B5HUMOR5.TXT - Babylon 5 by other authors


From: masc1175@rohan.sdsu.edu (Generic Account 1175)

While waiting for my CS320 project to crash again, here's a little
feeble humor in the spirit of the "If other authors wrote B5" list
found at ftp.cco.caltech.edu.

What if the arc were written/directed by...

Joel and Ethan Coen?

- Frances McDormand would be cast as Ivanova.
- M. Emmet Walsh bothering Lennier in the Zocalo--"So Bill's walking down
the highway--that's Bill Parker, by the way--with his sandwich in one hand,
and the f**king _head_ in the other!  Hah hah hah!"
- Did I mention _lots_ of head jokes?
- Morden would first appear to Londo in a dream, would wear two shotguns
strapped to his back, and smoke thin cigars that materialize out of thin
- Lots of floor-level shots of characters' feet.
- The word "Hudsucker" would appear somewhere in every episode.
- Garibaldi would go to great lengths to protect his boss Sheridan,
and get the crap beaten out of him many times in the process.  He'd
also be very concerned about losing his hat.

Stanley Kubrick?

- Each episode would be two hours long, and take eight years to film.
- Dialogue?  What dialogue?
- The whole show would be shot using the Steadicam, with lots of slow
tracking shots, symmetrical compositions, and closeups on mad faces.
- Londo would often go to the Zocalo, drink Milk Plus, and exchange loud,
drunken stories with his favorite bartender, Lloyd.
- Downbelow would be full of gangs dressed up in weird costumes, speaking
Nadsat, and getting ready for a little of the old ultraviolence, real
- Sheridan would drink nothing but grain alcohol and rain-water, and be
convinced that the Shadows, PsiCorps, and NightWatch were conspiring to
fluoridate the water supply.
- Kosh would really be an artificial intelligence, who in the course of
plotting a race-track heist, closets himself in a deserted hotel and slowly
goes mad and kills his drill instructor, in this 18th-century period piece
- The entire arc would end with destruction of Earth in a series of
explosions, while Vera Lynn sings "We'll Meet Again..."


Ernest S. Tomlinson (masc1175@rohan.sdsu.edu) (et@ugcs.caltech.edu)


This is the 14th access this week, and the 162nd access since August 15th,

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