I went to Dublin this weekend to expand my social network at Google’s European headquarters. This is to prepare for the day when they turn Evil. With one friend (so far) on the inside, I, for one, will now welcome our new Google overlords.

The Irish, I learned, have two written languages, which are English and Gaelic. They have one spoken language, but I’m not sure what it is. This is the first of many stupid jokes in this post. Here’s another:

The Irish drive on the wrong side of the road, and it might KILL YOU. Okay, that wasn’t so funny.

When you visit a friend in Ireland, they will force you to drink Guinness. Even if you don’t like Guinness. They will then take you to visit the Guiness museum, where there’s a floor for each of the six reasons why Guinness is THE MOST AWESOME BEER IN THE WORLD. One of the reasons is their founder, Arthur Guinness. The founder of Guinness is THE MOST AWESOME FOUNDER IN THE WORLD.

While you’re there, you can laugh at all the tourists, who paid 15 euro for what’s essentially an hour long infomercial. Stupid tourists!

You’ll also be taken to the Temple Bar area, which has the most authentic fake Irish pubs in the world. They play Irish folk music. Who plays Irish folk music?!

My tip: Visit the Kilmainhaim Gaol. It’s history the way we all love it, cruel and unfair.