The Complete Alibi Handbook is a guide to side-stepping,
parrying, and avoiding the truth, even in situations where the
speaker appears to have been caught red-handed.

This book covers almost every situation the average man might
face during his lifetime. How to explain the lipstick on your
collar when you were spending the evening with the boys around
a card table . . . what to say when an important client finds
you at the races when urgent personal business made you cancel
your appointment with him . . . what happens when your wife is
told by a lingeri clerk that her husband was in the other day
with an attractive redhead -- these are only a few of the
situations for which the authors have produced valid and
acceptable alibis.

They have compiled a hilarious collection of alibis and lies
which will serve as a valuable guide for those who need a
"good story" to get out of a jam, and entertaining reading for
those who don't. All of the stories and characters in the book
are, of course, products of the authors' imaginations.
However, if any reader finds a situation which applies
directly to him . . . well, the authors are delighted that
they have been of service.

Mort Weisinger has been a magazine and television writer for
most of his adult life. He is the author of two previously
published books, 1001 Valuable Things You Can Get Free, which
has sold over two million copies, and The Contest, a fictional
expose of beauty pageants.

Arthur Henley has spent many years in radio and television as
writer, director, producer and actor. Among his credits are
programs which starred Kate Smith, Fred Allen, Don Ameche and
Frances Langford, among others. Mr. Henley has written
hundreds of magazine articles as well as several books,
includinag The Right to Lie, which was a natural precursor of
The Complete Alibi Handbook. 

Her er noen utdrag fra de mange alibiene du kan finne i 

     THE COMPLETE ALIBI HANDBOOK

Your hostess hasn't enough closet space so she's asked her
female guests to put their coats and handbags in the bedroom.
One of the handbags lying there belongs to a gal you suspect
of being at least ten years older than she says she is. You
can't resist this golden opportunity to sneak a look at her
driver's license and learn her real age. But you become so
enrapt in your search that you don't hear anyone come in until
an angry female voice behind you snaps: "What are you doing
going through my handbag?"

Don't debate, just prevaricate: "Your handbag! Oh, my
goodness, no wonder my glasses aren't here. As you can see,
I'm blind as a bat without them!"

Which only goes to show that an "honest mistake" is
indistinguishable from a perfect alibi.


Here is an unassailable alibi for use when you're late coming
to work in the morning.

You go up to your boss, foreman or supervisor, and say
sheepishly, "Believe me, I'll never take castor oil again the
night before a working day!"

What can your superior say? Not a word.



You're riding high in the dating game, with a juicy list of
juicy gals in your little black book. You have a date with one
of the best for Friday night. But you just met a new number
who's even better stuff, and the only free night she has is
Friday. You'd like to break your date with Girl #1 without
losing her friendship. This poses a problem because she's not
the type to take a stand-up gracefully. If she thinks she's
been stood up, vou're on her "drop dead" list.

How can you manage the difficulty?

Gull the gal with this gambit. Call her on Thursday night and
say: "I'm so anxious to see you, honey, I wonder if I can pick
you up a half-hour earlier tonight?"

She'll be shocked and think she goofed, that she really made
the date for Thursday. If she's free, she'll tell you to come
over. If not, you can make it for the following week.

This is a classic example of having your cake and eating it.



 You want to date your girlfriend's girlfriend on the q.t. but
she has her phone number. How can you get the number and the
date without tipping your hand? Take these six sneaky steps .
. .
I) Tell Girl #1 you want Girl #2's phone number for a friend. 

2) Ask your friend to phone Girl #2 for a date, using Girl # I
as a reference.

3) At the last minute, have your friend call to say he can't
make it but he knows a great guy (YOU) who can.

4) You keep the date.

S) Next day, tell Girl #l what happened explaining how you
were "stuck" with her friend because your friend couldn't make
it.

6) Be a full-time two-timer by dating both while telling each
one separately: "Your friend's okay but you're more fun and
prettier."

P.S.: Sooner or later, of course, you're going to have to make
a choice or look for Girl #3!



A dame who won't let you alone at a party even after you've
told her you're married?

Shock her with this shameless lie: "Incidentally, my wife's
name is Charles. You'll have to meet him one day."

She won't bug you after that.



You fancy yourself as quite a man about town you do have a
pretty good line and do occasionally make out with a classy
chick. You have just made such a score and are relaxing now
beside the object of your affections. You're feeling quite
pleased with yourself, like an in-like Flynn master, and your
smugness obviously shows. The young  lady, feeling that she's
been had, decides to takeyou down  a few pegs. Scornfully, she
snaps, You re no big deal  as a lover!"

That hurts, true or not, and your male instincts rebel.

"Try me again, baby," you snap back, "on a day when I haven't
made a big donation to the Artificial Insemination spermbank!"

Now that was an unfortunate alibi. For the sake of a put-down
to preserve your pride and potency, you lied and lost the
girl. What you should have said is, "Well, baby, with a
super-dish like you, a guy's gotta be a super-man! "

Flattery will get you seconds.

As the famous lover, Casanova, once remarked: "The man who
knows how to alibi will never be caught with his pants down
unless he's in the john or the boudoir."



 The telephone rings. Your wife answers, then hands it to you
with a very cool, "She wants Mr. Sharp!"

The caller is a gal with whom you've been having an affair. "I
know I shouldn't call you at home, darling," she purrs, "but I
missed you so much. Can't you get out?"

You're in quite a spot, friend. You have to get the broad off
the phone and come up with an alibi that will satisfy your
wife (who's listening to every word and watching the
expression on your face).

We have a real double-duty whammer for you. In a very annoyed
voice, say: "No, I'm sorry, I can't possibly make it on such
short notice."

Hang up abruptly and explain to your wife: "Imagine they want
to call an emergency business meeting to-night! I told them
I'm not going."

Your wife will say, "Go, honey, go."

So now you can go!



 You're weekending with your wife at a resort hotel and are
sauntering through the lobby by yourself when this gorgeous
babe (with whom you've been moonlighting in the city) rushes
over, throws her arms around you and plants a big kiss on your
lips. Before you can even react, you spot your wife, her eyes
agape. She's witnessed the incriminating incident!

Is there a way out short of hara-kiri?

Fortunately, yes. Give the babe a fast brush, then walk over
to your wife and say, angrily: "That mean broad! I had to fire
her last week and she swore she'd get me into trouble. I'm
glad you saw what happened instead of hearing about it second
hand and getting wrong ideas!"

That should strip away her suspicions.



 You walk down the street with your wife and your head swivels
every time a girl goes by. Very annoye your missus snaps:
"Stop looking at other women!"

Accentuate the positive: "Why, dear? The more I look, the more
I realize how lucky I am to be married to you."



 When unexpected guests ring your doorbell:

Identify them first by calling out, "Who's there?" If you
don't feel like entertaining, yell, "Just a minute!" Then
quickly wrap yourself in your bathrobe, throw a towel around
your neck, and toss some water on your face to look like
you're dripping sweat. Now that you're prepared, open the door
and say, "Hi . . . better not come too close. I'm running a
high fever."

They'll leave.



 A friend wants to borrow your brand-new car for a couple of
hours. That's a couple of hours too long as far as you're
concerned.

How can you turn him down?

What you need is a rejoinder that has the ring of truth. Here
it is: "I'd like to lend you the car, Bruce, but my insurance
company won't let me. My policy has a restrictive clause and
only my wife and I are covered as drivers. If you drive it,
I'll be liable for all damages and will lose the policy."

He'll take off on foot.



You've hosted a big dinner for some friends and told them your
wife made everything herself. After dessert, one of your chums
goes into the kitchen to dump his cigar stub in the garbage
can. When he raises the lid, he sees exposed a pile of empty
frozen food packages a dead giveaway of the evening meal.
"Ha!" he smirks. "So our wife really served frozen food!"
This calls for a shot of anti-truth. Boldly reply: "Certainly
not. We were going to serve the frozen stuff but decided to
try it out first on the kids. It was just awful, so my wife
dug into her recipe file and made the whole meal herself.''



 You've been putting on weight and have made a sacred vow to
your husband that this time you'll go on a diet and stick to
it. Then he walks into the kitchen and catches you nibbling
peanuts.

Do you switch to humble pie?

Not if you use the cholesterol cop-out: "Sure I'm eating
peanuts because they're polyunsaturated. I'm not trying to put
on weight, I'm trying to lower my cholesterol."

No health faddist will argue with that kind of logic.



Your wife serves you cookies for dessert. You assume she got
them at a bakery and comment, "These are pretty bad." She
retorts icily, "I baked them myself!"

Bounce right back with this beguiler: "You didn't let me
finish, dear. These are pretty bad for my diet."

Ten to one she asks your forgiveness for jumping the gun.



 Your wife answers the telephone. On the line is a prominent
local politico who's a nonstop talker. You cannot stand the
guy but he's a valuable business contact and so you have to
put up with him. When your wife calls you to the phone, she
hollers, "Telephone, dear! It's the old windbag again!" But
she forgets to cover the mouthpiece. He heard every word.

Do you have to write him off as an ex-contact?

Not at all. It's a perfect spot to pull the old mistaken
identity trick but with a difference. As soon as you get on
the phone, say, "Hello, Pete." Wait for a response, then
exclaim, "Oh, it's you, Dave! My wife thought you were my
cousin Pete. He always bends my ear."

That should bring you and your wife back into his good graces.



Your wife gives you a message that a Mr. Cohn called and wants
you to call him back. But he's someone you prefer to avoid so
you decide not to return his call. A few days later, however,
he catches you in and asks, "I left a message with your wife
that Mr. Cohn called. Didn't she give it to you?"

Slip him the stunner: "Cohn? The name she gave me was Stone!"

Switcheroo: You can also use the first name to cop out: "Sam
Cohn? And I've been trying to reach Joe Cohn for days! Next
time leave your first name." It was a rat race getting to the
airport and you just made the plane by the skin of your teeth.
You sink gratefully into your seat beside a woman who smiles
at you pleasantly. She's in the mood for conversation, but you
aren't. You've a three-hour flight ahead of you and you just
want to sit quietly and read the papers. But she begins
chattering away. Ignoring her doesn't discourage her. You
can't change your seat because every one is taken. You're her
captive audience.

Is there any way out except through the emergency door?

Relax, friend, there is. Silence her with this stunner: "I
know you're trying to tell me something, lady, but it's no
use, you see I am stone deaf.
Up, up and away!



  You're a gal in your thirties and still single. One of those
snippety young mothers with razors in her mouth cuts you down
with, "How come a pretty girl like you hasn't married?"

Slash her right back with, "I didn't have to."



 You picked up an old vase at a rummage sale. One evening you
have some friends over for a visit. When one of your guests
admires the vase, you tell her it's a valu-able antique. She
startles you by saying: "I'd swear it was the same vase I
contributed to the local rummage sale."

Do you have an answer?

We have one for you. Just smile and say: "Really? I've picked
up some of my most valuable things at rummage sales. This vase
is worth a small fortune."

That should leave her guessing.



 There's a firm that owes you and almost everybody else in
town money. Well, we have a sure-fire fib to make him pay up.

Scare the daylights (and the cash) out of him by saying,
"Unless I get your check by next Monday, I'll tell all your
other creditors that you paid us!"

He'll pay you fast to keep the others of his back.



 It's Saturday afternoon. Your mother-in-law phones and says
she'd like to come over and spend the evening with you. But
you're having some friends in and would prefer that she didn't
come around. So you tell her, "Gee, mom, you'd better not. The
whole family must have come down with a virus. We're all
feeling lousy."

Later that night when the party's in full swing, the doorbell
rings. It's your mother-in-law--with a kettle of chicken soup!

How are you going to get out of this booboo?

Don't chicken out. Give her a big greeting: "I knew it! Why is
it I have to make out someone's sick for you to make us
chicken soup?"

Then ladle out a bowl of Jewish penicillin to each guest to
celebrate your quick recovery. She'll love the whole scene.



The bank makes an error in your favor and you have
no intention of calling their attention to it. The windfall
makes for great conversation at the family dinner table.
Suddenly, however, your youngster pipes up, asking: "Why don't
you return the money?"

It's a perfect opening for a pious put-down. Very sternly,
say: "People must learn to pay for their mistakes, my son."

Touche! You've converted an alibi into a moral lesson a major
triumph.



 The whole town knows your grade school youngster got a public
tongue-lashing from a local merchant when he caught the kid
swiping a chocolate bar from his candy store. One of your
wise-guy neighbors tells you: 'If the kid's gonna steal, he
should steal big--rob a bank!"

Take a tip from actor Bill Gargan and sock him with this
squelcher: "He would have, but he doesn't get out of school
till 3:30."

The wise guy won't bug you again.



 Big mouth that you are, you offer to fix a friend's TV set
that isn't working well. After fiddling around with it a
while, there's a puff of smoke and the whole set goes dead
completely.

Turn the disaster into a stroke of good fortune by exclaiming:
"Wow! It's a good thing that happened when I was around or you
might have been electrocuted when you touched the dial!"

And be glad you didn't go up in a puff of smoke.



 You're trying to back out of a tight spot between two cars in
the supermarket parking lot. Scrr-r-rrape! You hear your
bumper rub against the front fender of the car to your right.
But you keep going and have just pulled into the clear when
suddenly the owner of that car comes running up, spots his
dented fender and yells, "Hey, did you just bang my fender!"

Dramatize your denial by switching gears, literally and
figuratively. Immediately go into forward speed, as though you
were pulling in, and yell: "How could I have banged your
fender when I haven't even parked yet!"

Just don't hit him again.
 
 

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