LIFF.TXT - The Meaning of Liff

                              THE MEANING OF LIFF
   AASLEAGH (n.)
   A liqeur made only for drinking at the end of a revoltingly long
   bottle party when all the drinkable drink has been drunk.
   ABERBEEG (vb.)
   Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play
   any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent
   is considered sufficient).
   ABERCRAVE (vb.)
   To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a
   A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing
   being yearned for.
   ABILENE (adj.)
   Descriptive of the pleasing coolness on the reverse side of the
   ABINGER (n.)
   One who washes up everything except the frying pan, the cheese grater
   and the saucepan which the chocolate sauce has been made in.
   ABOYNE (vb.)
   To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that
   none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.
   ACLE (n.)
   The rouge pin which shirtmakers conceal in the most improbable fold of
   a new shirt. Its function is to stab you when you don the garment.
   That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on
   conveyor belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs
   have a special 'quick release' feature which enables the case to flip
   open at this point and fling your underclothes into the conveyor
   belt's gearing mechanism.
   ADRIGOLE (n.)
   The centrepiece of a merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets
   stands unnervingly still.
   AFFCOT (n.)
   The sort of fart you hope people will talk after.
   A puddle which is hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know
   it's there when you step on the paving stone and the puddle shoots up
   your leg.
   A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.
   AHENNY (adj.)
   The way people stand when examining other people's bookshelves.
   AIGBURTH (n.)
   Any piece of readily identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.
   One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the
   English language, even though they had never used the word in any
   context at all until they started complaining that they couldn't use
   it any more.
   One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to
   hear your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning
   forward and saying 'and I'll tell you why I ask...' and then talking
   solidly for the next hour.
   The length of time it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence,
   also, how long we will have to wait for the abolition of income tax or
   the Second Coming.
   AIRD OF SLEAT (n. archaic)
   Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now
   occupided by Heathrow Airport.
   AITH (n.)
   The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.
   A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature,
   but which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked
   formally to identify yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the
   making of graven images, use albuquerques to decorate their towels,
   menu cards and pyjamas.
   ALDCLUNE (n.)
   One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.
   ALLTAMI (n.)
   The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.
   A talk given about the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst
   walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.
   AMERSHAM (n.)
   The sneeze which tickles but never comes. (Thought to derive from the
   Metropolitan Line tube station of the same name where the rails always
   rattle but the train never arrives.)
   AMLWCH (n.)
   A British Rail sandwich which has been kept soft by being regulary
   washed and resealed in clingfilm.
   ARAGLIN (n. archaic)
   A medieval practical joke played by young squires on a knight aspirant
   the afternoon he is due to start his vigil. As the knight arrives at
   the castle the squires attempt to raise the drawbridge very suddenly
   as the knight and his charger step on to it.
   ARDCRONY (n.)
   A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by
   someone tring to impress people.
   Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your
   ARDSCULL (n.)
   Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on
   your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the
   ardscalpsie (q.v.).
   Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are
   A clever architectural construction designed to give the illusion from
   the top deck of a bus that it is far too big for the road.
   AYNHO (vb.)
   Of waiters, never to have a pen.
   Something which justifies having a really good cry.
   The sharp prong on the top of a tree stump where the tree has snapped
   off before being completely sawn through.
   One of the six half-read books lying somewhere in your bed.
   Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which
   is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph
   A lusty and reucous old ballad sung after a particulary spectacular
   araglin (q.v.) has been pulled off.
   A homorous device such as a china horse or smalled naked porcelain
   infant which jocular hosts use of piss water into your Scotch with.
   That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.
   A fitted eleasticated bottom sheet which turns your mattress
   The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his
   armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval
   Flanders, soup made from bealins was a very sligthly sought-after
   The optimum vantage point from which one to view people undressing in
   the bedroom across the street.
   The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemploymed
   guerrilla dentist.
   A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at
   breakfast in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about
   now that the chamber- maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain
   on your botton sheet.
   A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your
   hand resting on under a deks top, under the passenger seat of your car
   or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.
   The sort of man who becomes a returning officer.
   The irrevocable and sturdy fart released in the presence of royalty,
   which sounds quite like a small motorbike passing by (but not enough
   to be confused with one).
   The massive three-course midmorning blow-out enjoyed by a dieter who
   has already done his or her slimming duty by having a teaspoonful of
   cottage cheese for breakfast.
   1. The shape of a gourmet's lips. 2. The droplet of saliva which hangs
   from them.
   A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with
   sticking plaster and pretend you've cut yourself shaveing.
   An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces
   are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.
   Scientific measure of luminosity : 1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans.
   Usherettes' torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans,
   enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people
   or putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.
   A look someone gives you by which you become aware that they're much
   too drunk to have undertood anything you've said to them in the last
   twenty minutes.
   The little slivers of bomboo picked off a cane chair by a nervous
   guest which litter the carpet beneath and tell the chair's owner that
   the whole piece of furniture is about to uncoil terribly and slowly
   until it resembles a giant pencil sharpening.
   The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled
   and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill
   together after a meal.
   One of those brown plastic trays with bumps on, placed upside down in
   boxes of chocolates to make you think you're-getting two layers.
   Of plumbing in old hotels, to make loud and unexplained noises in the
   nigth, particulary at about five o'clock in the morning.
   The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit
   dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away
   boolteens account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.
   1. The man in the pub who slaps people on the back as if they were old
   friends, when in fact he has no friends, largely on account of this
   habit. 2. Any story told by Robert Morley on chat shows.
   A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a
   One who spends all day loafing about near pedestrian crossing looking
   as if he's about to cross.
   The princible by which British roads are signposted.
   The prominent stain on a man's trouser crotch seen on his return from
   the lavatory. A botley proper is caused by an accident with the push
   taps, and should not be confused with any stain caused by insufficient
   waggling of the willy.
   Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect
   to wear on the sides of their noses.
   A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the
   contents of a patient's nostrils prior to a sinus operation.
   A school teacher's old hairy jacket, now severely discoloured by chalk
   dust, ink, egg and the precipitations of uneditying chemical
   One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.
   That part of the toenail which is designed to snag on nylon sheets.
   A perfectly resonable explanation (Such as the one offered by a person
   with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they
   smoke fifty cigarettes a day.)
   A pair of trousers with a career behind them. Broats are most commonly
   seen on elderly retired army officers. Orginally the brats were part
   of their best suit back in the thirties; then in the fifties they were
   demonted and used for gardening. Recently pensions not being what they
   were, the broats have been called out of retirement and reinstated as
   part of the best suit again.
   A bromton is that which is said to have been committed when you are
   convinced you are about to blow off with a resounding trumpeting noise
   in a public place and all that acually slips out is a tiny 'pfpt'.
   Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about
   forty-five tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes
   claiming to be scuplture. 'Oh, come my dear, and come with me. And
   wander 'neath the bromsgrove tree' - Betjeman.
   One who has been working at that same desk in the same office for
   fifteen years and has very much his own ideas about why he is
   continually passed over for promotion.
   The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whisky bottle.
   The single unappetising bun left in a baker's shop after four p.m.
   A nipple clearly defined thorugh flimsy or wet matereal.
   BUDE A polite joke reserved for use in the presence of vicars.
   a virulent red-coloured pus which genereally accompanies clonmult
   (q.v.) and sandberge (q.v.)
   The sound made by a liftful of people all tring to breathe politely
   through their noses.
   The scabs on knees and elbows formed by a compulsion to make love on
   cheap Habitat floor-matting.
   That peculary tuneless humming and whistling adopted by people who are
   extremely angry.
   A seventeenth-century crime by which excrement is thrown into the
   street from a ground-floor window.
   Condition to which yates (q.v.) will suddenly pass without any
   apparent interviewing period, after the spirit of the throckmorton
   (q.v.) has finally been summoned by incressant throcking (q.v.)
   The bluebottle one is too tired to get up and start, but not tired
   enough to sleep thorugh.
   A bunch of keys found in a drawer whose purpose has long been
   forgotten, and which can therefore now be used only for dropping down
   people's backs as a cure for nose-bleeds.
   The pleasureable cool sloosh of puddle water over the toes of your
   The high-pitched and insistent cry of the young female human urging
   one of its peer group to do something dangerous on a cliff-edge or
   piece of toxic waste ground.
   CAIRNPAT (n.)
   A large piece of dried dung found in mountainous terrain above the
   cowline which leads the experienced tracker to believe that hikers
   have recently passed.
   CAMER (n.)
   A mis-tossed caber.
   In any box of After Eight Mints, there is always a large number of
   empty envelopes and no more that four or five actual mints. The
   cannock chase is the process by which, no matter which part of the box
   often, you will always extract most of the empty sachets before
   pinning down an actual minot, or 'cannock'. The cannock chase also
   occurs with people who put their dead matches back in the matchbox,
   and then embarrass themselves at parties trying to light cigarettes
   with tree quarters of an inch of charcoal. The term is also used to
   describe futile attempts to pursue unscrupulous advertising agencies
   who nick your ideas to sell chocolates with.
   CHENIES (pl.n.)
   The last few sprigs or tassles of last Christmas's decoration you
   notice on the ceiling while lying on the sofa on an August afternoon.
   CHICAGO (n.)
   The foul-smelling wind which precedes an underground railway train.
   The discust and embarrassment (or 'ongar') felt by an observer in the
   presence of a person festooned with kirbies (q.v.) when they don't
   know them well enough to tell them to wipe them off, invariably this
   'ongar' is accompanied by an involuntary staccato twitching of the leg
   (or 'chipping')
   CLABBY (adj.)
   A 'clabby' conversation is one stuck up by a commissionare or cleaning
   lady in order to avoid any futher actual work. The opening gambit is
   usually designed to provoke the maximum confusion, and therefore the
   longest possible clabby conversation. It is vitaly important to learn
   the correct, or 'clixby' (q.v.), responses to a clabby gambit, and not
   to get trapped by a 'ditherington' (q.v.). For instance, if confronted
   with a clabby gambit such as 'Oh, mr Smith, I didn't know you'd had
   your leg off', the ditherington response is 'I haven't....' whereas
   the clixby is 'good.'
   Technical BBC term for a page of dialogue from Blake's Seven.
   The sound made by knocking over an elephant's-foot umbrella stand full
   of walking sticks. Hence name for a particular kind of disco drum
   CLATHY (adj.)
   Nervously indecisive about how safely to dispost of a dud lightbulb.
   CLENCHWARTON (n. archaic)
   One who assists an exorcist by squeezing whichever part of the
   possessed the exorcist deems useful.
   CLIXBY (adj.)
   Politely rude. Bliskly vague. Firmly uninformative.
   CLONMULT (n.)
   A yellow ooze usually found near secretionns of buldoo (q.v.) and
   sadberge (q.v.)
   CLOVIS (q.v.)
   One who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations
   in the office.
   CLUN (n.)
   A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you.
   CLUNES (pl.n.)
   People who just won't go.
   CONDOVER (n.)
   One who is employed to stand about all day browsing through the
   magazine racks in the newsagent.
   CONG (n.)
   Stange-shaped metal utensil found at the back of the saucepan
   cupboard. Many authorities believe that congs provide conclusive proof
   of the existence of a now extinct form of yellow vegetable which the
   Victorians used to boil mercilessly.
   CORFE (n.)
   An object which is almost totally indistinguishable from a newspaper,
   the one crucial difference being tat it belongs to somebody else and
   is unaccountably much more interesting that your own - which may
   otherwice appear to be in all respects identical. Though it is a rule
   of life that a train or other public place may contain any number of
   corfes but only one newspaper, it is quite possible to transform your
   own perfectly ordinary newspaper into a corfe by the simple expedient
   of letting somebody else read it.
   CORFU (n.)
   The dullest person you met during the course of your holiday. Also the
   only one who failed to understand that the exchanging of addresses at
   the end of a holiday is merely a social ritual and is absolutly not an
   invitation to phone you up and turn up unannounced on your doorstep
   three months later.
   The moment at which two people approaching from opposite ends of a
   long passageway, recognice each other and immediately pretend they
   haven't. This is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to
   continue recognising each other the whole length of the corridor.
   To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually
   employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which
   both protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence
   that they haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their
   feet, grimacing into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if
   in a mood of deep irritation.
   The crucial moment of false recognition in a long passageway encouter.
   Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is
   approaching, they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now
   look up with a glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the
   firt time, (and are particulary delighted to have done so) shouting
   out 'Haaaaaallllloooo!' as if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all
   people! Will I never. Coo. Stap me vitals, etc.'
   The dreadful sinking sensation in a long passageway encounter when
   both protagonists immediately realise they have plumped for the
   corriedoo (q.v.) mutch too early as they are still a good thirty yards
   apart. They were embarrased by the pretence of corriecravie (q.v.) and
   decided to make use of the corriedoo because they felt silly. This was
   a mistake as corrievorrie (q.v.) will make them seem far sillier.
   Corridor etiquette demans that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been
   declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now
   embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving,
   grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling
   the head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as
   the smile drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass
   each other.
   Word describing the kind of person who can make a complete mess of a
   simple job like walking down a corridor.
   A very short peremptory service held in monasteries prior to teatime
   to offer thanks for the benediction of digestive biscuits.
   A piece of wood used to stir paint and thereafter stored uselessly in
   a shed in perpetuity.
   CRAIL (n. mineral)
   Crail is a common kind of rock or gravel found widely across the
   British Isles. Each individual stone (due to an as yet undiscovered
   gravtitaional property) is charged with 'negative buoyancy'. This
   means that no matter how much crail you remove from the garden, more
   of it will rise to the surface. Crail is much employed by the Royal
   Navy for making the paperweights and ashtrays used inside submarines.
   A mood of irrational irritation with everyone and everything.
   CROMARTY (n.)
   The brittle sludge which clings to the top of ketchup bottles and
   plastic tomatoes in nasty cafes.
   A large wooden or rubber cub which poachers use to despatch cats or
   other game which they can only sell to Indian resturants. For
   particulary small cats the price obtainable is not worth the cost of
   expending ammunition.
   Dalarymples are the things you pay extra for on pieces of hand-made
   crarftwork - the rough edges, the paint smudges and the holes in the
   A certain facial expression which actors are required to demonstrate
   their mastery of before they are allowed to play Macbeth.
   DARENTH (n.)
   Measure = 0.0000176 mg. Defined as that amount of margarine capable of
   covering one hounred slices of bread to the depth of one molecule.
   This is the legal maximum allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.
   DEAL (n.)
   The gummy substance found between damp toes.
   What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops
   waiting for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the
   chimney, they can rip stuff off from his sleigh.
   DES MOINES (pl.n.)
   The two little lines which come down from your nose.
   DETCHANT (n.)
   That part of a hymn (usually a few notes at the end of a verse) where
   the tune goes so high or low that you suddenly have to change octaves
   to accommodate it.
   DETCHANT (n.)
   (Of the hands or feet.) Preunelike after an overlong bath.
   DIDCOT (n.)
   The tiny oddly-shaped bit of card which a ticket inspector cuts out of
   a ticket with his clipper for no apparent reason. It is a little-known
   fact that the confetti at Princess Margaret's wedding was made up of
   thousands of didcots collected by inspectors on the Royal Train.
   DIDLING (participal vb.)
   The process of tring to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit,
   and trying to keep your options open so that when you find out you can
   allow yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all
   DILLYTOP (n.)
   The kind of bath plug which for some unaccountable reason is actually
   designed to sit on top of the hole rather than fit into it.
   DIBBLE (vb.)
   To try to remove a sticky something from one hand with the other, thus
   causeing it to get stuck to the other hand and eventually to anything
   else you try to remove it with.
   Sudden access to panic experienced by one who realises that he is
   being drawn inexorably into a clabby (q.v.) conversion, i.e. one he
   has no hope of enjoying, benefiting from or understanding.
   Any music you hear on the radio to which you have to listen very
   carefully to determine whether it is an advertising jingle or a bona
   fide record.
   DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
   The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off
   crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
   DOBWALLS (pl.n.)
   The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off
   crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.
   DOCKERY (n.)
   Facetious behaviour adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief
   that this will endear him to the judge.
   DOGDYKE (vb.)
   Of dog-owners, to adopt the absurd pretence that the animal shitting
   in the gutter is nothing to do with them.
   The clump, or cluster, of bored, quietly enraged, mildly embarrassed
   men waiting for their wives to come out of a changing room in a dress
   A throaty cough by someone else so timed as to obscure the crucial
   part of the rather amusing remark you've just made.
   DORRIDGE (n.)
   Technical term for one of the lame excuses written in very small print
   on the side of packets of food or washing powder to explain why
   there's hardly anything inside. Examples include 'Contents may have
   settled in transit' and 'To keep each biscuit fresh they have been
   individually wrapped in silver paper and cellophane and separated with
   courrugated lining, a carboard flap, and heavy industrial tyres'.
   DRAFFAN (n.)
   An infuriating person who always manages to look much more dashing
   that anyone else by turning up unshaven and hungover at a formal
   DREBLEY (n.)
   Name for a shop which is supposed to be witty but is in fact
   wearisome, e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair Apparent', etc.
   A street dance. The two partners approach from opposite directions and
   try politely to get out of each other's way. They step to the left,
   step to the right, apologise, step to the left again, apologise again,
   bump into each other and repeat as often as unnecessary.
   DUBUQUE (n.)
   A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing
   the wrong sort of shoes.
   DUDOO (n.)
   The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.
   DUGGLEBY (n.)
   The person in front of you in the supermarket queue who has just
   unloaded a bulging trolley on to the conveyor belt and is now in the
   process of trying to work out which pocket they left their cheque book
   in, and indeed which pair of trousers.
   DULEEK (n.)
   Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off,
   that it should have gone off an hour ago.
   DULUTH (adj.)
   The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.
   DUNBAR (n.) A highly specialised fiscal term used solely by trunstile
   operatives at Regnet's Part zoo. It refers to the variable amount of
   increase in the variable gate takings on a Sunday afternoon, caused by
   persons going to the zoo because they are in love and believe that the
   feeling of romace will be somehow enhanced by the smell of panther
   sweat and rank incontinence in the reptile house.
   DUNBOYNE (n.)
   The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently
   watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be
   The name of Charles Bronson's retirement cottage.
   The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded
   supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.
   DUNTISH (adj.)
   Mentally incapacitated by severe hangover.
   The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get
   away from.
   The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed
   against the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the
   bus has broken down. No one knows how this charming old custon
   orginated or how long it will continue.
   ELY (n.)
   The first, tiniest inkling you get that something, somewhere, has gone
   teribly wrong.
   EMSWORTH (n.)
   Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the
   doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.
   EPPING (participial vb.)
   The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to
   attract the attention of waiters and barmen.
   EPSOM (n.)
   An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name
   and address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea
   what it's doing there.
   EPWORTH (n.)
   The preciese value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a
   little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film
   Gone with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't
   give an epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds
   that it might not be understood in Cleveland.
   ERIBOLL (n.)
   A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on
   welsh rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which
   led, indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like
   welsh rarebit very much.
   ESHER (n.)
   One of those push tapes installed in public washrooms enabling the
   user to wash their trousers without actually getting into the basin.
   The most powerful esher of recent years was 'damped down' by Red Adair
   after an incredible sixty-eight days' fight in Manchester's Piccadilly
   The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm
   EWELME (n.)
   The smile bestowed on you by an air hostess.
   EXETER (n.)
   All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital
   components plus at least one exeter. If you've just mended a fuse,
   changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the exeter is the small, flat or
   round plastic or bakelite piece left over which means you have to undo
   everything and start all over again.
   FAIRYMOUNT (vb.n.)
   Polite word for buggery.
   FARDUCKMANTON (n. archaic)
   An ancient edict, mysteriously omitted from the Domesday Book,
   requiring that the feeding of fowl on village ponds should be carried
   out equitably.
   FARNHAM (n.)
   The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you
   haven't got enough done.
   A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.
   FEAKLE (vb.) To make facial expressions similar to those that old
   gentlemen make to young girls in the playground.
   FINUGE (vb.)
   In any divisjon of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give
   yourself the extra slice left over.
   FIUNARY (n.)
   The safe place you put something and then forget where it was.
   FLIMBY (n.)
   One of those irritating handle-less slippery translucent plastic bags
   you get in supermarkets which, no matter how you hold them, always
   contrive to let something fall out.
   FLODIGARRY (n. Scots)
   An ankle-length gaberdine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea
   herring fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.
   FOINDLE (vb.)
   To queue-jump very discretly by working one's way up the line without
   being spotted doing so.
   FORSINAIN (n. archaic)
   The right of the lord of the manor to molest dwarves on their
   FOVANT (n.)
   A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which
   purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the
   FRADDAM (n.)
   The small awkward-shaped piece of cheese which remains after grating a
   large regular-shaped piece of cheese and enables you to cut your
   A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can
   ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing
   anyone. Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to
   business premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of
   regular routine at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned
   off til 9.20 a.m. on Monday morning.
   FRANT (n.)
   Measure. The legal minimum distance between two trains on the District
   and Circle line of the London Underground. A frant, which must be not
   less than 122 chains (or 8 leagues) long, is not connected in any way
   with the adjective 'frantic' which comes to us by a completely
   different route (as indeed do the trains).
   The shade of green which is supposed to make you feel comfortable in
   hospitals, industrious in schools and uneasy in police stations.
   FRIMLEY (n.)
   Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate
   prelude to dropping down an open manhole.
   FRING (n.)
   The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.
   Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep
   concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone
   else doesn't think you've a complete moron.
   FROSSES (pl.n.)
   The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party
   given by someone's parents.
   FULKING (participial vb.)
   Pretendig not to be in when the carol-singers come round.
   GALASHIELS (pl.n.)
   A form of particulary long sparse sideburns which are part of the
   mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.
   GALLIPOLI (adj.)
   Of the behaviour of a bottom lip trying to spit mouthwash after an
   injection at the dentist. Hence, loose, floppy, useless. 'She went
   suddenly Gallipoli in his arms' - Noel Coward.
   GANGES (n. rare : colonial Indian)
   Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known
   fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his
   GASTARD (n.)
   Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order
   to distinguish it from soneone who merely carves you up on the
   motorway, etc.)
   GILDERSOME (adj.) Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts
   well, but which becomes so embellished in the telling that you start
   to weary of it after scarely half an hour.
   GIPPING (participial vb.)
   The fish-like opening and closing of the jaws seen amongst people who
   have recently been to the dentist and are puzzled as to whether their
   teeth have been put back the right way up.
   GLASGOW (n.)
   The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a
   place filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.
   GLASSEL (n.)
   A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which
   is now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing
   their suitcases with after the holiday.
   GLAZELEY (adj.)
   The state of a barrister's flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all
   The kind of guilt which you'd completely forgotten about which comes
   roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.
   A particular kind of tartan hold-all, made exclusive under licence for
   British Airways. When waiting to collect your luggage from an airport
   conveyour belt, you will notice that on the next consingle, solitary
   bag going round and round uncollected. This is a glentaggart, which
   has been placed there by the baggage-handling staff to take your mind
   off the fact that your own luggage will shortly be landing in
   GLENTIES (pl.n.)
   Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical
   error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to
   wholehearted agreement.
   GLENWHILLY (n. Scots)
   A small tartan pouch worn beneath the kilt during the thistle-harvest.
   GLINSK (n.)
   A hat which politicans but to go to Russia in.
   GLORORUM (n.)
   One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel
   GLOSSOP (n.)
   A rouge blob of food. Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and
   highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface
   of your host's highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this
   has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage
   (q.v.) may be employed.
   The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted.
   Some Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full
   glutt lodge, hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.
   Someone who stops Jon Cleese on the street and demands that he does a
   funny walk.
   Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the
   wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.
   GOLANT (adj.)
   Blank, sly and faintly embarrasssed. Pertaining to the expression seen
   on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.
   GOOLE (n.)
   The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.
   GOOSECRUIVES (pl. n. archaic)
   A parit of wooden trousers worn by poultry-keepers in the Middle Ages.
   Something left over from preparing or eating a meal, which you store
   in the fridge despite the fact that you know full well you will never
   ever use it.
   A fat book containing four words and six cartoons which cost ú6.95.
   GREAT WAKERING (participal vb.)
   Panic which sets in when you badly need to go to the lavatory and
   cannot make up your mind about what book or magazine to take with you.
   GREELEY (n.)
   Someone who continually annoys you by continually apologising for
   annoying you.
   GRETNA GREEN (adj.)
   A shade of green which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a
   GRIMMET (n.)
   A small bush from which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a
   GRIMSBY (n.)
   A lump of something gristly and foultasting concealed in a mouthful of
   stew or pie. Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless
   cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by
   Freemasons. Grimbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable
   Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag. One is then
   placed correct masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not
   a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the
   obnoxious object. It may be (a) manfully swallowed, invariably
   bringing tears to the eyes. (b) chewed with resolution for up to
   twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a) (c) choked on
   fatally. The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason
   incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand.
   The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows :
   remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left
   hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the
   grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic
   The state of a lady's clothing after she has been to powder her nose
   and has hitched up her tights over her skirt at the back, thus
   exposing her bottom, and has walked out without noticing it.
   GUERNSEY (adj.)
   Queasy but umbowed. The kind of feeling one gets when discovering a
   plastic compartment in a fridge in which thing are growing.
   GWEEK (n.)
   A coat hanger recycled as a car aerial.
   HADZOR (n.)
   A sharp instument placed in the washing-up bowl which makes it easier
   to cut yourself.
   HAGNABY (n.)
   Someone who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in
   your bed the next morning.
   HALCRO (n.)
   An adhesive fibrous cloth used to hold babies' clothes together.
   Thousands of tiny pieces of jam 'hook' on to thousands of tiny-pieces
   of dribble, enabling the cloth to become 'sticky'.
   HALIFAX (n.)
   The green synthetic astroturf on which greengrocers display their
   The sound of a single-engined aircraft flying by, heard whilst lying
   in a summer field in England, which somehow concentrates the silence
   and sense of space and timelessness and leaves one with a profound
   feeling of something or other.
   HAPPLE (vb.)
   To annoy people by finishing their sentences for them and then telling
   them what they really meant to say.
   To manoeuvre a double mattress down a winding staircase.
   A particular kind of fly which lives inside double glazing.
   The coda to a phone conversion, consisting of about eight exchanges,
   by which people try gracefully to get off the line.
   A mechanical device for cleaning combs invented during the industrial
   revoulution at the same time as Arkwright's Spinning Jenny, but which
   didn't catch on in the same way.
   HASSOP (n.)
   The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling
   bits and pieces of Lego.
   HASTINGS (pl.n.)
   Things sain on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes
   into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.
   The tiny snippets of beard which coat the inside of a washbasin after
   shaving in it.
   HAUGHAM (n.)
   One who loudly informs other diners in a resturant what kind of man he
   is by calling for the chef by his christian name from the lobby.
   HAXBY (n.)
   Any garden implement found in a potating shed whose exact purpose is
   HEATON PUNCHARDON (n.) A violent argument which breaks out in the car
   on the way home from a party between a couple who have had to be
   polite to each other in company all evening.
   The dried yellow substance found between the prongs of forks in
   The correct name for the gold medallion worn by someone who is in the
   habit of wearing their shirt open to the waist.
   HEVER (n.)
   The panic caused by half-hearing Tannoy in an airport.
   HIBBING (n.)
   The marks left on the outside breast pocket of a storekeeper's overall
   where he has put away his pen and missed.
   HICKLING (participial vb.)
   The practice of infuriating teatregoers by not only arriving late to a
   centre-row seat, but also loudly apologising to and patting each
   member of the audience in turn.
   To be caught in a hidcote bartram is to say a series of protracted and
   final goodbytes to a group of people, leave the house and then realise
   you've left your hat behind.
   The topmost tread of a staircase which disappers when you've climbing
   the stairs in the darkness.
   Gossnargh (q.v.) three weeks later.
   The awkward leaping manoeuvre a girl has to go throught in bed in
   order to make him sleep on the wet patch.
   An 'injured' footballer's limb back into the game which draws applause
   but doesn't fool anybody.
   HODNET (n.)
   The woodn safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building
   under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal
   risk) can drop pieces of cement on passers-by.
   HOFF (vb.)
   To deny indignantly something which is palpably true.
   The action of overshaking a pair of dice in a cup in the mistaken
   belief that this will affect the eventual outcome in your favour and
   not irritate everyone else.
   The combination of little helpful grunts, nodding movements of the
   head, considerate smiles, upward frowns and serious pauses that a
   group of people join in making in trying to elicit the next
   pronouncement of somebody with a dreadful stutter.
   HOVE (adj.)
   Descriptive of the expression seen onthe face of one person in the
   presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very
   long time.
   HOYLAKE (n.)
   The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible and discusting
   lump of meat - eaten to give the impression that the person is 'just
   not very hungry, but mmm this is delicious'. Cf. Peaslake - a similar
   experience had by vegetarians.
   HUBY (n.)
   A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in
   the trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.
   HUCKNALL (vb.)
   To crouch upwards: as in the movement of a seated person's feet and
   legs made in order to allow a cleaner's hoover to pass beneath them.
   HULL (adj.)
   Descriptive of the smell of a weekend cottage.
   HUMBER (vb.)
   To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a
   cattle grid.
   HUMBY (n.)
   An erection which won't go down when a gentleman has to go for a pee
   in the middle of making love to someone.
   HUNA (n.)
   The result of coming to the worng decision.
   Medieval ceremonial brass horn with which the successful execution of
   an araglin (q.v.) is trumpeted from the castle battlements.
   HUTLERBURN (n.archaic)
   A brun sustained as a result of the behaviour of a clumsy hutler. (The
   precise duties of hutlers are noe lost in the mists of history.)
   HUTTOFT (n.)
   The fibrous algae which grows in the dark, moist environment of
   trouser turn-ups.
   IBSTOCK (n.)
   Anything used to make a noise on a corrugated iron wall or
   clinker-built fence by dragging it along the surface while walking
   past it. 'Mr Bennett thoughtfully selected a stout ibstock and left
   the house.' - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, II.
   IPING (participial vb.)
   The increasingly anxious shifting from leg to leg you go through when
   you are desperate to go to the lavatory and the person you are talking
   to keeps on remembering a few final things he want to mention.
   IPSWICH (n.)
   The sound at the other end of the telephone which tells you that the
   automatic exchange is working very hard but is intending not actually
   to connect you this time, merely to let you know how difficult it is.
   JARROW (adj.)
   An agrucultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the
   farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.
   JAWCRAIG (n. medical)
   A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really
   astounding piece of news. A mysterious attack of jawcraig affected
   40,000 sheep in Whales in 1952.
   JURBY (n.)
   A loose wollen garment reaching to the knees and with three or more
   armholes, knitted by the wearer's well- meaning but incompetent aunt.
   KALAMI (n.)
   The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.
   KANTURK (n.)
   An extremly intricate knot orginally used for belaying the topgallant
   foresheets of a gaff-rigged China clipper, and now more commonly
   observed when trying to gen an old kite out of the cupboard under the
   KEELE (adj.)
   The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.
   KELLING (participial vb.)
   A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of
   re-looking i all the places they have looked once already, is said to
   be kelling.
   KENT (adj.)
   Politely determined not to help despite a violent urge to the
   contrary. Kent expressions are seen on the faces of people who are
   good at something watching someone else who can't do it at all.
   KENTUCKEY (adv.)
   Fitting exactly and satisfyingly. The cardboard box that slides neatly
   into an exact space in a garage, or the last book which exactly fills
   a bookshelf, is said to fit 'real nice and kentuckey'.
   KERRY (n.)
   The small twist of skin which separated each sausage on a string.
   KETTERING (n.) The marks left on your bottom or thighs after
   sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.
   KETTLENESS (adj.)
   The quality of not being able to pee while being watched.
   The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in
   a shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least
   one idiot will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a
   pair of shoes priced at ú19.99 is 1p.
   The light breeze which blows through your armpit hair when you are
   stretched out sunbathing.
   A forty-year-old sixteen-stone man trying to commit suicide by
   KIRBY (n.)
   Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's
   face or clothing. See also CHIPPING ONGAR.
   One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's
   face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other
   permanent fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.
   KITMURVY (n.)
   Man who owns all the latest sporting gadgetry and clothing (gold
   trolley, tee cosies, ventilated shoes, Gary Player- autographed
   tracksuit top, American navy cap, mirror sunglasses) but is still only
   on his second gold lesson.
   KNOPTOFT (n.)
   The mysterious fluff placed in your pockets by dry-cleaning firms.
   Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp
   increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told,
   'Sorry, wrong number.'
   LAMLASH (n.)
   The folder on hotel dressing-tables full of astoundingly dull
   Motorists' name for the kind of pedestrian who stands beside a main
   road and waves onthe traffic, as if it's their right of way.
   LE TOUQUET (n.)
   A mere nothing, an unconsidered trifle, a negligible amount. Un
   touquet is often defined as the difference between the cost of a
   bottle of gin bought in an off-licence and one bought in a duty-free
   LIFF (n.)
   A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For
   instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This
   book will change your life'.
   LIMERIGG (vb.)
   To jar one's leg as the result of the disapperarance of a stair which
   isn't there in the darkness.
   Descriptive of the pleasant smell of an empty biscuit tin.
   LISTOWEL (n.)
   The small mat onthe bar designed to be more absorbent than the bar,
   but not as absorbent as your elbows.
   The member of any class who most inclines a teacher towards the view
   that capital punishment should be introduced in schools.
   LLANELLI (adj.)
   Descriptive of the waggling movement of a person's hands when shaking
   water from them or warming up for a piece of workshop theatre.
   The long unaccomplished wail in the middle of a Scottish folk song
   where the pipes nip around the corner for a couple of drinks.
   A droplet which persists in running out of your nose.
   One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant
   handlebar moustache.
   LOUTH (n.)
   The sort of man who wears loud check jackets, has a personalised
   tankard behind the bar and always gets served before you do.
   Seductive remark made hopefully in the back of a taxi.
   A quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is building a new kind of
   atomic bomb in his garden shed.
   Common solution to the problems of a humby (q.v.)
   (a) The balls of wool which collect on nice new sweaters. (b) The
   correct name for 'navel fluff'.
   LOWTHER (vb.)
   (Of a large group of people who have been to the cinema together.) To
   stand aimlessly about on the pavement and argue about whetever to go
   and eat either a Chinese meal nearby or an Indian meal at a resturant
   which somebody says is very good but isn't certain where it is, or
   have a drink and think about it, or just go home, or have a Chinese
   meal nearby - until by the time agreement is reached everything is
   LUBCROY (n.)
   The telltale little lump in the top of your swimming trunks which
   tells you you are going to have to spend half an hour with a safety
   pin trying to pull the drawstring out again.
   LUDLOW (n.)
   A wad of newspaper, folded tablenapkin or lump of carboard put under a
   wobbly table or chair to make it standup straight. It is perhaps not
   widely known that air-ace Sir Douglas Bader used to get about on an
   enormous pair of ludlows before he had his artificial legs fitted.
   Feeling you get when the pubs aren't going to be open for another
   fortyfive minutes and the luffness in begining to wear a bit thin.
   LUFFNESS (n.)
   Hearty feelingthat comes from walking on the moors with gumboots and
   cold ears.
   LULWORTH (n.)
   Measure of conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length,
   loudness and embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else
   in the room unaccountly stops talking at the same time.
   LUPPITT (n.)
   The piece of leather which hangs off the bottom of your shoe before
   you can be bothered to get it mended.
   LUSBY (n.)
   The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too
   small for the lady inside it.
   LUTON (n.)
   The horseshoe-shaped rug which goes around a lavatory seat.
   LYBSTER (n., vb.)
   The artificail chuckle in the voice-over at the end of a supposedly
   funny television commercial.
   The opposite of a mavis enderby (q.v.) An unrequited early love of
   your life who still causes terrible pangs though she inexplicably
   married a telephone engineer.
   MAARUIG (n.)
   The inexpressible horror experienced on walking up in the morning and
   remembering that you are Andy Stewart.
   MAENTWROG (n. Welsh)
   The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the heigh to which you
   have rolled up your trousers.
   MALIBU (n.)
   The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the height to which you
   have rolled up your trousers.
   MANKINHOLES (pl.n.)
   The small holes in a loaf of bread which give rise to the momentary
   suspicion that something may have made its home within.
   A hideous piece of chipboard veneer furniture bought in a suburban
   highstreet furniture store and designed to hold exactly a year's
   supply of Sunday colour supplements.
   MARGATE (n.)
   A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every
   day and is on cheerful Christian-name terms with you, then one day
   refuses to let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.
   MARKET DEEPING (participial vb.)
   Stealing one piece of fruit from a street fruit-and- vegetable stall.
   MARLOW (n.)
   The bottom drawer in the kitchen your mother keeps her paper bags in.
   MARYTAVY (n.)
   A person to whom, under dire injuctions of silence, you tell a secret
   which you wish to be fare more widely known.
   Those items and particles which people who, after blowing their noses,
   are searching for when they look into their hankies.
   (Of nackties.) Any colour which Nigel Rees rejects as unsuitable for
   his trousers or jacket.
   The almost-completely-forgotten girlfriend from your distant past for
   whom your wife has a completely irrational jealousy and hatred.
   MEATH (adj.)
   Warm and very slightly clammy. Descriptive of the texture of your
   hands after the automatic drying machine has turned itself off, just
   damp enough to make it embarrassing if you have to shake hands with
   someone immediately afterwards.
   MEATHOP (n.)
   One who sets off for the scene of an aircraft crash with a picnic
   MEETH (n.)
   Something which American doctors will shortly tell us we are all
   suffering from.
   The name of the style of decoration used in cocktail lounges in mock
   Tudor hotels in Surrey.
   The ghastly sound made by traditional folksingers.
   A patent anti-wrinkle cream which policemen wear to keep themselves
   looking young.
   MEMPHIS (n.)
   The little bits of yellow fluff which get trapped in the hinge of the
   windscreen wipers after polishing the car with a new duster.
   The melodious whistling, chanting and humming tone of the milwaukee
   can be heard whenever a public lavatory is entered. It is the way the
   occupants of the cubicles have of telling you there's no lock on their
   door and you can't come in.
   The expression on a man's face when he has just zipped up his trousers
   without due care and attention.
   MOFFAT (n.tailoring term)
   That part of your coat which is designed to be sat on by the person
   next of you on the bus.
   MOLESBY (n.)
   The kind of family that drives to the seaside and then sits in the car
   with all the windows closed, reading the Sunday Express and wearing
   sidcups (q.v.)
   MONKS TOFT (n.)
   The bundle of hair which is left after a monk has been tonsured, which
   he keeps tired up with a rubber band and uses for chasing ants away.
   MOTSPUR (n.)
   The fourth wheel of a supermarket trolley which looks identical to the
   other tree but renders the trolley completely uncontrollable.
   MO I RANA Imagine beeing on a vacation, and it's raining all the time,
   you are driving and the kids are making you a nervous wreck. Well you
   are defenitive in Mo i Rana.
   MUGEARY (n.medical)
   The substance from which the unpleasant little yellow globules in the
   corners of a sleepy person's eyes are made.
   MUNDERFIELD (n.) A meadow selected, whilst driving past, as being
   ideal for a picnic which, from a sitting position, turns out to be
   full of stubble, dust and cowpats, and almost impossible to enjoy
   yourself in.
   NAAS (n.)
   The windmaking region of Albania where most of the wine that people
   take to bottle-parties comes from.
   NACTION (n.)
   The 'n' with which cheap advertising copywriters replace the word
   'and' (as in 'fish 'n' chips', 'mix 'n' match', 'assault 'n'
   battery'), in the mistaken belief that this is in some way chummy or
   NAD (n.)
   Measure defined as the distance between a driver's oustretched
   fingertips and the ticket machine in an automatic car-park. 1 nad =
   18.4 cm.
   NANHORON (n.medical)
   A tiny valve concealed in the inner ear which enables a deaf
   granmother to converse quite normally when she feels like it, but
   which excludes completely anything that sounds like a request to help
   with laying the table.
   NANTWICH (n.)
   A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists
   of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest
   things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham,
   inventedthe nantwich to avoid having to go shopping.
   NAPLES (pl.n.)
   The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.
   NASEBY (n.)
   The stout metal instument used for clipping labels on to exhibits at
   flower shows.
   A plastic sachet containing shampoo, polyfilla, etc., which is
   impossible to open except by off the corners.
   NAZEING (participial vb.)
   The rather unconvincing noices of pretended interest which an adult
   has to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a
   NEEN SOLLARS (pl.n.)
   Any ensemble of especially unflattering and perticular garments worn
   by a woman which tell you that she is right at the forefront of
   The feeling experienced when driving off for the frist time on a brand
   new motorbike.
   A pair of P.J.Proby's trousers.
   NOTTAGE (n.)
   Nottage is the collective name for things which you find a use for
   immediately after you've thrown them away. For instance, your
   greenhouse has been cluttered up for years with a huge piece of
   cardboard and great fronds of gardening string. You at last decide to
   clear all this stuff out, and you burn it. Within twenty-four hours
   you will urgently need to wrap a large parcel, and suddenly remember
   that luckily in your greenhouse there is some carb...
   NUBBOCK (n.)
   The kind of person who has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy
   In a choice between two or more possible puddings, the one nobody
   plumps for.
   NYBSTER (n.)
   Sort of person who takes the lift to travel one floor.
   OCKLE (n.)
   An electrical switch which appears to be off in both positions.
   OSBASTON (n.)
   A point made for the sevent time to somebody who insisits that they
   know exactly what you mean but clearly hasn't got the faintest idea.
   OSHKOSH (n., vb.)
   The noise made by someone who has just been grossly flattered and is
   trying to make light of it.
   OSSETT (n.)
   A frilly spare-toilet-roll-cosy.
   OSWALDTWISTLE (n. Old Norse)
   Small brass wind instrument used for summoning Vikings to lunch when
   they're off on their longships, playing.
   OBWESTRY (abs.n.)
   Bloody-minded determination on part of a storyteller to continue a
   story which both the teller and the listeners know has become
   desperately tedious.
   Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have
   to as a matter of duty.
   OUNDLE (vb.)
   To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging
   one leg behind the other. Most commonly used by actors in amateur
   production of Richard III, or by people carrying a heavy suitcase in
   one hand.
   OZARK (n.)
   One who offers to help just after all the work has been done.
   PABBY (n.,vb.)
   (Fencing term.) The play, or manoeuvre, where one swordsman leaps on
   to the table and pulls the battleaxe off the wall.
   PANT-Y-WACCO (adj.)
   The final state of mind of retired colonel before they come to take
   him away.
   Something drawn or modelled by a small child which you are supposed to
   know wait it is.
   PAPPLE (vb.)
   To do what babies do to soup with their spoons.
   Technical term for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making
   of a pornographic film.
   PEEBLES (pl.n.)
   Small, carefully rolled pellets of skegness (q.v.)
   PELUTHO (n.) A South American ball game. The balls are whacked against
   a brick wall with a stout wooden bat until the prisoner confesses.
   Welsh word which literally translates as 'leaking-biro-by-
   PEORIA (n.)
   The fear of peeling too few potatoes.
   (English public-school slang). A prefect whose duty it is to suprise
   new boys at the urinal humiliate them in a manner of his choosing.
   One of those spray things used to wet ironing with.
   PEVENSEY (n.archaic)
   The right to collect shingle from the king's foreshore.
   A trouser stain caused by a wimbledon (q.v.). Not to be confused with
   a botley (q.v.)
   PIMLICO (n.)
   Small odd-shaped piece of plastic or curious metal component found in
   the bottom of kitchen rummagedrawer when spring-cleaning or looking
   for Sellotape.
   PIMPERNE (n.)
   One of those rubber nodules found on the underneath side of a lavatory
   The background gurgling noise heard in Wimby Bars caused by people
   trying to get the last bubbles out of their milkshakes by slurping
   loudly through their straws.
   PITSLIGO (n.)
   Part of traditional mating rite. During the first hot day of spring,
   all the men in the tube start giving up their seats to ladies and
   staphanging. The purpose of pitsligo is for them to demonstrate their
   manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.
   PLEELEY (adj.)
   Descriptive of a drunk person's attempt to be endearing.
   PLYMOUTH (vb.)
   To relate an amusing story to someone without remembering that it was
   they who told it to you in the first place.
   PLYMPTON (n.)
   The (pointless) knob on top of a war memorial.
   PODE HOLE (n.)
   A hole drilled in chipboard lavatory walls by homosexuals for any one
   of a number of purposes.
   POGES (pl.n.)
   The lumps of dry powder that remain after cooking a packet soup.
   POLBATHIC (adj.)
   Gifted with ability to manipulate taps using only the feet.
   POLLOCH (n.)
   One of those tiny ribbed-plastic and aluminium foil tubs of milk
   served on trains enabling you to carry one safely back to you
   compartment where your legs in comfort trying to get the bloody things
   POLPERRO (n.)
   A polperro is the ball, or muff, of soggy hair found clinging to bath
   POONA (n.)
   Satisfied grunting noise made when sitting back after a good meal.
   Dried remains of a week-old casserole, eaten when extremely drunk at
   two a.m.
   PUDSEY (n.)
   The curious-shaped flat wads of dough left on a kitchen table after
   someone has been cutting scones out of it.
   QUABBS (pl.n.)
   The substances which emerge when you squeeze a blackhead.
   QUALL (vb.)
   To speak with the voice of one who requires another to do something
   for them.
   A rabidly left-wing politican who can afford to be that way because he
   married a millionairess.
   Something that happens when people make it up after an agglethorpe
   QUENBY (n.)
   A stubborn spot on a window which you spend twenty minutes trying to
   clean off before discovering it's on the other side of the glass.
   QUERRIN (n.)
   A person that no one has ever heard of who unaccountably manages to
   make a living writing prefaces.
   QUOYNESS (n.)
   The hatefullness of words like 'relionus' and 'easiephit'.
   RAMSGATE (n.)
   All institutional buildings must, by law, contain at least twenty
   remsgates. These are doors which open the opposite way to the one you
   RANFURLY (adj.)
   Fashion of trying ties so that the long thin end underneath dangles
   below the short fat upper end.
   RECULVER (n.)
   The sort of remark only ever made during Any Questions.
   RIPON (vb.)
   (Of literary critics.) To include all the best jokes from the book in
   the review to make it look as if the critic thought of them.
   One who is able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of
   their cinema or aircraft seat.
   ROYSTON (n.)
   The man behind you in church who sings with terrific gusto almost tree
   quarters of a tone off the note.
   RUNCORN (n.)
   A peeble (q.v.) which is larger that a belper (q.v.)
   SADBERGE (n.)
   A violent green shrub which is ground up, mixed with twigs and
   gelatine and served with clonmult (q.v.) and buldoo (q.v.) in a
   container referred to for no known reason as a 'relish tray'.
   To spray the person you are talking to with half-chewed breadcrumbs or
   small pieces of whitebait.
   SAVERNAKE (vb.)
   To sew municipal crests on to a windcheater in the belief that this
   will make the wearer appear cosmopolitan.
   A small dog which resembles a throwrug and appears to be dead.
   SCETHROG (n.)
   One of those peculiar beards-without-moustaches worn by religious
   Belgians and American scientists which help them look like trolls.
   SCONSER (n.)
   A person who looks around then when talking to you, to see if there's
   anyone more interesting about.
   SCOPWICK (n.)
   The flap of skin which is torn off you lip when trying to smake an
   untipped cigarette.
   SCORRIER (n.)
   A small hunting dog trained to snuffle amongst your private parts.
   SCOSTHROP (vb.)
   To make vague opening or cutting movements with the hands when
   wandering about looking for a tin opener, scissors, etc. in the hope
   that this will help in some way.
   SCRABBY (n.) A curious-shaped duster given to you by your mother which
   on closer inspection turns out to be half an underpant.
   One of those dogs which has it off on your leg during tea.
   SCRAMOGE (vb.)
   To cut oneself whilst licking envelopes.
   SCRANTON (n.)
   A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always
   says,'... But I only had the tomato soup.'
   The absurd flap of hair a vain and balding man grows long above one
   ear to comb it to the other ear.
   SCREEB (n.)
   To make the noise of a nylon anorak rubbing against a pair of corduroy
   SCREGGAN (n.banking)
   The crossed-out bit caused by people putting the wrong year on their
   cheques all through January.
   SCREMBY (n.)
   The dehydrated felt-tip pen attached by a string to the 'Don't Forget'
   board in the kitchen which has never worked in living memory but which
   no one can be bothered to throw away.
   SCROGGS (n.)
   The stout pubic hairs which protrude from your helping of moussaka in
   a cheap Greek resturant.
   SCRONKEY (n.)
   Something that hits the window as a result of a violent sneeze.
   SCULLET (n.)
   The last teaspoon in the washing up.
   SEATTLE (vb.)
   To make a noise like a train going along.
   SHALUNT (n.)
   One who wears Trinidad and Tobago T-shirts on the beach in Bali to
   prove thay didn't just win the holiday in a competition or anything.
   SHANKLIN (n.)
   The hoop of skin around a single slice of salami.
   The infinite smugness of one who knows they are entitled to a place in
   a nuclear bunker.
   SHEPPY (n.)
   Measure of distance (equal to approximately seven eighths of a mile),
   defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque.
   SHIFNAL (n.,vb.)
   An awkward shuffling walk caused by two or more people in a hurry
   accidentally getting into the same segment of revolving door. A
   similar effect is achieved by people entering three-legged races
   unwisely joined at the neck instead of the ankles.
   SHIRMERS (pl.n.)
   Tall young men who stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest
   that they know they bride reather well.
   SHOEBURYNESS (abs.n.) The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when
   sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom.
   One of Germaine Greer's used-up lovers.
   SIDCUP (n.)
   One of those hats made from tying knots in the corners of a
   SILESIA (n.medical)
   The inability to remember, at the critical moment, which is the better
   side of a boat to be seasick off.
   SILLOTH (n.)
   Something that was sticky, and is now furry, found on the carpet under
   the sofa the morning after a party.
   SIMPRIM (n.)
   The little movement of false modesty by which a girl with a cavernous
   visible cleavage pulls her skirt down over her knees.
   One of those conversions where both people are waiting for the other
   one to shut up so they can get on with their bit.
   SKEGNESS (n.)
   Nose excreata of a malleable consistency.
   SKELLOW (adj.)
   Descriptive of the satisfaction experienced when looking at a really
   good dry-stone wall.
   The flakes of athelete's foot found inside socks.
   SKETTY (n.)
   Apparently self-propelled little dance a beer glass performs in its
   own puddle.
   The noise made by a sunburned thight leaving plastic chair.
   SLIGO (n.)
   An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that
   famous films stars get up to in private. 'To commit slingo.'
   SLOGARIE (n.)
   Hillwalking dialect for the seven miles of concealed rough moorland
   which lie between what you though was the top of the hill and what
   actually is.
   SLUBBERY (n.)
   The gooey drips of wax that dribble down the sides of a candle so
   beloved by Italian resturants with Chianti bottles instead of
   SLUGGAN (n.)
   A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because
   it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spourse last night -
   but which into a door. Is is useless to volunteer the true explanation
   because nobody will believe it.
   SLUMBAY (n.)
   The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lager they have
   just swigged from a can at the end of party.
   SMARDEN (vb.)
   To keep your mouth shut by smiling determinedly through you teeth.
   Smardening is largely used by people trying to give the impression
   that they're enjoying a story they've heard at least six times before.
   The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty
   is to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath. From the
   name of a character not in Dickens.
   SNEEM (n.,vb.)
   Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent
   in mixed company when question, 'Mummy, what's this ?' appears to
   require the answer,''s a rubber johnny,darling'.
   SNITTER (n.)
   One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office
   wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the
   headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to
   the office.
   Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is
   also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows
   Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.),cards saying 'You don't
   have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly
   smutty postcards from ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)
   SOLENT (adj.)
   Descriptive of the state of serene selfknowledge reached through
   Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross
   when it's raining.
   That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a
   bagpipe contest or vampire attack.
   SPOFFORTH (vb.)
   To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.
   The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks
   he's being elegant.
   STEBBING (n.)
   The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.
   The tapping moments of an index finger on glass made by a person
   futilely attempting to communicate with either a tropical fish or a
   post office clerk.
   STURRY (n.,vb.)
   A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately
   in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and
   break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without
   having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.
   SUTTON and CHEAM (nouns)
   Sutton and cheam are the kinds of dirt into which all dirt is divided.
   'Sutton' is the dark sort that always gets on to light-coloured
   things, 'cheam' the light-coloured sort that clings to dark items.
   Anyone who has ever found Marmite stains on a dress-shirt or seagull
   goo on a dinner jacker (a) knows all about sutton and cheam, and (b)
   is going to tome very curious dinner parties.
   SWANAGE (pl.n.)
   Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to
   cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a)
   uttering a highpitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this
   doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and
   wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out
   your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some
   shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?'
   (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working
   your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop
   where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at
   an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in
   too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the
   occasional humourous glance.
   SWANIBOST (adj.)
   Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to
   SYMOND'S YAT (n.)
   The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.
   The look directed at you in a teatre bar in the interval by people
   who've already got their drinks.
   TAMPA (n.)
   The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk
   in a very quiet room.
   TAROOM (vb.)
   To make loud noises during the night to let the buglars know you are
   An embarrassing mistake arising out of confusing the shape of
   something rather rude with something perfectly ordinary when groping
   for it in the darkness. A common example of a tegucigalpa is when a
   woman pulls a packet of Tampax out of her bag and offers them around
   under the impression that it is a carton of cigarettes.
   Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and
   obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.
   THROCKING (participial vb.)
   The action of countinually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster
   in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want
   it to toast something. Also : a style of drum-playing favoured by
   Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of
   someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example
   of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the
   album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.
   The soul of a departed madman : one of those now known to inhabit the
   timing mechanish of pop-up toasters.
   The irritating man next to you in a concert who thinks he's (a) the
   conductor, (b) the brass section.
   THRUPP (vb.)
   To hold a ruler on one end on a desk and make the other end go
   THURNBY (n.)
   A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone
   will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or
   two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.
   TIBSHELF (n.)
   Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's
   bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs
   and porclain ponies in various postures.
   TIDPIT (n.)
   The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits
   may be sprung.
   TIGHARRY (n.)
   The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the
   threecard trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of
   money very easily.
   The man-to-man chummieness adpoted by an employer as a prelude for
   telling an employee that he's going to have to let him go.
   TIMBLE (vb.)
   (Of small nasty children.) To fail over very gently, look around to
   see who's about, and then yell blue murder.
   A man who amuses himself in your lavatory by pulling the chain in
   midpee and then seeing if he can finish before the flush does.
   TINGRITH (n.)
   The feeling of silver paper against your fillings.
   TODBER (n.)
   One whose idea of a good time is to stand behind his front hedge and
   give surly nods to people he doesn't know.
   TODDING (vb.)
   The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the
   TOLOB (n.)
   A crease or fold in an underblanket, the removal of which involves
   getting out of bed an largely remaking it.
   What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you
   are not drunk.
   A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at
   when the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and
   there is no one inside.
   TORLUNDY (n.) Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the
   fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.
   TORONTO (n.) Generic term for anything which comes out of a gush
   despite all your careful efforts to let it out gently, e.g. flour into
   a white souce, tomato ketchup on to fried fish, sperm into a human
   being, etc.
   The riduculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for
   the teatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either
   the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the
   audience. c.f. hickling.
   TRANTLEMORE (vb.) To make a noise like a train crossing a set of
   TREWOFFE (n.)
   A very thick and heavy drift of snow balanced precariously on the
   edoge of a door porch waiting for what it judges to be the correct
   moment to fall. From the ancient Greek legend 'The Treewofe of
   TRISPEN (n.) A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough
   stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmover coming
   it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.
   TROSSACHS (pl.n.) The useless epaulettes on an expensive raincoat.
   TUAMGRANEY (n.) A hideous wooden ornament that people hang over the
   mantelpiece to prove they've been to Africa.
   TULSA (n.)
   A slurp of beer which has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.
   TUMBY (n.)
   The involuntary abdominal gurgling which fills the silence following
   someone else's inimate personal revelation.
   TWEEDSMUIR (collective n.)
   The name given to the extensive vollection of hats kept in the
   downstairs lavatory which don't fit anyone in the family.
   The colour of some of Nigel Rees's trousers, worn in the mistaken
   belief that they go rather well with his sproston green (q.v.)
   TWOMILEBORRIS (n.) A popular Ease European outdoor game in which the
   first person to reach the front of the meat queue wins, and the losers
   have to forfeit their bath plugs.
   TYNE and WEAR (nouns)
   The 'Tyne' is the small priceless or vital object accidentally dropped
   on the floor (e.g. diamond tieclip, contact lans) and the 'wear' is
   the large immovable object (e.g. Welsh dreser, car-crusher) that it
   shelters under.
   ULLAPOOL (n.)
   The spittle which builds up on the floor of the Royal Opera House.
   An over-developed epiglottis found in middle-aged coloraturas.
   ULLOCK (n.)
   The correct name for either of the deaf Scandinavian tourists who are
   standing two abreast in front of you on the escalator.
   The awful moment which follows a dorchester (q.v.) when a speaker
   weighs up whether to repeat an amusing remark after nobody laughed the
   last time. To be on the horns of an umberleigh is to wonder whether
   people didn't hear the remark, or whether they did hear it and just
   didn't think it was funny, which was why somebody coughed.
   UPOTTERY (n.)
   That part of a kitchen copboard which contains an unnecessarily large
   number of milk jugs.
   A small but immensely complex mechanical device which is essentially
   the 'brain' of a modern coffeevending machine, and which enables the
   machine to take its own decisions.
   VALLETTA (n.)
   On ornate head-dress or loose garment worn by a person in the belief
   that it renders then invisibly native and not like a tourist at all.
   People who don huge conial staw collie hats with 'I Luv Lagos' on them
   in Nigeria, or fat solicitors from Tonbridge on holiday in Malaya who
   insist on appearing in the hotel lobby wearing a sarong know wat we're
   on about.
   The technical name for one of those huge trucks with whirling brushes
   on the bottom used to clean streets.
   VENTNOR (n.) One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious
   gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being able to operate
   the air-nozzles above aeroplane seats.
   A Durex machinewhich doesn't have the phrase 'So was the Titanic'
   scrawled on it. The word has now fallen into discuse.
   VOBSTER (n.)
   A strain of perfectly healthy rodent which develops cancer the moment
   it enter a laboratory.
   WARLEGGAN (n.archaic)
   One who does not approve of araglins (q.v.)
   WATH (n.)
   The rage of Roy Jenkins.
   WEEM (n.)
   The tools with which a dentist can inflict the greatest pain.
   Formerly, which tool this was was dependent upon the imagination and
   skill of the individual dentist, though now, with technological
   advances, weems can be bought specially.
   WEMBLEY (n.)
   The hideous moment of confirmation that the diaster presaged in the
   ely (q.v.) has actually struck.
   (Veterinary term.) The operation to trace an object swallowed by a cow
   through all its seven stomachs. Hence, also (1) en expedition to
   discover where the exits are in the Barican Centre, and (2) a search
   through the complete works of Chaucer for all the rude bits.
   WEST WITTERING (participial vb.)
   The uncontrollable twitching which breaks out when you're trying to
   get away from the most borig person at a party.
   WETWANG (n.)
   A moist penis.
   A homicidal golf stroke.
   WHASSET (n.)
   A business car in you wallet belonging to someone whom you have no
   recollection of meeting.
   The nose which occurs (often by night) in a strange house, which is
   too short and too irregular for you ever to be able to find out what
   it is and where it comes from.
   The sort of person who impresonates trimphones.
   WIGAN (n.)
   If, when talking to someone you know has only one leg, you're trying
   to treat then perfectly casually and normally, but find to your horror
   that your conversion is liberally studded with references to (a) Long
   John Silver, (b) Hopalong Cassidy, (c) The Hockey Cokey, (d) 'putting
   your foot in it', (e) 'the last leg of the UEFA competition', you are
   said to have commited a wigan. The word is derived from the fact that
   sub-editors at ITN used to manage to mention the name of either the
   town Wigan, or Lord Wigg, in every fourth script that Reginald
   Bosanquet was given to read.
   WIKE (vb.)
   To rip a piece of sticky plaster off your skin as fast as possible in
   the hope that it will (a) show how brave you are, and (b) not hurt.
   Of a person whose hearth is in the wrong place (i.e. between their
   That last drop which, no matter how much you shake it, always goes
   down your trouser leg.
   WINKLEY (n.)
   A lost object which turns up immediately you've gone and bought a
   replacement for it.
   A person in a resturant who suggest to their companions that they
   should split the cost of the meal equally, and then orders two packets
   of cigarettes on the bill.
   WIVENHOE (n.)
   The cry of alacrity with which a sprightly eighty-year-old breaks the
   ice on the lake when going for a swim on Christmas Eve.
   WOKING (participial vb.)
   Standing in the kitchen wondering what you came in here for.
   A mumbled, mispronounced or misshears word in a song, speech or play.
   Derived from the well-known mumbles passage in Hamlet :

 '...and the spurns,

  That patient merit of the unworthy


  When he himself might his quietus


  With a bare bodkin? Who


  To grunt and sweat under a weary


   WORGRET (n.)
   A kind of poltergeist which specialises in stealing new copies of the
   A-Z from your car.
   WORKSOP (n.)
   A person who never actually gets round to doing anything because he
   spends all his time writing out lists headed 'Things to Do (Urgent)'.
   Any seventeen-year-old who doesn't know about anything at all in the
   world other than bicycle gears.
   WRABNESS (n.)
   The feeling after having tried to dry oneself with a damp towel.
   WRITTLE (vb.)
   Of a steel ball, to settle into a hole.
   WROOT (n.)
   A short little berk who thinks that by pulling on his pipe and gazing
   shrewdly at you he will give the impression that he is infinitely wise
   and 5 ft 11 in.
   WYOMING (participial vb.)
   Moving in hurried desperation from one cubicle to another in a public
   lavatory trying to find one which has a lock on the door, a seat on
   the bowl and no brown steaks on the seat.
   (Of offended pooves.) To exit huffily from a boutique.
   YARMOUTH (vb.)
   To shout at foreigners in the belief that the louder you speak, the
   better they'll understand you.
   YATE (n.)
   Dishearteningly white piece of bread which sits limply in a pop-up
   toaster during a protracked throcking (q.v.) session.
   YEPPOON (n.)
   One of the hat-hanging corks which Australians wear for making Qantas
   YESNABY (n.)
   A 'yes, maybe' which means 'no'.
   The kind of resturant advertised as 'just three minutes from this
   cinema' which clearly nobody ever goes to and, evn if they had ever
   contemplated it, have certainly changed their minde since seeing the
   YONKERS (n.)
   (Rare.) The combind thrill of pain and shame when being caught in
   public plucking your nostril-hairs and stuffing them into your
   YORK (vb.)
   To shift the position of the shoulder straps on a heavy bag or
   rucksack in a vain attempt to make it seem lighter. Hence : to laugt
   falsely and heartily at an unfunny remark. 'Jasmine yorked politely,
   loathing him to the depths of her being' - Virginia Woolf.
   (Skiing term.) To ski with 'zeal monchorum' is to decend the top three
   quaters of the mountain in a quivering blue funk, but on arriving at
   the gentle bit just in front of the resturant to whizz to a stop like
   a victerious slalom-champion.