Weird News: Volume One OH THOSE COPS!! - At a high-school basketball game in February, Oklahoma City Police officer Eldridge Wyatt became dissatisfied that no fouls were being called on "No. 21" and walked onto the court to point out the player's elbowing to the referees. When referee Stan Guffey told Wyatt to leave the officiating to him, Wyatt arrested Guffey. Guffey was unarrested a few minutes later so that the game could continue, but when a reporter asked Wyatt after the game what had happened, Wyatt tried to arrest him, too. PAY ATTENTION DUDES! - Lynne F. Herron, 33, was hired recently as a municipal bus driver in Cleveland by the Regional Transit Authority. She had just been fired as a municipal train driver after an accident that injured 14 people, which she caused by deliberately disengaging a safety system. The city's labor contract requires that anyone fired for a train accident be rehired as a bus driver. - A West Chester, Pa., urologist reported in an issue of `Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality' last year that a man had checked himself into an emergency room with pain resulting from a swollen and apparently lacerated scrotum. Days after the doctor repaired the patient's condition, the man confided that he had been masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a piece of machinery at work during his lunch hour when he leaned too close as he approached orgasm and suffered an industrial accident. He then used a heavy duty stapling gun to close the wound. - Motorcyclist David Gripon was injured in a collision near Escondito, Calif., in July when he lost control of his bike on Interstate 15. As Gripon came alongside a car with bare feet sticking out of the passenger window, he reached out to tickle them and ran into the car in front of him. - Montesano, Wash., government prosecutor Steward Menefee announced in November that he would not seek a tougher penalty against convicted murderer Lee Bake, because the required "aggravated circumstances" were not present. Bake had gouged the victim's eyes with a screwdriver, stabbed her to death, and drunk her blood. - Malaysian Deputy Interior Minister Megat Junid Ayob told an anti-drug conference in January in Kuala Lampur that shortages in heroin and cannabis have caused some addicts to get high by sniffing fresh cow dung. Addicts put a coconut shell over the party, with a hole at the top for sniffing. - Recently in a New York City supermarket, according to a `New York Daily News' story, a customer became upset that another woman was abusing the maximum limit for items at an express checkout line and precipitated a loud argument, which culminated with the angry woman shouting at the queue-abuser, "I spit into your groceries." the alleged queue-abuser was the wife of reputed mobster John Gotti. Victoria Gotti said she "used connections" to trace the woman's license plate, went to the woman's home, and dumped a box of dog feces on her. - In December, Washington State Reformatory officials they had erred in obliging a 53 year old inmate's job preference to work in the prison's printing plant. He was serving time for forgery, and officials uncovered, during a routine inspection of his quarters, forged birth certificates, marriage licenses, and a paycheck stub. An official said the prison tries to get inmates jobs "based on their interests." AS IN REAL WEIRD - Transsexual Baroness Maria Thyssen von Hexun, formerly James Gonzales, was sentenced to four years in prison in Denver in October, for bilking an elderly woman out of several thousand dollars. As her sentence was pronounced, the 6 foot, 220 pound baroness rolled her eyes and objected, "I've been involved with nothing but a bunch of jerks. They don't listen. They lose things." Her attorney told the judge that "these things happen," referring to the baroness' fantasies that she was a baroness. REAL DUMB - Prison escapee James Sanders was captured by federal agents at his home in Stinnett, Texas, in January after 17 years on the lam, during which he had established a new life, married, and fathered a daughter. Agents were tipped off when Sanders, out of curiosity, telephoned the FBI to ask whether they were still pursuing James Sanders. MAJOR BAD SPORT - In February, Marc Cienkowski, 26, confessed to the murder last July of his friend, Michael Klucznik, 31, in Doylestown Borough, Pa., after a dispute over a game of Monopoly. Cienkowski shot Klucznik through the heart, using a bow and arrow. According to the district attorney, "[Cienkowski] wanted to be the car rather than the thimble or the hat." WEIRD NEWS VOLUME 2 PASTORAL WEIRD - The Reverend Glen Summerford was convicted in February of attempted murder of his wife in Scottsboro, Alabama. A jury found that he had forced his wife to stick her hand into a cage of rattlesnakes (which he handles in his services at his Church of Jesus With Following Signs in addition to drinking strychnine and touching live electrical wires), saying that she had to die because he wanted to marry another woman. Much of the trial testimony concerned which of the spouses had sinned or "backslid" more. (While Summerford was in jail, his inadequately supervised parishioner, Clyde Crossfield, was bitten on both hands by a rattlesnake he was handling.) SUE `EM ALL!! - Scott D. Carpenter, 27, filed a lawsuit in September against the management company of Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh and its chief concessionaire because they allowed him to buy too many beers during a 1989 Steelers game and then failed to warn him about the danger of riding on escalator handrails, on which he was injured in a drunken fall. - In Tacoma, Washington, Christine Lauritzen filed a lawsuit against her husband, Bret, last year for negligence that subjected her to injury. Bret's error was in ignoring Christine's driving instructions: During a visit to Miami, Florida, they wound up in a bad section of town, where they were eventually robbed and where she suffered a severe arm injury. - A newspaper in Ireland reported in February that 38 Irish soccer fans recently won a lawsuit against two bus companies that had caused them to miss the 1990 World Cup games in Italy. They sued because the bus drivers drove too slowly (an average of 20 mph) on two trips, causing them to miss one game and to miss a scheduled ferry that would have transported them to another game. - Takashi Nakayama, 25, filed a lawsuit in December in a court in Niigata, Japan, against his mother and grandmother, seeking about $1,548 in damages because his grandmother had thrown out his comic-book collection without his consent and his mother had failed to stop her. POLITICOS FROM HELL - Magoo Dorcy, 42, announced his candidacy for mayor of Dover, Delaware, despite having pleaded guilty in Columbus, Ohio, three years ago for molesting a 5 year old girl. - Harold W. "Tony" Glacken was charged last year with running a fraudulent auto-inspection scheme. Upon announcing his candidacy for sheriff in St Louis, Missouri, recently, Glacken said, "I just decided it was time I get involved and get this community straightened out. I'm tired of all the [county's] bad publicity." - In Salem, Oregon, former Baptist minister Joe Lutz withdrew from the U.S. Senate race in January, saying that his "family values" campaign had lost credibility because he had abandoned his wife to marry another woman and reportedly was $2,000 behind in child support payments. - Donald L. Traxler, newly installed mayor of Ada, Ohio, and education professor at Ohio Northern University, declared in December that he would take office later in the month, as scheduled, despite his December 13 arrest when rangers observed him masturbating at a local park. - Sherman T. Miller, running for sheriff in Van Buren County in southeastern Iowa, was jailed in March, suspected by authorities to be part of a burglary ring that had been stealing farm equipment. Said Miller, "It's just a bunch of political nonsense to take me out of the race." - Poin Adams, candidate for sheriff in Amarillo, Texas, was found guilty in 1990 of fraud for tampering with his vehicle inspection sticker. He had crudely drawn a "1" on his windshield, to obscure the "0" in 1990, so that his sticker would appear to be valid in 1991. OH RAMI, GET REAL JOB!! - On October 12, a clerk on duty at a convenience store in Abilene, Texas, was persuaded by a man to accept a $100 bill that was accurately printed (1950 series) in every detail -- except that it was 12 inches long and 5 inches wide. REAL WEIRD - Last fall, two men holed up in the Maine State Library in Augusta for two months in makeshift living quarters that a security official said included "everything you could think of," before they were discovered. Andre V. Jatho, 20, was charged with burglary, but the other man moved out. For sustenance, the two men had looted various state supply rooms (taking an unusually large quantity of pudding). WEIRD NEWS VOLUME 3 STATE SEX - Theaters in North Carolina recently began showing, as a short feature, a state-funded film advocating teenage sexual abstinence. In "The Power To Create Life," a teenage couple in a car are contemplating having sex until the sky lights up and an alien emperor implores, "You have the power to create life. Don't abuse it!" The kids decide to go to a movie instead. OOOPS!! - Minneapolis prosecutors were expecting a long and difficult child molesting trial against Robert G. Swan because the incriminating photographs they had of him blurred his face. Then, in January, his wife brought Swan, who was in jail, a fresh change of clothing for his court appearance, giving him the very articles he was wearing in the photographs. After the clothing turned up, Swan quickly pleaded guilty. - Xavier Hunter, 26, was arrested in Chicago in December of robbing the Citibank Federal Savings Bank. Unknown to him, President Bush was speaking at the Chicago Board of Trade, less than a block away, at the time, and the neighborhood was thus full of police officers. As Hunter exited the bank, the chemical dye pack in his bounty exploded, alerting the many nearby officers, who chased him down despite his futile attempt to abandon the money by throwing it into the air as he ran. - In St Louis in January, Thomas Hall pulled into what looked like a fast food restaurant's drive thru to place an order. However, the drive thru speaker he yelled into was an intercom stand at the Area III St Louis police station. An officer came out and arrested Hall for DUI. (The next day, after Hall's arrest made local news, DJ "Wacky Pat" Fortune drove up to the same intercom stand to out a gag for his listeners. However, an officer checked Fortune out on the computer, discovered unpaid traffic violations, and arrested him as a fugitive.) - James Bridgewater, 32, was arrested in Kankakee, Illinois, after a mishap at the First of America Bank's drive-in window. He was carrying two white sacks, one containing money for deposit and the other containing two grams of marijuana and rolling papers. He put the wrong bag in the pneumatic tube. TEACHER FROM HELL - To quell unruly seventh graders in Irvington, New Jersey, in February, substitute teacher Monique Bazile, 57, cast a voodoo spell on the class. According to pupils, Bazile began shaking and chanting, threw ritual powder on the kids, and warned them that their houses would burn down because of their rowdiness. Criminal charges of endangering the welfare of a child and making terroristic threats were brought against her. - Milford, Utah, high-school teacher Cherry Florence was fired in February for an indiscretion. According to the local board of education, after the school, for health reasons, interviewed students individually as to their level of sexual activity, Florence released to her classes a list of which of the school's 170 teenagers were virgins. - Acting Principal Steven Stocker, 31, voted Fredericksburg, Virginia, outstanding young educator in 1988, was arrested in January after he engaged a 9 year old girl in what the district attorney called a servant-master game. Stocker, the servant, had allegedly kissed the girl's feet and sucked her toes. - The board of education in Worthington Hills, near Columbus, Ohio, disciplined teacher Alan Brady in February on charges that he poked a student teacher in her backside with a fork and that he had third-graders line up and jump on and hit a fellow student who had been bad. - Immokalee, Florida, substitute teacher, Krystal Gail Allen, was fired in January after parents complained that she described her sex life in great detail to an eighth-grade geography class and invited students to share their own tales with her. One student had recorded the class. FOOLS !! - In January, burglars at Rich's department store in Salem, Massachusetts, were forced to flee empty handed after the welding torch they were using to break into a safe accidentally ignited the money inside, causing a fire and setting off the store's smoke alarm. REAL WEIRD - Daniel Hendricks, 34, of St Louis, was charged in February with several counts of aggravated battery in Tampa for ramming at least six cars on an interstate highway and forcing others off the road as he sped at 100mph toward nearby Clearwater, Florida, where Barbara Bush was speaking. Hendricks told police he had to warn Mrs. Bush that Saddam Hussein was preparing to invade the U.S. I SAY FRY HIM !! - Montique Ramon Brown, 18, surrendered to Richmond, Virginia, police in March, telling them he was the one who had shot a man to death at 12:05 AM on January 1st. He told police he did it because he wanted to be the person who committed Richmond's first murder of 1992. WEIRD NEWS VOLUME 4 CHILLIN - A 31 year old man turned himself in to Anchorage, Alaska, police in January claiming to be the fugitive "Dr Diaper," who has been appearing at local day care centers in diapers and trying to get them to take him in. Two years before, Dr Diaper contracted with a baby sitter by phone, claiming to be the parent of an 18 year old boy who had the mentality of a toddler, needed to be changed and fed, and whose bad habits (Masturbating in public) should be ignored. When the sitter arrived, the giant baby was Dr Diaper himself. On another occasion, a prospective baby sitter said Dr Diaper had come to her door once carrying his own 3 year old son because he could not find a real baby sitter for the boy while he went out on his escapade. MAMA, HOW DO I STOP ? - Richard Smith, 31, celebrated his release from jail in March with a dinner at the Tara Hyannis Hotel in Massachusetts. He had served 90 days for running out on nine restaurant tabs last summer. He was promptly arrested again, for running out on the $28 check at the Tara. - John Fogleman, 30, serving time for rape in Ft. Lauderdale, Fla, was arrested in November for making obscene telephone calls from inside the jail. - Mahad Omar, 22, who is imprisoned for robbery and assault in Kingston, Ontario, but who had been given a one day pass in December to attend a religious ceremony, was returned to jail before the day was over for robbing a woman at knife point in St. Michael's Cathedral in Toronto. TOO WAY COOL - James L Ramey, 53, of Clyde, North Carolina, was charged with assault in November after a 15 minute brawl at the rural Full Gospel Holiness Church. The brawl began when one person wanted to sit in the back pew, which was occupied, as usual, by a church regular. The minister's son suffered a bite to the neck that required ***31*** stitches. - Aerospace engineer Dean Harvey Hicks of Costa Mesa, Calif, was sentenced to 20 years in prison in February as a result of his conviction for launching aerial bombs at one Internal Revenue Service building and trying to blow up three others in 1991. Hicks had become distraught that the IRS had refused to allow him to a tax deduction for an $8,000 donation to a "mail order church." - In Quebec City, Canada, in February, Serge Pouliot was sentenced to 18 months in prison for assaulting his supervisor, who had threatened to turn Pouliot in for sleeping at work. Both men operate a X-Ray machine at a shipyard, where Pouliot committed the assault by severely X-Raying the supervisor, subjecting him to the equivalent of 20 years of on the job exposure. SPORTS-IN-NUGEN - In Nashwauk, Minn, Hibbing Community College beat St Paul Bible, 85-6, in football in September, amassing 764 yards total offense by passing on every single play. It would have been worse, but St Paul Bible was in a "prevent" defense the entire game. - Among the rituals of Atlanta Braves minor-league pitcher Turk Wendell in 1991: He always crosses the foul line with a kangaroo jump; demands that the umpire roll the ball to him to start the game; chew licorice on the mound and brushes his teeth every inning; occasionally makes a pick-off throw to first base - - with no runners on; and once carried a camera to the mound in his pocket, took it out, and snapped a picture of the batter before pitching to him. WHAT I'LL DO FOR A BUCK - Earl H. Brockington was convicted in February of robbery in Kansas City, Mo, for an incident a year ago. He had taken a woman's purse (containing only $5) in a parking garage, then accidentally nicked the woman with his knife, provoking her to scream, whereupon four men chased him, forcing him to leap from a parking deck 25 feet to the ground, injuring his leg. He managed to hobble to, and climb under, a parked car, but the owner of the car got in a few minutes later, started it up, and ran over Brockington's feet, breaking several bones. AWWW - Gregory Putman, 42, a veteran sheriff's deputy who had been on inactive status since 1984 after a heart transplant, was disciplined in November by an Oregon City, Ore, judge, who lifted Putman's license to carry a concealed weapon. Putman, apparently frustrated at being shelved from "active" status, had modified his car so that it would resemble a state patrol car and had allegedly stopped at least three motorists on his own to lecture them on lawful behavior. Putman said later that he had "let the old days get the best of me." JUST ASSHOLE WEIRD - Richard Paul Joseph, 51, was charged with the murder of his adopted 17 year old daughter in San Bernardino, Calif, in December. He had become upset that she was abandoning the name he and his wife had given her, Dee Dee, in favor of Desiree. WEIRD NEWS VOLUME 5 OH BABY!! - John Dawson, 26, was arrested in South St. Paul, Minn, in February after the failure of his alleged elaborate scheme to have sex. Police say he broke into a young woman's apartment just before she arrived, left her a note on the kitchen table, then undressed, put duct tape over his eyes, and handcuffed himself to her bed. In the note were instructions that she was to go into her bedroom immediately and have sex with him because a man with a gun had kidnaped him and was waiting to kill yet another person if she refused. Instead, she ran to the police, and Dawson, who had left the key to his chains on the kitchen table, could not free himself before they arrived. PEOPLE WITH NO LIVES OF THEIR OWN - The San Francisco watchdog organization Consumer Action warned in January that adult 900 telephone services often defraud their customers by promising more explicit sexual conversation than they deliver: "Despite highly suggestive titles and pictures of half-naked women in many ads," wrote Consumer Action, "the services provided tame, non-sexual conversation." - The week of April 26 thru May 2 was Sky Awareness Week in Pennsylvania. The sponsoring legislator said the week is intended to recognize all that goes on in the sky, including rain, wind, light, temperature, and the "interrelationship between phenomena in the sky and the Earth's landscape." - Conceptual artist Linda M. Montano performed at the University of Texas for three nights in November by sitting on a sawhorse next to some campus horse statues from midnight to 7 AM. She said she was fulfilling a wish she had as a child to run away to Texas and ride a horse while listening to Richard Strauss' Der Rosenkavalier. - Actress Melanie Griffith, 34, telling an interviewer about how her role as a Jewish secretary during WWII in the movie Shining Through opened her eyes: "I didn't know that 6 million Jews were killed. That's alot of people!" - Last year, a Buena Vista Pictures production executive bowed to pressure from the Humane Association of Los Angeles and had a scene cut from a movie version of White Fang, in which a wolf attacked a man. Said a Humane Association executive, "I was very concerned about that [attack scene] being an anti-wolf statement." - Magician Doug Henning, on announcing plans that he and the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi were planning a 1,500 acre theme park near Niagara Falls, which would also emphasize "awakening human consciousness," explained to the New York Times why this theme park would be different than others: "Most theme parks are superficial." GIVE ME A BREAK!! - Dr. Samson Dubrin, 28, responding to evidence against him in the murder of a 20 year old woman in Vista, Calif, in March, told a judge that he had not chloroformed her into unconsciousness; rather, Dubrin said, she must have passed out when her car passed a chemical truck somewhere on the highway. - Latest Reporter Claiming Immunity from Prostitution Arrest: Robert H. Wilds, 39, a TV reporter in Knoxville, pleaded no contest to soliciting a prostitute in November but said, "What was in my mind was [not to have sex but] to interview her for a story." MON STUPID - Robert Austin, 33, was suspected by Minneapolis police of being the "gorilla gunman" who robbed local retail stores in January while wearing a gorilla mask. Police got their biggest lead when a maskless Austin robbed the MGM liquor store Warehouse: Austin forced the clerk into the office to get money and only halfway through the robbery remembered to put the mask he was carrying on. REAL WEIRD - Elmwood Park, NJ, principal Samuel R. Bracigliano, 49, recently on trial for molesting teenage boys, repeatedly denied the charges in spite of mounting evidence. He denied that the extensive collection of pornography the police seized from his home was for his sexual pleasure, even though a jar of Vaseline was found with the materials, along with pieces of paper, discovered in videotape boxes, containing numbers which corresponded to the VCR counter numbers at the which sex scenes began. Bracigliano said he is a serious photographer of nudes and planned use nude Polaroids that police found of teenage boys for a display collage and to bring it to school as an example of his work. "I was doing my best work yet when I was arrested." OUCH - Georgina Thompson, 37, was charged in Wellington, Kansas, in March with soliciting two men to murder her common-law husband. Her promised payment was her husband's collection of baseball cards. The two men reported her to police and turned over the down payment she had made of 10 of the cards. Said the deputy sheriff about the offer of baseball cards, "That's about as mean as a wife can get. The only thing lower would have been if she offered his hunting and fishing gear." WEIRD NEWS VOLUME 6 TAKE THE FIFTH!! - Bruce Damon, attempting to work a plea bargain in February to charges that he knocked off a bank in Whitman, Mass, argued to the judge that the eight to fifteen year term suggested by the prosecutor was way too long. First of all, Damon said, when he robbed a bank in 1987, he only got three to five years. Secondly, he said, citing an article from the Brockston Enterprise newspaper, the bank had enjoyed record earnings despite the robbery and expected to do well in 1992 also. Said Damon, "I didn't hurt this bank at all." When the judge asked Damon if he would rob banks again if he were free, Damon replied, "I'd like to plead the Fifth Amendment on that." The judge refused to accept the plea and scheduled Damon for trial. DOES IT EVER END?? - Columbian garbage collector Oscar Hernandez claimed in March that he was kidnaped by security guards during the Carnival in Barranquilla and taken to a lab at the Free University of Barranquilla, where a syndicate planned to kill him for his body parts. A police investigation then turned up 11 bodies, and parts of 22 others, and a report that body bounty hunters received $200 per person. Police identified most of the victims as being garbage collectors. - The International Amateur Athletics Federation recently changed its procedures to perform gender checks on female athletes. For 25 years, the Federation had used a chromosome smear test but decided late last year it will merely make visual inspections. The Federation explained that the chromosome test was "ethically unacceptable." - The official Iran news agency announced in March that men who left the country before 1989, and feared returning home because they would be drafted, could buy a military exemption for about $16,000 (representing about 30 years work at the minimum wage in Iran). Officials promise that if a man pays and then volunteers to serve, he'll get his money back. - A rush-hour traffic jam in Kansas City, Mo, in March caused when a truck carrying remaindered pornographic magazines to a recycling center overturned on a busy street. about 2,000 magazines were scattered about, and drivers stopped their cars to gather as many as they could before moving on. - In February, a court in Versailles, France, overturned an order banning dwarf tossing, permitting 3'11" Manuel Wackenheim, 24, to return to work at the Eclipse nightclub in Morsang-sur- Orge, from which he had been banned by the mayor in October. Though the minister of the French Interior had called such exhibitions "an intolerable attack on human dignity," the government finally acquiesced because the ban would deny a "physically different" person a chance at a livelihood. - An 81 year old woman died of severe burns in Columbia, Mo, in December, after a 15 mile ambulance ride took too long to save her life. The hospital's emergency helicopter was not made available because it was being used on a public relations assignment, with one of the crew members dressed as Santa Claus. - The Manitoba, Canada, Natural Resources minister apologized in February when news got out that her government had saved $1,800 in postage by mailing a fishing survey through the US mails rather than through Canada's. Clerks had gone to Grand Forks, N.D. about 100 miles from the border, to mail the surveys to several thousand US anglers who use Manitoba waters. MON STUPID - Paul Gamboa Taylor pled guilty in December to murdering his wife and four others near York PA, six months earlier. He told police he had tried to take his own life five times before turning himself in. He had slashed both his wrists with a hacksaw; drunk lighter fluid; plunged a knife into his chest; filled a bathtub with water, hoping to pass out and drown; and brought a hair dryer into the tub with him. Said Taylor, "I love my family; that's why I plead guilty." REAL WEIRD - In April, Richard Dickinson, 25, was allowed out of prison in Hobart, Australia, on an evening pass with two chaperons, to attend a concert by his idol, Bob Dylan. Dickinson is in a prison for the criminally insane because in 1987 he stomped his mother to death to the tune of Dylan's song "One More Cup of Coffee for the Road," after she told him to turn down the music. He said he thought his mom was an evil character from the song and even sprinkled instant coffee over her body after she died. GAME TIME!! - Isbrain Marquez Pacheco, 53, was indicted in March for attempted murder of his wife of three weeks, in East Windsor, NJ. According to police, Pacheco said he beat her with a baseball bat after she refused his demand that she not attend a friend's baby shower. Said Pacheco, "If I had killed her, I would have no regret" because he was "offended by what she said to me." Weird News Volume 7 KING WEIRD: - At the 80th birthday calebration for Kim Il-sug, the North Korean dictator received as gifts a container of blood from 800 snapping turtles (considered an aphrodisiac) from his son, and a quilt and sleeping mat made of down from the necks of 700,000 sparrows. A 100-room museum houses over 87,000 presents given to him during his 44 year reign. (A gift from a correspondent for the British Broadcasting Corp was politely refused by North Korean officials because, first, it was merely a BBC sweatshirt, and second, it wasn't gift-wrapped.) ON THE BLOTTER: - From the "Police" column of the Brooklyn Park (Minn) Sun-Post: An officer found a quarter in the seat of a squad car. The coin was inspected, inventoried, tagged, and logged in as required. - Keven E. Tibbs, 21, was arrested in Brunswick Md in February. According to Officer Robin Purdum, Tibbs had attempted to steal a parking meter and was trying to conceal it in his pants when he was stopped. - Randall Eugene Davis, who has only one leg, was arrested in Clarinda, Iowa, in March, suspected of stealing a truck. The truck contained several animals, among which was a Labrador retriever with only three legs. - From the "Police Report" column of the Kerville (Texas) Daily Times: a 23 year old man was arrested for assault on a police officer when he allegedly tried to gore an off-duty officer with deer antlers strapped to his bicycle handlebars. The man had become angry after the officer had tried to stop him from running into the street. - Last September, Michigan state trooper Fred Sweeney pursued a speeder doing 101 mph on a state road. Although the speeder had a head start, Sweeney came upon his abandoned car in a private driveway. Looking around, he noticed that in a nearby field, all the cows were clustered together and seemed to be staring at one particular spot on the ground. When Sweeney approached the cows, he found the driver of the car attempting to hide in the tall grass and arrested him. - Mary Ann Linder of Nashville was arrested for shoplifting at a Victoria's Secret store. When asked by clerks in a dressing room to hand over the stolen items, Linder stripped off $1,400 worth of lingerie and was released to police. In the back seat of the squad car **how did they FIND these?????** it was discovered that she still had two more pairs of stolen underpants and several hangers not recovered by the store employees. At the jail, guards found $300 worth of even more stolen clothing on her. final tally: 30 panties, 20 bras, 4 robes, and one pair of men's silk pajamas. - From the "Police Beat" of the Upper Arlinton (Ohio) News: A woman who lives in the 1900 block of Tremont Road reported to police that while she was watching cable television at 11:15 PM, saturday, the channel changed to a pay-per-view adult movie. After it happened again, she told the police she spotted two teenage boys outside her living room window holding a romote control. She said the boys fled on foot. - Gilbert DaSilva, 46, was arrested in Peabody, Mass, a week after he assaulted another man during a heated argument in Greg's Lounge over which of the men had the larger penis. When the victem exposed himself to prove his claim, DsSilva slashed the man's organ, but the man was able to get to the hospital in time to save it. REAL WEIRD: - In December, a 51 year old man with no criminal record was referred to psychiatrists after being picked up by police in Parma, Ohio. He had just purchased 19 guns from K-Mart, told the clerk "not to come out tonight" and paid $7,000 for fabric at another store after telling her that it was for "covering up bodies." Parma police recognized the man as the one picked up the week before: Spotted placing donuts on headstones at a local cemetary, the man explained, "People get hungry." Said a police officer, "We could of had a real disaster here." UH DUH!! - Peter Robert Arnoldi was apprehended shortly after burglarizing the Co-op Oil Association office in Nicollet, Minn. His arrest was fascilitated by the fact that his checkbook (with drivers license inside) had slipped out during his hasty get- away. Arresting officer Don Wersal, who found Arnoldi hiding in a truck near his home, said he told Arnoldi, "I've got your checkbook," to which Arnoldi replied "Yeah, I know. I'm fucked, huh?" WHAT'S NEXT?? - One man was shot in the head and another was critically injured in a subway car in Queens, NY after a gunfight. According to witnesses, the melee was precipitated when one of the men accidentally stepped on the other's foot. Weird News Volume 8 BRAIN DEAD? - Havard University and McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass, have established a center to analyse tissue from the brains of people who die after having suffered from mental illnesses. However, physicians have encountered trouble getting mentally ill patients to agree to donate their brains. Asked one physician, "How do you ask someone to donate his brain to science who thinks their brain is under the control of radio waves from Mars?" JUDGE 'EM ON THEIR OWN STANDINGS - Steven L. Johnson, 40, sentenced to two years in prison in Brookings, SD, for drunk driving, explained to the judge, "I enjoyed drinking while driving. It's one of the most pleasurable habits I've had." - The title of Dr. June Stephenson's new book (Diemer/Smith, $20) on why crime is essentially a male pursuit, running $300 billion a year: Men Are Not Cost Effective. - According to Salt Lake City police, a 27 year old woman called 911 because her husband refused to have sex with her. By the time the police arrived, the nearly nude woman had begun beating her husband, who offered as his reason for lack of desire an exciting Utah Jazz basketball game on TV. - Coshocton, Ohio, high-school band director Charles Carothers, denying allegations that he sat two female students on his lap and fondled them: "I don't allow anyone to sit on my lap unless it's my daughter or my wife." - John Hurst, a disoriented man taken to a mental health center after he was discovered propping a ladder up to the second floor of the Kennedy family estate in Palm Beach: "I'm looking for my wife. I think she may be up there." **shit, why not? You know them Kennedy's!!** - John F. Thanos, asked his sentencing preference after he had been found guilty for a 1990 murder, had the choice, said the judge, of the death penalty or "life in prison without the possibility of parole." Thanos, failing to capture all the details of the second choice, replied that he'd take the "life in prison with the possibility of escape." The judge gave him the first one. PARENTS FROM HELL - Donna Clark, 26, and Paul Kramer, 31, faced various charges in Merchantville, NJ, when Clark allegedly grabbed $216 worth of film and walked out a drugstore. The couple's names were provided by their 6 year old son, who was in the store at the time but who was forgotten by the couple as they were making their get-away. - According to police in Knoxville, Tenn, Bobby Rose, 36, trying to avoid arrest for a traffic violation, threw his 2 year old child at the feet of the officers to slow them down as he made his get-away. - Georgia state Rep. Henrietta Canty went on a hunger strike to protest the arrest of her son, who was jailed for failing to make court ordered child support payments. - Tammie Guthrie, 28, was indicted for manslaughter in Baton Rouge, La. Police said that she allowed her one year old to drown in a bath tub while whe was in an adjacent room having sex with a 15 year old boy. REAL WEIRD - Milwaukee mayoral candidate Gregory Gracz, president of the local firefighters union, was accused of having exposed himself to a young female firefighter in an incident at a convention. Gracz denied the charge, but Mellisa Fojtik staked her credibility on her knowledge that Gracz has a distinctive mole on his penis. Pojtik said also that one of Gracz's colleagues told her that they were "musketeers" - that he, Gracz, and others had "crossed penises" in a show of solidarity. MORE STUPID PEOPLE - David Thomas Soloman, 35, at the Clermont, Fla, police station to file charges against his wife for hitting him, allegedly became fixated on a bag of marijuana (confiscated in another case) on Detective Danny Cheatham's desk and, according to Cheatham, "literally begged me for it and stated he wouldn't tell anyone where he got it." Cheatham then set up a hidden microphone in another room, sold the drugs to Soloman there for six bucks and then arrested him. OH MOMMY!!??!! - Paul Arbitelle, 17, was charged with the attempted murder of his mother in Danbury, Conn. He threw a hatchet at her because she failed to properly toast the bagel for the sandwich she had made for him. Weird News Volume Nine A PLATEFULL OF SMOG? - Scientists at the California Institute of Technology reported recently that the hydrocarbons and other particulates released when meat cooks accounts for one-fifth of the total particulates in the air in Los Angeles -- more than is accounted for by either gasoline of diesel engines. BAD MOVES - Tampa, Florida, school officials invited inmate Edward McIntyre, serving 90 years for kidnapping and assault, to a local high school to make an "inspirational speech" to students for Law Day. While he was there, he managed to escape through a restroom window. - Tommie Lee Jackson, 39, was charged in Santa Clara County, California, with sexual assault after he decided to force a 20 year old woman to fellate him. She defended herself with her teeth. On of Jackson's testicles is in custody (OUCH!!!) in a plastic bag in the police property room. Said Detective Don Bacon, "It's just another piece of evidence." Jackson said the sex was consensual and that the woman simply couldn't take criticism. - According to long-secret documents recently obtained by the Canadian Press news agency, police in Ottowa tried during the 1960's to identify every gay man in the providence and to prove their findings with a box they called the "fruit machine." Men were shown the box, containing erotic photos, and measurements were taken of each man's pupil size, palm sweat, and blood flow in order to tell if he was turned on. Files were opend on 8,200 men and 395 were eventually kicked out of government service. (Not a bad idea!!) - In a January issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, doctors in Australia reported on the puzzling case of a man who periodically spat up blood, but only on Saturday and Sunday nights. The doctors finally isolated the problem: The man is a harmonica player at a local club, and his technique is to use his tongue so vigorously that he ruptures blood vessels ("harmonica player's hemoptylsis"). - Responding to employee complaints, Kansas Bureau of Investigation supervisors forced agent Scott Teeslink, the KBI media spokesperson, to end his grooming practice of wearing women's underpants in his coat's breast pocket in place of the usual handkerchief. Teeslink said he engaged in the practice only because the underpants better matched his tie. DOES IT EVER END? - Edward L. Hennessy retired after 12 years as chief executive of the Allied-Signal conglomerate. Hennessy was so poorly respected that his departure caused the value of Allied-Signal stock to rise. In fact, the value of Hennessy's own stock in Allied-Signal grew by over $7 million -- just because investors believed the company would be better without him! - The Southern California Air Quality Management District reported that tree resin and sap pollute the air, accounting for as much as 250 tons a day of "vegetation hydrocarbon." - Eastern Airlines, out of business since declaring bankruptcy in January 1991, is continuing to make campaign contributions through its Political Action Committee, which still had about $50,000 to spend as of early May. - Nine year veteran Navy Petty Officer Francine Adams, out of work for two days in Virginia Beach, Virginia, with a concussion resulting from a fight with her boyfriend, was herself reprimanded for the fight. A Navy official said Adams has repeatedly sought counseling about relationships for four years. UH DUH! - In May, Glamour magazine reported an error in its June issue that had just hit the stands: The 500mg of boric acid tablets three times a day with meals" to avoid yeast infections must be taken vaginally, not orally. (Not just another hit - huh?) DISGUSTINGLY WEIRD - Louis Arnaud, 72, was set for trial in Wheeling, West Virginia, in May in the murder of a local businessman, John G. Christakis. Police said Arnaud's motive was his irritation at how cluttered Christakis kept a warehouse formerly owned by Arnaud. Arnaud's lawyer said Arnaud's defense is that his dog implanted the idea in his mind that "the Greek [Christakis] must die" when the dog stuck its tongue inside Arnaud's mouth during a playful session. NO APPRECIATION - In June, John Richard Nosler was convicted of shooting Armando Marra to death in 1990 because Marra was insufficiently grateful for the loaf of bread Nosler had bought him in San Francisco. Nosler, according to his statement read at trial, said, "Marra rudely said, `Well, give it to me.' This was the comment that actually pushed me over the edge." Nosler shot Marra four times, then, according to his statement, said to himself, "Well, I can't stop now," and continued to fire, emptying the gun.