^^^ I am not responsible for any trouble you get into after your read this
document.  Don't say I didn't warn you ...




       &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
       &                        &
       &  Cheating the Library  &
       &                        &
       &      by vINCE nIEL     &
       &                        &
       &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&


        Since I have been employed part-time at a Library for many years,
I thought I would enlighten the masses on how to get away with hell at your
local public library.  First thing is first.  Librarians are not some gods
who's sole purpose in life is to make your life hell.  They do they same
things you do , and are not out to
steal you money.  They give, and they take.  But, if you play them right,
all you will be doing is taking!

        An important factor is where you are actually trying these things.
if it is a huge library (i.e. Boston), they will be less likely to put up
with your shit than a small suburban library would.  But there is an adv-
antage to big libraries; there is more room for books to get lost ;)  When-
ever you are speaking to a Librarian, make sure you look stereo-typically
respectable.  You know what I mean.  If you come in with spiked green hair,
your nostril pierced, and a dead hamster hanging from your pants, it is
highly unlikely they will believe the shit you are trying to pull!  Give off
"2.5 kids, home in the suburbs, everything's peachy-keen" vibes.  Make it
sound like you are an honest man, earning an honest buck, and you just don't
want to be screwed by a clerical error.

        Always speak with respect.  Do not insult the employees, or undermine
the staff's intelligence.  Librarians have feelings too ;)  Carry a tone like
"you guys MIGHT OF made a mistake and could you please check on it for me."
But for god's sake, be assertive!!  Don't be a pussy.  Don't waver, don't
stutter.  There is a fine line between being assertive and being an asshole;
whatever you do, do not cross it!

    Librarians sit behind their stuffy desks all day earning low wages.  They
are pissed, and wish they had a real job.  If they have a chance to interact
with something human, it would make their day.  So be sociable with the
librarian.  Talk about the weather, or whatever comes to mind.  Make them
think of you as a person when you come in, not some clone who is turning in
books.  Its all part of the human psyche.  It is a lot harder to turn
down/argue with a 3 dimensional person than it is with a 2 dimensional.

    When you come to discuss your "problem", make sure that it is a teenager
or someone who works their part time that you talk to.  Someone who looks
like the don't give a fat fuck if all the books burn in hell, and are just
their to make a buck.  They don't care if a book is missing, and are probably
going to do what you ask them because it would be too much of a "bother" to
look something up or ask a superior.

    One final note.  The more and more you use these methods, the faster they
are going to ware out.  Nobody's that stupid to fall for the same trick with
the same person 10 times.  If you are ever stuck in a jam, these work though.


((( Now to the good stuff...

    A very simple thing you can do is just walk out with the book!  Although
large libraries might have security systems with electronic alarms on each
book, small, cozy, suburban, libraries trust the masses.  What shmucks!  Just
casually stick it in your backpack.  This way, you don't have to worry about
returning it ;)  If you have any morals ,
return the book when you are finished with it, or, just keep it!  Who will
know.  Nobody's going to notice one book missing!

    If you find a book that has been lying around in your house for ages, and
you do not want to pay the $100,000 overdue fine, you can always write in, in
pen, a date after the stamped date.  Tell the librarian that when you were
there, the stamp was not working and an employee wrote the due date in with
pen.  When she checks it on the computer, and says that the book is 2 months
over due, act surprised and bewildered!  This is where looking good comes in.
If you look "trustable", the librarian will believe you.  If you look like a
lying thief, your chances of succeeding are quite slim.  Remember, when you
are pulling this stunt, you are literally saying "you guys screwed up".
Nobody likes to be stood up and made a fool.  Act nice and pretend like you
forgive them ;)

    If you drop a book in the book-drop, you obviously cannot pay the fine
you owe.  You will be confronted with the fine the next time you take out a
book.  When you are confronted with the fine, protest that you paid that
fine.  They cannot prove you did not.  Make up an intricate story describing
who you paid it to (make sure you know the appearance of a librarian that is
NOT working there tonight), and that you refuse to pay it again.  They will
eventually give in.

    if you have a book that is extremely overdue, come into the library
without returning it.  then drop it in a place which is not obvious, but that
the librarian will be sure to spot.  Librarians, among other people, put all
their trust in the computers.  If they fail, the whole library is screwed.
So when an unsuspecting librarian finds a book that has been out for 8
months just lying around (while you at the same time have been protesting
that you did not take it out), she will just be glad that it is in her hands.
She will just assume that when the computer checked in the book, it skipped
the bar-code.  This does happened often.

¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿

One thing I want to say before I go on.  In this t-file, I keep on referring
to the librarian as "she".  True, most librarians are females.  But male
librarians are not homosexuals! ;)  I do not know where people get these
misconceptions.  Its ok for a female to be a librarian, but when a man works
there - oh my god!  They think we go "spank" each other during the lunch
break".  Jesus!

¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿

    Computer systems are not reliable, and do often (as the users of Stacker
know), crash.  The library's computers do the same.  The system is backed-up
every 3 days, so if the system crashes, all the books that have been returned
in the past three days record has been erased.  The library needs help, so it
usually puts up a sign, "Our system has crashed, if you returned a book in
the past three days, please see the front desk."  You cannot get stupider
than that!  Come up to the front desk (looking good) and say you cleaned out
your house a couple of days ago and returned all your overdue books
yesterday.  Remember to look honest.  They have no choice to believe you, all
their data is gone.

    A small note.  If you do take out books quite often (and have them
overdue most of the time), it would be quite wise to purchase a date stamper.
Stamp the date you are returning the book on the inside sleeve.  How can
someone argue with an "authentic library stamp?"  Who gives a shit what the
computer says.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

Cardinal Rule of the Library: If any mistake occurs, blame it on the
computer.  It always fails, it always crashes.  We are sensible humans.  We
cannot make a mistake.

    A excuse that everyone uses is "I did not take this book out!"  The
Generic rebuttal is "check at home".  After you do, tell the librarian that
you just don't have the fucking book, and she can go rotate.  Intricate
stories are a must here.  Go off on a tangent 'bout how the kids were sick,
and you had to go to grandmas, and this and that.  Conclude it with, "so
there is now way in HELL I could of taken that book out on that day."  If
they still don't believe you say, "do you want me to bring witnesses?"  You
may think you are hot shit, but this is not a major ballsy move cause only
Conan the Librarian would actually take you up on the bluff ;)

    When you bring back a book to the library, it is first scanned through
the computer.  Then it is put in a big pile of books which will be
distributed by an employee to the book's proper place.  A lot of the times,
the library lets patrons access that pile.  It is more convenient for them.
The more books people take out, the less they will have to put away.  So what
you do is bring a book that has been overdue for ages, and inconspicuously
slip it into the "to be shelved" pile.  In a week, come back (the pile should
have been shelved by then).  Protest that you never even heard of that book
in question, and never took it out.  They say, "check at home, but we will
check on the shelves ourselves."  And they find the book on the shelf, who's
fault is it?  The computer!  Blame it on the computer, it cannot defend
itself ;) Better yet, if you have half a brain, you might even know the order
that books are shelved.  So you can put it on the shelf yourself!  Just make
sure that you put it in the right place, or the librarian won't be able to
find it later when you ask her to "check".

    I have been mentioning over and over that you have to look good, and
sweet talk when you are dealing with the faculty.  Here are two examples of
the wrong way, and the right way of returning books.  First the right way:

You: Hi!  Boy its chilly outside!  The weather man said we're going to have
     snow coming tonight.  I hate the snow.  With the kids wanting me to sled
     with them, and my bad back, I just don't know what to do ;)  Oh, I'd
     would like to check these out if it would not be a bother.



L: Nice to see you too.    It seems you have The Joy
   of Sex out .  You have had this book for over three months and I
   cannot let you take out any books until you return that one, sorry.

You: Huh?  I would never take that book out!!  The joy of sex?  Look at these
     books I am taking out!  "How to be a monk."  "Abstinence: The Only Way".
     What would I need a book like "joy of sex" for?   I would be to shy to even take that book out !

L: ...

L: Maybe you should check at home?

You: I will but I assure you that there is no possibility of me taking that
     book out.  If you want, I can bring my children, Bob and Judy can come
     in and they will tell you when we went on our vacation and what fun we
     had!

L: Oh its quite alright.  Please check at home, and if you do not find it
   please call us and we will clear you charges.

You: Thank you.  You have been very helpful.

Now the wrong way...



You: What the hell are you talking about?  You shitheads always screw me!
     I never had that book you fucking cunt.  Never, Never, Never!  And I
     refuse to pay for it!  Sue me.  Get the bill collectors after me, I am
     not paying for something that I did not take out, bitch!

    You get the point.  The main thing is not to be angry and/or insulting.
be nice, yet assertive and persuasive.  We do not like to someone give as a
hard time.

    Now if you are too damn lazy to even leave your house, you can fuck with
the library from the privacy of your own home.  All the libraries in a region
are connected through a computer system.  This is used for (among other
things) so one library can borrow a book that the other library has.  And
what do you need to connect computer systems that cannot be connected with a
LAN?  A MODEM!!  There computer systems are not complicated.  There are a
series of commands like:

1. Make a New Card
2. Check in
3. Check Out
4. Pay for Charges
5. Request a Book
6. Show Overdue Books

... among other things.  All of these are guarded by one password.  One, that
is all.  If you can figure out the password, you are home free.  Does a
library actually expect someone to hack them?  Does a library actually know
the definition of hack?  Probably not!  The probably left the default
password which is probably "password" or "shell".  Getting the phone number
is a different matter altogether.  You think this cannot be done?  A couple
of weeks ago, we received a warning.  It said that a teenage boy had hacked
into the computer system.  He had erased many recorded books, and made over
50 library cards for him and his friends.  One of his friends worked at the
library (probably how he got the phone number), and gave him the key to a
library in the area.  The memo further went on to state that they boy is
hiding out in the basement of a regional library, so watch out ;)  True
story.

    Library cards have codes, PIN (Personal Identification Numbers).  When
you PIN is rung up, your name, phone number, and so on are also rung up.  If
you forget you library card, most libraries will let you tell them your name
so they can ring up your card.  First, make sure you are not well known in
the library.  Then take out books on whoever's name you wish.  Just say, "my
name is Joe Blow and I forgot my card, can you look up my name?"  This is a
great way to get back at someone, and a lot better than ordering 100 pizza's
to their house.  Just take out "Man and Impotence" under their name, and they
will have fun explaining that they never took out that book .

    So now you have a perspective of the library from the other side of the
check-out desk.  If you retain anything from this file, just remember to not
be insulting.  If you start acting like an asshole, you will be treated like
an asshole.  Its as simple as that.

                             July 24, 1992

            "You're only dancing on this earth for a short while."



        I can be reached at:
                              Internet           :foobar@silver.lcs.mit.edu