into long,
           drawn-out sequences with thousands of shots.  Ivanova and
           Talia would be having an affair, and Dr. Franklin would be
           molesting children on the side.  Londo would turn out to be
           a mafia don.  Lennier would be a necrophiliac, G'Kar a

David Lynch and Frank Herbert:
        -- Kyle MacLachlan would play a central figure called "Coop."
           The character would start out as an innocent PsyCorps
           investigator who ends up as the Nth coming of a religious

Douglas Adams:

        -- The final episode would be titled ``So Long, and Thanks for
           All the Kosh''?

Quentin Tarantino:

        -- Every character would speak in expletives and arcane pop-
           culture references.

Sergio Leone:

        -- Every character would have his/her own Morricone leitmotif.
           For example, Sinclair's would be a haunting melody for soprano,
           organ, harmonica and koto.

John Carpenter:
        -- say "I heard you were dead."  Dr. Franklin would be, in
           reality, an alien creature which has assumed his form.

        -- And everybody would be under the suggestions of subliminal
           messages that a pair of cheap sunglasses would expose.

John Woo:

        -- Garibaldi would be unshaved and carrry two PPG's. Every
           fight would feature him blowing away lots of bad guys with
           the two guns.  These guns never run out of ammo unless the
           trigger is pulled while pointing at a friend/innocent

Jackie Chan:

        -- There would be lots of glass. All fights would have heavy
           martial arts, and alot of breaking glass.

John Ford:

        -- It would be done in black and white, and a big fight would
           happen when Ted Turner attempts to add color to it.

Woody Allen:

        -- It would be canceled after 2 shows.

John Varley:
        Delenn would again have the cleft chin and deep voice she had in the
        premeire.  This would appear and reappear every 4-6 episodes.  Kosh
        would be one giant lung filled with liquid oxygen.  Mars Dome would be
        a simulation of Mars' atmosphere located in Ireland, and eveyone on
        Mars would live in Kinshasa Dome, Cape Cod Dome, or EuroDisney Dome.
        (Come to think of it, nobody would live in EuroDisney Dome.)

Amy Tan:
        Tomita Tamlyn would never have left, and would be commander of the
        station.  Everyone except Sinclair and G'Kar would be Chinese.  Kosh
        would speak even less, but never lose at Mah Jongg.  Delenn would be
        April Cho's (nee Garibaldi) mother.

Susie Bright:
        Ivanova and Winters would have begun their affair long ago, and we
        would be treated to every safe-sex detail.  Garibaldi and Winters
        would have something on the side once or twice a year.  Delenn would
        me a Tantric mother goddess, and noslouch in the sack herself, as
        Ivanova's perpetually frizzed hair would profess.  The remaining ten
        minutes of the show would deal with alien lifestyles and virtual


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